Where is Barry Manilow this week???

Time for another slimmed down 30 min fat free idol results show. We get a glimpse into the incredibly busy week of an Idol contestant. When they aren’t performing in front of 30 million people, they are busy rehearsing or attending Fox produced movies. Can we somehow arrange for the contestants to attend the premiere of the Da Vinci Code just so we can see Mandisa blow her top the first second Tom Hanks suggest the whole Jesus being the son of God thing might have less validity to it than the Jose Canseco book. Elliot has a hard time keeping track of the days of the week and Bucky is plastered with makeup. The movie they do attend is Ice Age II. Fox is brilliant the way they include corporate sponsorship throughout the show – take that Tivo users! Almost every show does that now, even 24; notice the way the camera zooms in on all the cool things he does with his phone. Mandisa likes the big characters in the movie representing for the big girls and says it was just nice to get out and see a good movie. Speaking of movies she should use Roger Ebert as a role model for losing a little excess weight. Of course if she has a skinny bald friend who also likes movies he might die of a brain tumor, but that’s worth the risk. Ryan says the Idol contestants are one big happy family, but there will be “an empty seat at the dinner table soon.”

The brilliance of Fox marketing continues as I wait for this weeks stupid yet enthralling Ford car commercial. Maybe next season we can get a condom company to replace Ford as an official sponsor. Imagine the commercials we could get from that one, they could even include some safe sex PSA scrolling across the bottom of the screen. The commercial begins and Elliot, Ace, and Lisa jumped out of the car; Elliot, not Ace is wearing a beanie cap. They dance over to a huge meter maid played by Mandisa. Actually I think she has lost some weight since the show…nope wait, that’s not her, just another not quite as big girl. Here comes Mandisa using her love of Jesus to overcome the law of physics and free herself from gravity’s oppressive grip as she bounces down the street. Chris and Paris join her in the revelry and link up with the original threesome. Lisa jumps on an ice cream cart and is wheeled off the screen; did the producers just foreshadow her impending departure. Halfway into the commercial Bucky, Kat, Kellie, and Taylor take center screen and the dance party reaches its climax. Fox produced another good commercial tonight, but not one of the all time best. Is it possible I missed Kevin in tonight’s commercial?

Shakira, tonight’s odd choice for a musical guest, is doing her latest hit with lots of skin on display! She certainly looks good and sounds pretty good as well, but it feels out of character for Idol. Kellie looks blown away during the performance, no doubt amazed she is standing on the same stage as Shakira. Chris however, looks like he is trying not to enjoy himself too much as he awkwardly claps his hands. Near the end of the song Wyclef runs behind the judges and sings to Randy and Paula as Simon contemplates how he can get IL Divo on the show. To his credit, Simon does give the guest perfumers a standing ovation. Did anyone else notice they ran a commercial for Verizon featuring Shakira right after she performed on Idol? How much did that have to upset Cingular, Idol’s bread and butter sponser.

In the recap of last night’s show the edits give Bucky more love than he really deserves. Uh oh I hope this doesn’t mean he will somehow escape the bottom three. Ryan starts with the bottom row and calls out the names of Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor, and Paris. Either the end of the world is here, or the entire row is safe; thankfully the world is safe for another week. Ryan tells us to tune in after the break to “see what we have done.” That has an ominous ring to it, much like my ringtone if I downloaded Kevin singing Part Time Lover. Elliot is first in the back row and covers his ears when Ryan starts to talk, so I assume he is feeling pretty safe after last night. Ryan tells Elliot he just danced with his mommy in the audience, inspiring Elliot to freestyle in his seat. Elliot is safe! Lisa, the perpetual bottom three dweller is next. Ryan scares me a little when he says she was in the bottom three the last two weeks. It sounds like he is setting her up to tell her she is safe, but nope, bottom three again. The crowd, fully expecting this, awws for little Lisa. With only Kat, Bucky and Ace left, its no surprise when Ace returns to the bottom three; the crowd gives a halfhearted chorus of boos. Bucky and Kat are the final two and neither smiles at Ryan while he slowly delivers their fate. Surprisingly Bucky has more earrings than Kat. Then it happens, one of those moments that only Idol can produce, a development more shocking than George Mason in the final four – KAT IS A CELLAR DWELLER. What the *&)*&? Sure she didn’t give the best vocals of all time last night, but her vocals were far superior than Bucky’s; this is a classic ‘things that make you go hmm’ moment. Everyone is shocked! The crowd voices an appropriate apoplectic response. Kellie looks like she might die from sadness. A shell shocked Bucky claps his hands when Kat stands up to begin her sojourn. I assume he is clapping to show support for Kat, but it kinda looks like he is the only clapping because he is safe!

There are four criteria used to evaluate Idol contestants: 1) how did the artist perform a song; 2) how has the artist performed so far this season; 3) do you like the artist’s style of music; 4) do you like the person despite a lack of talent. Starting with the first criteria, Kat easily wins. Over the course of the season Kat delivered some great performances; Bucky does not have a ‘wow’ performance yet. Therefore Kat wins number two as well. Lets jump to number four. Kat is bubbly and cute off stage and smolders on stage; Bucky is a nice good ol country boy off stage and keeps the same image while he sings; critera four is probably a tie. That leaves us with the third criteria, which I think explains why Bucky escaped the bottom three. People love them some country music, most of the time I don’t understand it, probably because I’ve been to college, but there is a large demand. Last night there were only two country numbers, Kellie and Bucky, and they were safe, so I think the country lovers got out their phones and hit redial to make sure their style of music stayed around. Remember Bucky was safe the first week, and only slipped into the bottom three once he had to do the 50’s stuff. Josh Gracin was the only country artist a couple seasons ago and far outstayed his welcome. Most people speculated it was because he was a marine, but I think his country roots earned him all the extra votes. More on this later, for now, back to the show.

Lisa, Kat, and Ace stand center stage with Ryan. Kat is finally smiling, but unlike the Lisa ‘wild dogs gnawing at my legs won’t stop this smile’ it’s a ‘oh my god this can’t end like this’ smile. Don’t worry Kat, Ryan will send you back to the couch any second now. Nope, crap! Ace is safe. Ace learned from his last time in the bottom three and this time gives a little love to both Kat and Lisa before he takes his seat. That means Kat, one of my favorites, could be going home. Kellie looks even sadder now. She has the “Dick you cannot go hunting for the next three years” look on her face. Ryan asks the judges why Kat is in the bottom three, but doesn’t ask about Lisa. Translation – Lisa you suck. Randy gives the same advice he gives every week, “gotta be great every single time, be smart about it, pick better songs.” This guy is like the Dali Lama, except with a stapled stomach. Kat says this is all part of God’s plan. You go girl milk the Christian vote! Lets see which contestant can say Jesus the most times next week. Good luck with that one Elliot. After scaring all those who appreciate good music, Ryan tells Lisa she is signed sealed delivered and gone. Whew. I hadn’t been that worried since the hooker said she didn’t take checks. Ok I made that part up. Lisa sings her last song of the season and is consistent; she is off pitch yet again. At least they let her finish the entire song this time!

Next week is country week, which is actually a good thing. Why you might ask? Because Bucky might be going home. Makes no sense right? Actually it does. With everyone, except maybe Chris, singing a country song, Bucky will not get the entirety of the country loving vote. He will be judged on his singing ability instead of what he is singing. Compared to the other contestants he cannot compete, with the exception of Ace. Ace is probably in the most trouble this week. He has a high-pitched nasal voice that might not go well in a lot of country songs; he needs to pick the exact right song. Kellie will be judged harshly because this is her strength, so she must step it up as well. Chris can pick any number of rock/country songs and do fine. Elliot might have a little trouble unfunking himself to sing a country song, but I think he’ll be ok too. The other contestants should all be able to sing country without too much trouble. There is very little ‘real country’ left these days. As long as they pick the rock/pop/ballad country everyone but Ace and Bucky will not have to worry.

The Idol Contestants gather just to hear Chris ROCK OUT

The stage doors open to reveal Ryan continuing his Dick Clark impersonation this season, looking dapper in another grown up suit. Do you think Kevin is watching Idol on TV tonight in his bedroom continually glancing at the posters of Ace he now has all over his walls. With such a wide range of songs to select tonight the contestants will either hang themselves with their poor song choice, or hit a steroid free home run.

Lisa – Because of You

We all know that the first spot on American idol is a death wish, if you put the Beatles first on Idol there is a good chance they would end up in the bottom three. Remember most of the people voting are teenagers who have the attention span of about 10 mins, so its hard for them to go all the way back in time to 8 PM when the show began. Since Lisa has been in the bottom three the last two weeks, you would think the producers might give her a prime spot near the end of the show…nope, they put her on first, which means they just can wait for her to be King. Notice the relevance of the last person to perform each week. Week 1 was Chris, who Simon has publicly declared his favorite to win. Week 2 was heartthrob Ace who surprisingly ended up in the bottom 3 the first week. Back to Lisa; she picked an interesting song – hey Kelly Clarkson is about the biggest female pop star right now and everyone in the world has heard this song on their radio, so I’m gonna copy it! Taking a current hit song that is STILL on the radio and trying to make it your own is really dangerous. It’s like doing a remake of Lord of the Rings a year after it won the best picture Oscar, except instead of Viggo Mortensen its starring David Hasselhoff. For the first time this season Lisa is singing a really sad song, so she cannot use her standard fake smile. Instead, she tries to emote pain through her face, but it does not work, instead of looking soulful and filled with pain, she looks like she needs a heavy dose of diuretics. The arrangement of the song is horrible, it’s a slow building song that takes time to develop, a format an hour long episode of Idol prevents. SO instead of having a song that slowly builds to its climax, it has one verse and then BAM Lisa is singing really big, which makes no sense. The song is too big for her and the end of the song is really bad; the last two verses of lyrics were really off pitch. Let me get this right. The producers of Idol got in a big fight with Clarkson so they could use her songs on the song, she finally let them, and this is the best we can do with those rights? Randy says it was alright for him, only an ok version, Paula coherently says that if you take such a popular song you need to change it around so there are no comparisons whatsoever, and Simon says it was actually painful. Ryan returns to the stage and harps on the painful statement saying it wasn’t really painful. Maybe it wasn’t, but watching poor Lisa stand there with her surgically installed fake smile while Ryan and Simon argue over the level of pain induced by her song sure came close. Ryan tells Lisa ‘no guts no glory.” There is another statement Lisa needs to learn after tonight, it is “no talent no votes.” She should be in the boardroom again tomorrow night and could easily be fired by Mr. Trump.

I wonder how many Christians turned their TV in horror during the commercial when FOX ran a commercial for the Da Vinci Code.

Kellie – Suds in the Bucket

Kellie had all the promise in the world a few weeks ago, but since the stylists got their effeminate hands on her she is like a leaking tire slowing losing air, but at least she can do country again! She is singing what might be the stupidest song of the last 6 years, and I’m including the Pea’s Lump song in that calculus. She sings the song well, hits most of the notes, but halfway through the song I’m bored and remember why I normally do not listen to country music. I’m not saying that listening to country music is a reflection of your intelligence, but if I ever need Nero surgery I don’t wanna her my doctor humming “Suds in the Bucket” before he cuts me open. Her lack of vocal training is evident near the end of the song when she holds out the note she quickly loses her pitch. Her biggest assets is her big voice, which makes this totally the wrong song for her, it is way too small for her pipes. She does do a random leg lift at one point when she is singing along with winking to the camera when she says the word “eye.” Randy starts his comments by groaning; anytime he starts with noises instead of words it means he didn’t like the song. Paula says Kellie is better than her song, and Simon calls her out for picking such an awful song. Kellie says, “I’m sorry” over and over again for her bad selection, contrast that to some contestants who proclaim their greatness when even their own mother would tell them they sucked. Ryan apparently knowing that Kellie put half of America to sleep reminds us that she has a “huge fan base.” Why doesn’t he say something like that to Lisa, oh yeah, because she doesn’t have one! Kellie was only ok this week, and since someone has to be in the bottom three with Bucky and Lisa, Kellie should be a little worried.

Ace – Drops of Jupiter

Whenever I hear a Train song I can’t stop thinking how Dylan Mcdermont needs to play the lead singer if Vh1 ever makes a movie about the band. Ace says he is giving us more of a rock edge this week – Ace, this is not rock. Ace’s voice is little and even though this song should fit him well, he sounds very blah. Its not that he hits bad notes or is off pitch, there is just something missing from the vocals. He is missing the voice vibrancy of the original version. At least he had top-notch choreography. When the lyric said “hair” Ace touched his hair. When he said “scar” he displayed the scar on his chest. Thankfully Train didn’t use the word penis in their song or we would have had another Janet Jackson moment. Other than his brief point to parts of his body Ace does his normal stand still with both legs touching while he rubs his stomach. His jeans have a pocket on the front leg. Is it essential to have extra pockets while performing for America? Were the normal 4 pockets that most jeans have simply not enough for Ace? I guess you need an extra pocket when you are always carrying around a beanie. Randy thought it was another bad song choice, and Paula says it was refreshing after the last two performances. Huh? Paula just accidentally gave Lisa and Kellie a negative comment, nice job Paula. She wants to know how Ace got his scar. He tells her it was from a knife fight with the Britnum twins. I was kinda hoping somehow he got it in a bar fight with Eric Estrada, wouldn’t that make a great story? Simon tells him it was too karaoke; did Simon spend copious amounts of time in karaoke bars as a child? Ace tells Ryan he was scarred while playing basketball. Someone from the crowd threw beer onto his teammate and he ran into the Palace seating throwing haymakers when Ben Wallace’s brother beat him down. Ok, that didn’t happen, but if Ace was on the Pacers last year it could have! When Ace tells Ryan he hurt himself playing basketball he then had to explain to Ryan what this basketball thing was, since Ryan has never actually seen or played a sport before, unless highlighting your hair is considered a sport. Ace had all the potential in the word at the start of the idol season but slowly, as a friend of mine said, he is morphing into Constantine. Ace could be in the bottom three again this week.

Cingular has ring tones form idol contestants available now, so that means I can have Kevin sing every time my phone rings. What a great idea, if that guy is singing and I can stop the noise by answering my phone I’ll never miss a call again.

Taylor – Trouble

Ryan shows off a 10 year old in the audience who has dyed his hair gray as a tribute to Taylor, which is cute and all, but if they start showing little kids that are “fans” of Chris next week that’s just wrong. Taylor explains Soul Patrol; he is the soul patrol man! Hey George Huff is in the audience tonight! I love that guy. Taylor is singing a song I’ve never heard before from an artist I didn’t know existed. My first thought, is this the best song you could pick? Who cares if this is an unknown song, he is fantastic. He consistently has the best voice on the show and is embedding a song in my head deeper than any since that pimp song at the Oscars; I know I’m going to be humming Trouble all day tomorrow. He even puts his hand up to his ear at one point like he is in the We Are the World video. Hey if Dan Akroyd can be in there, why not Taylor. The song gives Taylor a chance to show off his voice far more than the Buddy Holly number last week. Even though the show is only half over I’m confident there won’t be anyone better than Taylor tonight. Randy wanted him to show off his voice more. Dude, does he have to sing the theme to Titanic or something? Paula likes that he didn’t dance around and just sang the song. Simon said the vocals were excellent but the style of clothing reminded him of Clay. Did he just call Taylor gay? He then clarifies himself, saying that Taylor looks like he went to pop school. I understand what Simon is trying to say. Clay was a dorky kid with glasses and a horrible hair cut when he first sang for the idol judges. When the show finished he lost his individuality and could have blended into a boy band. Simon wants Taylor to stay unique and not become ‘just like everyone else.’ I am glad Simon made the Clay remark; Ryan parlayed in into his best Simon insult of the season, and even worked Kelly Clarkson into the crack. Taylor will not be in the bottom three.

Mandisa – Wanna Praise You

Mandisa loves Jesus. In case you forgot that, she reminds us again this week. She says this song is a testimony that nothing is too big for God, except maybe an effective weight lose program. She normally has trouble singing softly in a low voice and tonight is no exception. The song is a muddled mess with her alternating between thin low notes and shrill screamed big notes. The song talks about shackles removed from her legs; now with those shackles off she can finally hit the treadmill. Praise songs are ok if you have a gospel choir and you are there to worship Jesus. The songs are not that good, but its ok since you love Jesus. But why do you select this song? Out of all the songs in the last 6 years this is the best? Suds in the bucket is better than this song. I am not sure if she hits a single pretty note in the song. I’m not sure how I feel about her doing a praise song on the show; this could be pandering to the religious right. They elected W., now maybe they will forget the whole making an 11-year-old impregnated by her abusive father go to term and speed dial votes for Mandisa! Randy is still confused by the songs tonight and Paula says 40 million people just joined the church of Mandisa. I wonder if pedophile priests abuse little kids in that church. Simon thought the song was indulgent and didn’t get it. Of course not, he is British, they aren’t religious! Mandisa could be in the bottom three just like everyone else.

There is a new Hanes commercial with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan. Raise your hand if when you saw Footloose and Jordan as a rookie (both in ’84) you thought hey these two guys are going to be in underwear commercials 22 years from now.

Chris – Anything that sounds like a Rock Song

Ryan tries his best to save Chris’s image by saying that he covered LIVE’s version of Walk the Line last week and that its his favorite band. Chris is doing a song from Creed tonight, a band that was pretty good when they were called Pearl Jam. The song is called “What if,” a song wondering what would happen if Chris sang a non-rock song. Chris is losing credibility every week; if you like Creed, I’m sorry you aren’t a rocker, dude its Creed. Maybe if Chris is lucky he can end up in a Kid Rock sex video too. When Chris starts the song the director of the show has a heart attack. This must be why the camera angles are suddenly changing every two seconds. It’s like a Tony Scott movie all of a sudden. No idol, by doing some cool camera stuff it does not make this performance any cooler. The band is rocking hardcore and Chris assumes his normal serial killer stare into the camera scream as loud as I can performance. Props to the band, they really are getting better every season. Unlike other weeks, this is really not that good. The last half of the song falls apart. I cannot tell if he is off pitch since the song doesn’t really have many notes. A lot of idol fans like Chris because he is a change of pace, but you are on American Idol! You already sold your hard rock soul once you stood in line for 20 hours to get on a TV show that once featured John Stevens. Randy says Chris was sharp most of the song, and Paula who up till now was pretty normal says “I’m not trying to stutter, but what if what if what if what if I said I was one of your biggest fans.” What the…? I’m going to try this as a pick up line in a bar sometime, I’m sure its gonna work every time. Simon says Chris crossed the line tonight with this ‘rock’ thing, especially since Creed would be caught dead on this show. Actually, since their career ran into a wall, they would probably kill to do what Manilow did last week. Chris had a rough week with the LIVE scandal, and came out and rocked harder than before. If ever there was a week he needed to show his versatility it was tonight, therefore, it wouldn’t shock me if Chris found his way into the bottom three.

Kat – Voice Within

Kat if you had to do a Christina song would it have been too much to ask for you to do Dirty instead? I’m just saying you could have got a lot more votes that way. What the heck is she wearing? Oh ok, her dark jeans were lost on the dim stage and it looked like wasn’t wearing any pants. She is wearing some rather large earrings, I don’t want to call them too big, but Mr. T. thinks they are too gaudy. Kat starts off a little thin and maybe off pitch. She builds her way through the song and hits some great notes, but it feels like Stevie Scott’s whiny voice is back; we sent her home THE first chance we got for a reason. This is the first time all season I’m not thrilled with Kat. Hey look its Terry Schivao’s family in the audience; they are really pushing their new book aren’t they? Although, the last of the song she sounds pretty darn good. Maybe she was still freaked out from seeing Ace’s scar. Randy wanted her to bring something new to the song. She did kinda, it wasn’t as good, that counts right? Paula wouldn’t change a thing and loved her tonight. Simon calls it the best of the night (next to Taylor, he might be right) and almost as good as Christina’s version. Kat was good enough to be safe, but anything can happen this week.

Buckman 2000 – Some Country song

Thank goodness, more country music! This song is not too bad, the original is done by Tim McGraw, one of the few country acts I like, but Buck doesn’t have Tim’s voice, or his wife (they just showed Bucky’s in the audience). Bucky is having the same trouble he has every time a song calls for him to sing a little low, his voice disappear into a diction less mess. Randy says he is glad Bucky is singing country again and Paula sounds smart when she uses the word diction. Simon agrees with Paula and says he would leave the concert if he could right now. Bucky was not any better or worse tonight than he has been all year, but it might not be enough to save him this week, and he should be in the bottom three.

Paris – Work it out

Paris is doing her best Beyonce impersonation tonight. I am consistently impressed by Paris’s ability to change every week – she is like a chameleon. . She seems to be able to sing everything and anything and sell it when she does, but I’m not sure if I buy her on this song. She also managed to find earrings almost as big as Kat’s. Her vocals are fantastic tonight and unlike Lisa, she has some great facial expressions. Much like Fever last week, Paris sings a song way too old for her, but sounds great in the process. How cool would it have been if Chris sang this song instead? Randy says it’s the bomb, which the NSA heard and now is wiretapping all of Randy’s calls. Paula tells Paris she could join the Pussy Cat Dolls. Umm Paula, the entire idea of the dolls it that they can’t sing all that well but are willing to dance around like hookers to sell records. Nice suggestion Paula. Simon thought it was a bit precocious, and he was right. Paris was really good tonight and she did justice to a song that was pretty popular a couple years ago. She should be nice and safe this week.

Elliot – I Don’t wanna be

He is taking a chance here singing a recently popular song that was also sung last year by Bo. Did anyone notice one of the violin players behind Elliot was really hot? Am I the only one that doesn’t expect hot violin players? Right away you can hear the song is different than the cover Bo did last year or the original. Elliot’s version is more syncopated with a little funk and side order of soul. He is wearing a hoodie and bouncing around the stage like Eminem. Even though it feels a little forced, its nice to see Elliot moving around and showing some energy. Vocally he is great, with the possible exception of not nailing the falsetto note near the end, he has no real mistakes. Elliot was really good tonight, showing a different side of his abilities – pay attention Chris. Randy wasn’t there to see Elliot sing, he was under arrest for saying ‘bomb’, but Paula thought Elliot was one funky white boy. Simon thought the vocals were great, hated the arrangement and the dancing. He was at least right about the dancing. Elliot should be safe from the bottom three with that performance, but anything can happen this week, so I’m a little worried.

Final Thoughts –

What could have, nay, should have been the best show in idol history was very mild with only a few bright spots. The contestants out thought themselves and picked some bad songs, but Taylor, Paris, and Elliot did really well. Lisa and Bucky should resume their rightful place in the bottom three tonight. The third member is the real question. Except for Taylor and Chris does anyone have the fan base to prevent an accidental slippage? Mandisa, Paris, and Kellie seem to have a huge fan base, so I’ll assume they are safe. That leaves Elliot and Kat as surprising possible members of the bottom three. I think it will be one of the two, but they will quickly be sent back to the couch and Lisa will be heading home.

They are rioting in Paris because Kevin got voted off!

Some thoughts about tonight's episode of American Idol. Tonight House is finally back which means only one hour of Idol. Hmm, last week they needed two hours for 11 people, but this week need only one hour for 10 people. Yeah ok, that makes sense. I guess Kevin was worth a whole hour of prime time programming. This is the "Songs from the 21st Century" show, in other words, in case some of the favorites have been horrible during the theme weeks now they have a chance to remind the viewers why they earned a spot in the top 12. I bet Chris is happy he can sing rock again after..wait a min, ALL he does is sing rock. Song selection tonight will be interesting. With such a wide range of choices, at least one contestant will over think matters and choose the absolutely wrong song; it always happens, normally to one of the front runners. Several of the contestants almost seem more comfortable in older material, such as Kat, Paris, and Elliot. For some reason I think Paris will have a really off night after delivering an unconvincing recent song rendition.
My sources have confirmed that Mandisa is going to sing the "Baby Back Ribs" song. Actually Idol could probably make millions from advertisers if they did a commercial jingle night. How cool would that be? Ryan says, "Please welcome Chris, singing the "Oscar Mayer Weiner" theme. With Kevin now exiled to playing video games in his basement, a very easy theme week, and a streamlined hour long show, tonight's Idol could be the best of all time. Bucky and Lisa, both barely standing, will nail their songs tonight and confuse the heck out of all of us when it comes time to predict Wednesday's bottom three. I am most curious how the producers handle the 'Chris is not original' fiasco. Will they even mention the controversy? If they do, will Ryan explain it away while sitting next to Chris making light of the situation, or will he ask Chris a serious question and give him a chance to explain everything. At least Andy Card is freed from his White House duties so he can take his rightful place by Paula's side as the fourth and most educated judge on American Idol.

The Sky is falling...but in a good way!

Its Wednesday night, which means a new episode of BONES! But seriously, its time for the results show. Since Fox feels the need to put it flush up against Lost there is no doubt a lot of TIVOing and taping are going on in America, and oddly enough Pakistan. Ryan enters the stage wearing a Regis inspired dark on dark suit tie combination. I wonder if its his choice to try and look like an adult this season or if the network executives are trying to make the show look more refined. This is the second results show since we had our top 12 finalists and STILL no group numbers. It defies belief, but I miss the overly simplistic high school talent show themed production numbers. Maybe when they get down to the top 10 they will resume the goofy things. Ryan tells us there were over 35 million votes this week and nary a hanging chad. Paula and Randy both wear read, obviously coordinating before the show; Simon changed things up and wore a suit and tie with a fedora, ok actually it was a white short sleeve shirt again. The “legendary” Barry Manilow is performing tonight, which makes me wonder if he really a legend? A little hyperbole anyone? During the recap of the previous show the producers, as they often do, changed up the apparent order of the contestants. Ryan says that Kevin and Lisa were not the greatest, especially Lisa, but things got back on track when Kat, Paris, and Mandisa hit the stage. Except all of them went prior to Lisa singing! The final clip showed Ace hitting his falsetto big finish igniting a “love fest.” Out of context, the 5 seconds of Ace in falsetto sound horrible; putting dogs into heat is the only love fest Ace ignited with that note.

I have a suggestion for President Bush in his days of turmoil and incompetence; the latter an apt description for his entire life. Next time he holds a press conference and takes question from the Washington press corp, which should be sometime in late 2008, he should say I have an exit strategy for Iraq that will actually work. The press corp will be enraptured with excitement at this revelation, until W. says “and I’ll tell you it…after the break.” Then he walks away from the podium and waits a couple mins before he comes back to the microphone and shares the plan. I’m telling you, the country would eat this up, they can even run commercials for Fox News during the break to help defray the war costs.

Tonight’s corny as can be commercial for Ford products features all the contestants at the beach. I cover my eyes worried Mandisa might be in a string bikini or that Ace is in a speedo. Everyone is fully clothed and Mandisa spreads a large blanket out on the sand. I think it’s a blanket, its quite possible it’s just one of her shirts. This is one of the best commercials of all time with some fancy stop frame editing. Lisa showed more personality in her 4 seconds of screen time than she has in all her performance combined this season. Kevin is wearing a shirt with “Love Machine” prominently displayed; we have our first creepy moment of the night. When the commercial is over Ryan says what we all know, that American idol has “transformed that boy’s life.”

Barry Manilow appears on stage and we learn that he flew out on his own dime to work with the kids on Monday morning. You have to give Barry a lot of credit. This also shows why we will never have a Mariah Carey night, since she not only wouldn’t give the kids extra time she would probably forget about her commitment all together and never help the contestants. I would like a Whitney and Bobby night. My guess is that Bobby would go a little nuts at one point and beat down on one of the contestants. Please Fox, set this up, it will garner super bowl ratings. The camera pans around the mildy amused audience as Barry sings and we see oustered contestant Bobby having an out of body experience swaying back and forth consumed by Manlylow. Kevin, not nearly as enthralled is talking to Kat who gives him a ‘dude shut up the guy is singing right now look’ before the camera cuts away. I wasn’t quite as moved as Bobby, in fact the entire time I was trying to remember which floor I had pressed. Paula was also feeling the vibes and dancing in her chair. Simon appeared to lean over and remind her this is Barry Manilow – stop dancing. When Barry is finished, Bobby has made his way ont the stage and runs over to hug his idol. Barry, who is an avid Idol watcher says “Hi Bobby.” Barry knowing Bobby’s name is actually kinda cool for some reason. Bobby invites himself to one of Barry’s Vegas shows and the contestants spend more time welcoming back Bobby than thanking Barry. I feel bad for Bobby that he didn’t survive long enough to work with Barry. My only hope is Chris survives long enough for “LIVE” night.

After another break its time to destroy someone. I scan the top row and none of my expected bottom three reside there, which means either the entire row is safe, or another upset is on the way. Ace and Mandisa are safe, which leads to Elliot. Ryan pauses just enough before telling Elliot he is safe that we are all a little paniced. Ryan rhetoricaly asks America if we “picked Pickler” and Kellie asks “what’s a ballsy.” She is safe again and the camera pans to her family and friends. I know her dad is in a Florida prison for refusing to reveal his sources in the CIA leak investigation, but can’t they get him out to Hollywood just once. Wouldn’t that be great if there was a shackled guy covered in tattoos wearing an orange jumpsuit sitting in the front row trying to clap for his daughter? Chris upon learning he is safe gives a Taylor copied “woooo,” can he do anything original? Paris is the last person in the top row and she is also safe. Uh oh, on the bottom row Kat and Taylor bracket the three losers, could one of them slip into the bottom three? Whew, Kat and Taylor are both safe, but for the first time yet Taylor looked scared. He knows he could have picked a better song the night before and fears the soul patrol didn’t show up on the phone lines. Kevin, Lisa and Bucky join Ryan center stage. The expressions of the contestants explain why Lisa joins the others in the bottom three. Although vocally she is pretty good, her vapid fake expressions seem to alienate voters, and tonight is no exception. Kevin and Bucky have a “I really hate my life back home please don’t send me back yet, please” expression, but Lisa flashes the biggest fake smile since Al Gore gave his acquiescence speech. Ryan tells Lisa she is again in the bottom three, and she thinks she is going home, but then he tells her she is safe. In a rare I do have emotions moment she gives us a real smile and heads back to the couch where Kat wraps her in a hug. Paula tells the Bucky and Kevin even if you don’t’ win you can still have a great career, that American idol changes the blue print of your life! For Kevin that means he will be a roadie on Chris’s tour trying to trade sexual favors with the fans for a chance to meet Chris. I can’t wait for his Behind the Music special on Vh1 where we’ll learn about his upcoming cocaine addiction. Bucky is safe and the little chicken is going back to high school. Gracious and semi incoherent in his defeat, Kevin told America “be smart pick one of these amazing people” as your next American Idol. Thanks Kevin, I was going to pick a write in candidate until you told me otherwise.
The only person I feel worse for than Kevin tonight is Ryan, who has to plug yet another really crappy show after Idol. He even begs us to watch the first 10 mins when something amazing will happen. Sorry Ryan I have to watch some paint dry in my dryer while I wash my hair. The only question left tonight – will Kevin put his hand in his pocket again tonight while he sings – he does! Just like Melissa, we don’t get to see all of Kevin’s song; thank you for sparing my birds idol producers. Next week is supposedly a pretty open selection of current songs. Ok then, no excuses for singing out of your genre. In a “where did that come from moment” Chris is going to sing “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” If he does, I’ll vote for him a thousand times.

Top 11 Perform 50s Songs...no not Fiddy Cent!

Ryan is wearing a soft suit with a bright blue tie in his best young Dick Clark impersonation. Although really the show would be a lot more fun if he did post stroke Dick Clark and his words were more slurred than George W. Bush during the pre-born again years. Idol took this 50s theme a little too far tonight as they made Mandissa, Lisa, and Paris use separate water fountains and bathrooms. I assume the contestants will go in reverse order tonight; Ace in the rear and Chris in the front. Chris occupied the revered closing spot three times this season so its only fair he starts off the show. Well, so much for that idea…

Mandisa – I Don’t Hurt Anymore

This song is a tribute to the fact her feet no longer hurt. For the first time in weeks she doesn’t look like a beached whale trying valiantly to reach the sea before the sun dries out her skin. She looked really elegant tonight capturing the essence of the 50s, an era where your sexiness was often not defined by how you looked, but how you held yourself. Mandisa looks great tonight; her less than slim figure disappears the moment her voice joins the music. Mandisa sounds really good tonight; she finesses the song along the way instead of belting out the big notes with a scream as per her norm. She found the pitch on just about every note. For maybe the first time this season her lower register’s soft notes sounded really good. This is her best performance of the season, far superior to her scream as loud as I can on sustained note “I’m Every Woman” performance. She has the tough spot of opening up the show. A spot that kills many contestants, but she did great. Randy tells us he is sick tonight and then butchers Mandisa’s name. Paula says it took her back to the 50s. Simon is getting slow in his old age. I thought for sure he would have played off that comment by saying something about Paula being in high school in the 50s. Simon said Mandisa was sexy tonight, and he was right. Mandisa cannot be in the bottom three this week – she is safe.


During the commercial break ironically the first commercial features a girl trying to figure out which pair of shoes to buy (Mandisa) and then we see a commercial for the Chicken Little DVD (White Urkel).

Bucky – Oh Boy

Oh Boy, we get to hear the Buckman again! My guess is Buck has never heard of Barry prior to flying out to Vegas. Yet, Barry helps Bucky make the song different from the original adding a key change and a few vocal stylings. Buck always looks a little drunk for some reason. I think this is an aliment that affects many from the south. Thankfully southerns are a little slow and lack intensity, if not we might have lost that civil war thing and NASCAR would be more popular than football. This is a pretty easy song to sing, and Buck sounds pretty good. However, his raspy voice is getting a little old; it wouldn’t be nearly as annoying if he sang in a different style sometimes. Barry’s key change certainly helps the song along and removes the repetitive factor a little. The highlight of his performance is at the end when he does a wicked mic spin between his fingers. I’ve seen that move performed a thousand times with a drum stick, but never a mic, you go girl! Randy calls it the perfect song for Bucky and Paula says something useless. Only Simon called out the performance for what it was – very average. Bucky should be in danger this week, unless the country vote comes out in force he might be going home tomorrow night.

Paris – Fever

Barry thinks she will have an amazing career, which for him means getting your songs playing in as many waiting rooms and elevators as possible. She is doing Fever? Hmm this could be really creepy doing this type of song at her age, especially since the judges are always telling her to sing her age. She hits the stage in a gold dress looking far beyond her 17 years. She is really great tonight; she pretty much hits every note. More importantly, she sells the performance. She keeps it clean, no over the top sexy moves, just great singing. Paris has this amazing ability to change her appearance every week of the show and never seem contrived. Randy says she “blew it out the box.” Paula tells her she “forgot you were seventeen,” which is also the usual legal defense for R. Kelly. Paris is really talented and should be safe from the bottom three again.

Chris – I walk the line

Its time for Chris again so I wonder will he take the easy way out and completely avoid the theme of the week and do a rock song again? My guess is yes. He is doing “Walk the Line” by Jonny Cash. Last week we learned that Chris didn’t know Stevie did the original version of “Higher Ground.” I’m not a huge Stevie fan but I knew he did that song when I was about 12, so I was surprised Chris didn’t know. I think its more than coincidence that the movie Walk the Line just hit the DVD market and Chris picks that song. That leaves two possibilities: 1) Chris is a marketing genius and knows people will like his song selection since Jonny Cash has been in the news so much or 2) that Chris has no real knowledge of any music besides hard rock and picked this song since he recently saw the movie or 3) he has heard the version by the band LIVE and did an exact carbon copy of their version. I’m guessing the latter. Ryan introduces “Chris the Rocker” and we see the Barry work session clip. Chris said Barry seemed like a really genuine guy, but didn’t give him props on his talent. Barry says he has a real good handle on who he is and what is his strength. At least Chris wears all black as a tribute to Cash, but why does he have the wallet chain thing going on, is he afraid someone is going to try and steal his wallet after the show?. I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a “Live” concert every time Chris performs, tonight especially since he ripped off their song. At least last week he mentioned he was doing the Peppers version, this week he took credit for an arrangement not his own. The song starts off too low for Chris; he has trouble hitting some of the early low notes. He opens up and screams at the end of the song (off pitch I might add) and assumes his normal I have more intensity than a suicide bomber pose - this guys makes Henry Rollins look passive. Wait a min didn’t I see this same song last week? Yeah I did! I’ve seen it every single time he performs; its like one never-ending song from him – it never ever changes, although his head does cock to one side when he really gets into the song. Randy and Simon both say not the best vocal we’ve heard from him and Paula says he should be touring already. Simon tells him he is the first artist we’ve had on this show that has refused to compromise. Simon lauds Chris for his stubbornness, in large part since he hates the theme nights. Why bother having theme nights now? I guess the rule is that the contestants can ignore the theme and perform the song in their own style. This is the second consecutive week Chris has “cheated.” He is the steroid taking Barry Bonds of American Idol, refusing to follow the rules. The theme tonight is 50s night and we are supposed to be transported back to that era through the songs. Instead, Chris takes us all the way back to about 2003. Last week everyone tried to sing Stevie even though Kellie and the Buckman were WAY out of their element. Even Melissa who was going home soon no matter what she sang took on a very difficult song and crashed and burned. Compare Chris to Mandisa. Mandisa tried several songs out of her element in the first couple weeks of the show, doing a Faith Hill and a Heart song when she could have done stuff more in her comfort zone. Its in those first few weeks you do your own songs, build up good will with the audience, and then do your best to fit into the theme. Unless of course you are Chris, then you do whatever the heck you want and ignore the theme. Imagine any of the contestants as the musical act at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance performing their songs from tonight. Everyone would have been pretty well received except for Chris who would get the same looks from the crowd Marty got when he tour up Jonny B. Goode. I actually would like Chris to go home this week to teach him a lesson, but that will not happen. He is one of the best talents on the show and will be safe again this week, but he has lost me as a fan. Chris we have a show for you, its called ROCKSTAR INXS, why don’t you pull a Mario and go on that show instead.

Kat – Come rain or come shine

In the presong interview we learn that Simon doesn’t know her last name. She seems really excited to meet Barry. She said working with him was so effortless and comfortable, isn’t that what the girls always say about the photographer the first time the pose nude? Kat tells us she will be thinking about a person while she sings this song, but she won’t reveal the person. Please god, let it be Kellie! Kat looks great this week: no jeans, no moo moo, just cheekbones. She sounds fantastic. She is the best technical singer in the competition. This is a really hard song to sing and she does it effortlessly. I notice for the first time tonight that she looks a little bit like Brittany Spears BF (Before Federline). Randy says it’s not her best and Paula says that Kat is the only contestant that could sing this song. Holy crap, Paula just said something really intelligent. I’m buying some tuna fish and putting it under my bed – the end of the world is near! Simon says Kat became a star tonight and loved her performance. Ryan comes on stage and tells us all that Kat is taped down. This could mean two things: 1) that Kat is indeed very special and has a male genital that is taped down or 2) that Kat’s top is a little too revealing and her breasts are taped into place. If it’s the former I’m never watching this show again. Kat was great tonight and she should be very safe.

Taylor – Not Fade Away

I’m a little worried when I hear he is doing a Buddy Holly song since I think it probably won’t give Taylor a chance to show off his voice. Taylor walks into the Barry session singing Mandy “in tune.” Taylor respects Barry and Barry loves Taylor’s whisky tenor. Barry says he is one of the best male vocalists on the show, next to Kevin of course. The Silver Fox is wearing a suit straight out of a bad Happy Days episode – I love it. Paula is dancing more during the song than Taylor. During the sax solo Taylor runs over and sings into the Saxophone. He then runs into the audience dancing behind the judges. Unfortunately he took out the great ending they showed when Barry and him were working on the song. At least they showed it once so America knows what it would have sounded like if he did the big finale. He is not as good as he was last week, but that’s only because this song is a little too small. He sounded really good on the soft notes in low register, which is pretty darn hard. Each week Taylor sings in a different style and creates new bizarre dance moves. He doesn’t stay in his comfort zone and give us the same thing every week, in other words, he is NOT Chris. Paula says the Silver Fox should make an exercise video, as long as he didn’t wear the Richard Simmons shorts I’m not opposed to that idea. Simon called Taylor’s performance a complete mess. Although I disagree with Simon, I understand his point. Taylor was a little manic running around the stage from place to place. His big problem was trying to cram a 5-minute performance into 2 minutes. However, it was true to the 50s. It was corny and a little over the top, which is precisely what you would have seen in the audience during one of the record sponsored tours across America’s fair grounds in the 1950s. Ryan says Taylor looks like a cross between Jay Leno and George Clooney. Jay Clooney is safe this week, there is no way he enters the bottom three.

Lisa – Why do fools fall in love

Barry says she sings this song like she has been singing it her entire life, which is probably true. You get the feeling she had the kinda parents that discovered her talent at an early age and dragged her all town showing her off. She is wearing Capri pants with her standard fake smile implanted on her face whenever she looks into the camera. This number could have easily fit into the talent show at the end of Dirty Dancing. “I carried a watermelon” I love that line. Vocally Lisa sounds good tonight and really nailed the last half of the song. Unfortunately for her, people are going to compare her to Paris every week and Paris is just better than Lisa. Paris has natural spunk and a better voice. Randy says it’s not the “dopest” thing he has seen so far and Paula liked her, glad Lisa returned to her youthfulness. Simon said it was an ok performance, but he felt like he is trapped in a high school musical. ‘High school musical’ sums up a lot of the pop rock in the 50s, can you tell Simon hates the theme nights yet? In the 50s you had a lot of simplistic rock, jazz songs, and country songs. Not until the mop heads came over did rock get a little more sophisticated. Lisa gave a good performance tonight and therefore should be safe, however, she was in the bottom three last week and is competing for the same voting demographic as Paris, so I think she will be returning to the bottom three.

Kevin – When I fall in love

Barry says that Kevin is the sweetest of all the contestants, how cute. Kevin tells us he picked this song because when he first met Ryan he fell in love with his affable personality and stylist wardrobe. Can you really blame him? Kevin is wearing a polo shirt and a pair of slacks. This is the best he can come up with the capture the 50s? Geez, nice job American idol stylists. Kevin does his best to carry the song but he is off pitch a lot and just plain misses a few notes. I have no proof, but I assume Josh Groban has both testicles. Kevin sounds like Josh might if he lost one of his testicles. Even when Kevin hits the right notes, his voice is too thin to sound truly pleasant. He is really close to sounding good sometimes but never quite gets there. Maybe once he hits puberty his voice will mature into a real instrument. My birds do not like Kevin, as soon as he sings they voice their displeasure. This gives me an idea for farmers. Instead of scarecrows I suggest they use loud speakers to blast Kevin’s voice over their fields to ward off lurking crows. If I market this idea I can create a Fortune 500 company, sell it, and then Mark Cuban the Orlando Magic. Randy says he can see some of himself in Kevin. This is tonight’s creepy moment. Paula commends Kevin’s moxy. Simon says Kevin’s audience (the hearing impaired) will love his version of the song. If American idol holds form Kevin will be going home this week. Normally there is one singer that stays a bit too long, delivers their best performance of the show, Simon is nice to then, and then they go home that week (think Anthony Federov). Speaking of inferior contestants the camera pans to Jasmine in the crowd adorned with her flower. Does this mean the state of Hawaii is obligated to vote for Kevin?. At least when Kevin panders for votes by holding up the number 8 with his fingers he didn’t place the mic in between his legs like Kellie.

Elliot – Teach me tonight

Elliot says he wasn’t too fond of Barry’s work. Sure he is being honest, but dang dude, don’t knock Barry. You just lost the vote of all women over the age of 50! I bet if Barry was black and blind Elliot would like him more. Thankfully for Elliot he saves himself and declares himself a Fanilow. That’s right 50 year old women, you can vote for him again. Barry tells Elliot he has to crawl into the lyric. Good coaching Barry. Elliot’s biggest problem to this point is his inability to emotionally connect with the audience. The stylist cannot be working this week; Elliot is horribly dressed in an untucked yellow shirt with a gaudy tie and a pair of jeans. Elliot sounds great tonight; Kat and him are the two best technical singers on this show. This is not an easy song to sing and despite one or two rough spots he hits everything. He went for and landed the quadruple axel. Unlike Chris, who stuck with the triple axel. That is the last time I will ever write out a male figure skating analogy. Well at least until Vancouver. We see Ryan Cabrera and Constantine in the audience. Maybe they are both gay and dating; now that would be a story. Randy said he hit all the modulations and Paula said he moved her. Simon summed it up best calling Elliot fantastic. This week we will learn about Elliot’s fan base. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom three, but anything can happen.

Kellie – Walking After Midnight

Next to Bucky, Kellie has the least chance of knowing about Barry Manilow. Kellie’s grandfather told her to do Patsy Cline, maybe I can convince him to tell her to do me next. They seem poor, 50 bucks and a bottle of Jack Daniels should do it. Kellie says Barry is so sweet and she likes him. She is wearing a canary yellow top with jeans; no more black prom dresses for Kellie! Kellie employs a bit of interpretive dance and walks around the stage ultimately ending up behind the judges. Wow she sounds fantastic tonight. This is her best vocal performance of the season by far. She even manages to end up on her knees again belting out the song’s last note. When she finishes she does some sort of impromptu clogging that destroys her microphone. This must be what it sounds like all the time if you are in the apartment downstairs from Mandisa. Randy liked it, Paula called her a Tigress, and Simon said she got it all right tonight. She tells the judges she thought Simon was calling her a coat a few weeks ago. Most males in America would wear her if that were the case. There has been some speculation whether Kellie is putting on an act with this whole country girl thing, but tonight when Ryan gave her a chance to say something cute and adorable to garner another 10 million votes she blanked and said nothing. She really is dumb! I love her even more now! Kellie was not very good last week and she was safe, this week she was great, therefore she is going home this week. Just kidding, Idol is weird sometimes but not that weird; she will be safe this week.

Ace – In the Still of the Night

Ryan introduces Ace with the help of a little girl. She is the best co host Ryan has ever had, and I’m including Dunkleman. Ace tells Barry he is doing an urban jazz version of the song, much to Barry’s surprise, he likes what Ace changed. Barry tells Ace to use his falsetto at the end of the song since “we all kind of melt when he does that.” Barry melting over Ace is tonight’s second creepy moment. Ace doesn’t really do the 50s wardrobe but he does stick his arms out to his side and pretend he is flying again; he does this every time he sings a slower song. He has some pitch problems at times, especially on the held out notes, but this is his best vocal performance in weeks and he belts out a falsetto “Night” to grab a standing ovation from the audience. Randy says Ace is back tonight baby. Randy must have taken some cough syrup he sounds better than he did two hours prior. Paula, who is in love with Ace, thought he was great. Simon said he didn’t have the best vocals tonight, but it was a lot better than last week. Ace does not always hit the right notes, but in the studio with a little cleaning up he could make a really good record. Ace was good tonight and his fans have to be terrified after the debacle last week, so he is safe tomorrow night.

Final Thoughts –

Overall, tonight was another good one for American Idol. This is the best top 11 yet; there were no horrible performances tonight. Even Kevin didn’t suck. He wasn’t really good or anything, but he didn’t suck. The bottom three is going to get tough to predict the deeper into the season we get, and this week is already a little tough. Bucky seems to have a fan base, but he gave an ‘ok’ performance tonight and should be in the bottom three. We will gain insight into Kevin’s drawing power tomorrow; if he is not in the bottom three it means he is an unstoppable force not seen on television since the days of I Love Lucy. Simon was nice to him and he wasn’t so awful that people had to call just to keep him around, so I think he will join Bucky in the bottom three. Since I have no one to take her spot I’m putting Lisa in the bottom three again. But this time she will be the first back to the coach. That leaves Bucky and Kevin in the bottom two, Buck will have to wait a week to face his friends and admit that he now likes Barry woManilow.

After tonight only 11 shall stand!

At 8 PM American tunes into Fox ready for a bloated hour long American idol results show…but wait…Bones? What the heck? (This has to be the explanation for Bones having its best ratings night ever). As for the hour-long show, not so fast my friend, tonight we have a stream lined carb-free 30 min version. Ryan appears on stage wearing a pink shirt, no tie, and a 5 o’clock shadow (or in this case a 6 o’clock) – the metro sexual is back! Ryan tells us that 32.5 million votes were cast this week; 12-13 year old girls cast all but 478 votes. Since last week there were 15 million more votes cast and Idol can’t have people thinking they lost momentum, Ryan quickly reminds us that these votes flowed from one show, not two like the first 4 weeks of the season. He tells us about the vote total to brag about the show, but in reality doesn’t knowing that 30 plus million votes are cast make you less likely to vote? You certainly aren’t saying “Hey my one text message for Ace is gonna save him.” As the camera pans across the judges we see that Paula has her clap back. No, not THAT clap, she hasn’t had that since the Corey Clark incident. This clap is the one where she assumes the prayer position, then lets her eyes glaze over George W. Bush style, and then claps her hands like those little battery operated cymbal-clapping monkeys. Welcome back Paula! During the video recap of last night (maybe they include these for Alzheimer patients) Ryan calls Kevin and Ace the two sex symbols of the season, which gives us the creepy moment of the night.

During the commercial break Fox keeps hyping this vault themed show where they lock up a bunch of people and make them debate who gets the money; if we could somehow get T.O. and Donovan McNabb in there I’d watch that show. Ford Commercial time! These are easily the stupidest thing on television and yet I look forward to them every week. This time the contestants are sitting around a camp fire in the woods when suddenly Dick “the Vice” Cheney jumps out of the bushes and shoots Kevin in the face with bird shot…well ok that didn’t happen, but I bet more people would buy Fords if they had intense action like that in their commercials.

Stevie Wonder is going to perform tonight when they return from the break. You know what you are thinking. Please let him sing something we all know, maybe something from Songs in the Key of Life, or one of his other great 70s albums. As long as its not a track off his new album. Since Stevie is here to sell albums he plays a track from his latest endeavor. He sounds good tonight, but there is no originality, it sounds just like Stevie Wonder, a carbon copy of him…oh wait, THIS IS Stevie! Good job Mr. Wonder. Right after he is done we see the cast of the new Fox show “The Loop” rocking in the first row. Who wants to bet this thing lasts as long as that “Stacked” show with Pamela Anderson. You would think they could find a show to put after Idol that didn’t suck. Ryan starts with the eliminations. Ace is first, and we all know he is safe tonight. However, after Ryan tells him what the judges thought of him he didn’t say he was safe, instead he moved onto Kevin, uh oh something is fishy. One of them is in the bottom 3 and one of them is safe. This is such an insane paring Ace has to be in the bottom 3, and sure enough Kevin is safe. Ace is emotionless and Kevin looks dumbfounded. America hasn’t seen a face this emotionless during an emotional moment since the close up of Larry Bird after Reggie Miller made the push off M.J. three pointer. Paula says she “doesn’t get it.” She was talking about the use of the English language, not Ace falling into the bottom three. Randy exclaimed, “a lot of other people were worse than him” so what Randy is saying is not that Ace was great, just other people stunk more. Great praise dawg. Ryan feels the need to calm the crowd before the riot begins pointing out over and over again “it’s all based on your votes.”

Since Ace was a “favorite” all the contestants are shell shocked now, Kat has the same look on her face the studio execs had on theirs when they saw the 200 million dollar project Waterworld the first time. Paris is safe, as is Kellie. Of course since English is her second language (they speak something else in the south) she gets confused when Ryan tells her she is “also”…safe. Kellie forgot that Ryan just told Paris she was safe, so the “also” refers to the previous contestant, not all the way back to Ace. Taylor and Chris are both safe, which leads us to Melissa, who is not a happy camper. She is the first contestant tonight to not look up as Ryan reads back the judges comments, and she is biting her lip. Ryan moves from her onto Elliot who looks right into Ryan’s beautiful eyes. One of them is in the bottom three, and its…what’s her name, I thought I knew her name, but I forgot it, oh yeah, Melissa. Only after finding out she is in the bottom three does Melissa look up and face the world. She joins Ace at the center of the stage, but unlike past contestants, they share no hugs and barely acknowledge the others existence. Mandisa is safe, except for her cholesterol level, which is now 340 mg/dL. Kat is safe which leaves Lisa and the Buckman. Lisa employs the stare-at-the-floor posture we just saw with Melissa; she has a bad feeling. Bucky is happy to have his manly hair back and makes eye contact with Ryan. Making eye contact is good, since Lisa is sent into the bottom three.

After another commercial break Ace is send back to safety, but instead of running back to the couch like the saved normally do, he bows to the crowd. Ryan finally has to tell him “dude get off the stage,” which despite his continued state of shock he accomplishes. Melissa and Lisa are the last two standing, and Lisa…is safe. When she learned that Melissa was going home she broke down in tears and hugged Melissa wishing her well on her music career – that’s what should have happened, instead Lisa turned away from Melissa and retook her seat. Poor Melissa, she is left with only Ryan to provide comfort, but that’s why girls like to have gay men as friends, they are good at that stuff. At this exact moment Ayla is watching at home thinking “I wouldn’t have forgotten the lyrics” and Gedeon is laying on a bench in a bus stop somewhere under a pile of newspapers stammering “God Bless everyone” incessantly. At least Melissa gets to sing her song one last time for America. Nope, they cut her off after about 30 seconds. Really, is anyone out there going to be mad if they miss the first 30 seconds of “The Loop” so we can see if she can get through the song without FEMAing the lyrics.

Some disturbing things happened tonight. No one is safe this season, anything can happen. Even though we know that, its scary to be reminded. Kevin is a force to be reckoned with, he has a strong fan base that appears to grow every week; at worst he was 4th from the bottom tonight. Ace should be fine next week; his fan base will turn out the vote, which means Lisa has to be very concerned. She is unfortunately going after the same fans as Paris, but Paris is better. The theme next week is 50s music. There are about thirty thousand songs to pick, so each person should be able to find something good for them, from country to rock. I would love to hear Taylor do Jonny B. Goode, please Taylor, make it happen.

Top 12 Perform Little Stevie

Ryan says “we have two full hours tonight.” Will it really be full, yes full of filler! The show begins with a video montage, in which the producers use the same song as last year. Consider there are what about 1 million songs in the world, why do they always use the same two for their video segments? The segment includes Kevin telling us “I’m a sex symbol now,” and that’s our first creepy moment of the night. The stylist spent all week pampering the idol contestants and we get out first look at their changes. Elliot looks like he just stepped out of a Miami Vice episode, Kellie like a girl on her way to the senior prom and Kat like a Joss Stone impersonator. As corny as American idol is, once the top 12 hit the stage it is event television, like a super bowl, or the final episode of Joey. Is there a suicide watch on Brian Dunkleman (the original co host with Ryan)? Ryan introduces the judges and Paula declares that the final 12 is “well diversed.” Randy calls out his dawg pound. Can Arsenio Hall sue him for this? He probably should since he hasn’t had anything go right in his career since Clinton played the sax on his show. Its Stevie Wonder night, so of course Stevie drops by to help the kids butcher his songs. Kellie and Elliot immediately start to cry; Elliot because he loves Stevie and Kellie since she has never seen so many black people in one room. The reaction to Stevie is similar to the one Elton John got a couple seasons back. I feel bad for Barry Manilow, who was on the show awhile back. When Elton and Stevie show up the contestants all break down in tears and genuflect at their feet. When Barry shows up the contestants lean over to the idol staff and ask, “who’s that.”

Ace – Do I Do

Ace won the pun of the night award when he declared he was overjoyed to meet Stevie. Ace starts off really rough; I think the big stage and no beanie are getting to him. When he stands still he sounds a little bit better, but he always stands with his legs together. If you push him I think he’ll tip over. Contrast that with Bucky who always stands with his feet wide apart like he is riding a horse. The larger band swallows Ace on parts of the song and overall his normal singing voice feels really thin tonight. Ace needs to work the female vote, I suggest a tighter pair of jeans next week - it worked wonder for George Michael. Paula thought he was fantastic and loved his dance moves, but Randy and Simon called him out for a sub par performance. Overall this might have been Ace’s weakest performance of the season, which is a bit surprising since he should be able to sing a Stevie song. Unless his fans take him for granted, he should be safe for another week. Ace still does not know who he is; he needs to figure that out sooner than later.

Kellie – Blame it on the Sun

No Kellie, blame it on theme night. Other than maybe Outkast night, this has to be the toughest theme for Kellie to sing. She is spunkless tonight, looking like Carrie Underwood, but unable to sound like her. She sings the song ok, even though its two minutes long it feels like 5. At one point I think she ever messed up the words a little bit. It was quite boring, something you wouldn’t expect from Kellie. I think she should have picked a more up tempo song, or one of the easier Stevie Ballads. But since she has probably never heard a Stevie song until this week it had to be hard for her to select one. The best part about her performance was the banter with the judges and Ryan. She is wearing fake eyelashes, just like Ryan! After talking to her for a moment Ryan, revealing that he was filling, looks down to one of the show’s producers and says “we could do this for 3 hours if you want.” Actually I’d probably watch Kellie talk for 3 hours; I nominate her to host the Oscars next year.

Elliot – Knocks me off my feet

This is a dream for Elliot; he gets to meet his idol. Elliot, who cries more often than Holly Hunter in Broadcast news, breaks down as soon as he sees Stevie. He sounds really good on the song. His notes are dead on and he does the Stevie song the same way you might hear it on a record. However, the judges are not ‘wowed’ by her performance. Not surprisingly, Paula never actually said anything about his performance. I think Elliot, ever the Stevie lover, was extremely nervous. Since he loves Stevie so much he felt like he had to be the absolute best tonight, and since he has so much respect for Stevie he didn’t want to make the song his own – why change perfection. The judges are holding Elliot to a higher standard tonight than the other contestants and were a bit lacking in their praise of a really good effort. Based on his performance Elliot will be safe, only a severe lack of prior support could fell the crier on Wednesday night.

Mandisa – Don’t you worry about a thing

Mandisa can’t fit into her shoes. Thus continuing a long line of things that Mandisa has trouble fitting into: pants, shirts, dresses, and the state of Rhode Island. A lot of people are enamored with Mandisa, although I respect she is a good singer, she is not my favorite in this competition. Her lower register sounds below average tonight. The song should be in a higher key. She goes from sounding thin on the lower notes to screaming out the higher ones. I suppose it sounds good, but I’m really not impressed. In fairness, she was distracted by a fan of Kevin in the audience who tried to derail her concentration by holding up a deep fried Twinkie. Mandisa sounds good more often than not, but I’ve yet to see the subtlety of voice present in great singers. Randy and Simon love her performance and call it the “best of the night” so far. Their love fest for Mandisa continues. She did well tonight. Barring an adverse American reaction to her bare feet, Mandisa won’t be going home anytime soon.

Bucky – Superstition

Singing Stevie Wonder songs is right up there with reading on Bucky’s list of things he never thought he’d do in life. Bucky does not sound horrible tonight, but he sure doesn’t sound great either. The horn section in the band sounds pretty good though. Like so many of the other contestants, Bucky didn’t sound great on the lower notes, and when the melody moved around he struggled. At least he demonstrated why there will never be a Stevie Wonder themed night on Nashville Country Star. The judges were more concerned about his new hairstyle than the performance, which was probably justified. He looks like one of the cousins on Dukes of Hazard. If Bucky walked into the bar back home with that hair he would either get beaten up, or asked to recreate that scene from Brokeback Moutain. Based on the performance, Bucky was not the worst singer, however its quite possible he could be going home this week.

Melissa – Lately

During her video intro we learn that she has trouble remembering the lyrics to the song. If this were the Apprentice or the Amazing race you know from that foreshadowing that she will have trouble with the lyrics tonight. But this is a live show, so there is no way it could happen right? Wrong, within the first few bars of the song she flubs her lyrics. No one is singing ‘End of the World as we Know It’ so you’d think they could learn the lyrics. Maybe we can institute the Wonderlic test for American Idol contestants like they do for the NFL draft. Why stop there, get their 40 times too. I want to know if Mandisa can break the 15-second mark. Melissa looks a little bit like Minnie Driver tonight. She has good and bad moments in the song. The girl can sing and demonstrates it in the last quarter of the song, but there are other notes where she has pitch problems. The one thing that Melissa did do, was make the song her own, for that the judges gave her credit. Even with the mental breakdown, she was better than several people tonight and should stick around, but her fan base seems pretty small. Therefore, Melissa may be going home this week, which would be at least a couple weeks too soon.

Lisa Tucker – Signed sealed delivered

She prances onto the stage looking far older than her 17 years. She sounds pretty good on the song, but the entire time I wonder how long the lines for the rides are going to be today. Oh sorry, I thought for a second I was at Disney World while watching Lisa. Every time she sings it feels affected, like a prepackaged I’ve rehearsed every move across the stage cookie cutter performance. I rarely feel like she is ‘getting’ the song, instead she gives us what movement she thinks the song requires. Vocally, this was on the better efforts tonight and the judges really enjoyed it. In some ways she reminds me of Ayla, in that there isn’t enough emotion when she performs, because of this, I think Lisa could be going home this week, even though vocally she is quite good.

White Urkel – Part Time Lover

I was hoping Kevin would do Jungle Fever tonight, and in the mid song dance up on either Randy or Mandisa, oh well. Ryan welcomes Kevin’s groupies onto the stage, not surprisingly, they are both under the age of 12. Letting kids this age have cell phones and vote repeatedly for crappy singers like Kevin and John Stevens poses more danger to this country than rising health care costs. Parents, please take the phones away from your teenagers on Tuesday nights so they can’t keep Kevin on the show. In the video intro Stevie said he has an “interesting kind of voice” which in black blind person language means, “shut the little white kid up.” Vocally, Kevin is not horrible tonight, the higher notes are actually pretty good and for the most part he is in tune. However, he is doing some form of dancing on stage. It looks like Kevin is trying to look like an idiot on purpose, embracing the fact people want to watch him as a joke instead of because he is talented. Kevin should be on next seasons Dancing with the Stars, now that entertainment. Kevin tries the Scott Savol pander for votes approach when he is flippant towards Simon. He tells Simon “I wasn’t expecting much from you anyway,” well Kevin, America wasn’t expecting much from you either. Gedeon, oh Gedeon where are you???? If there is any justice is this world, Kevin will go home this week, however this is American idol and the expected never happens, so I think Kevin will stick around for at least another week.

Kat – Until you come back to me

She is thrilled to meet Stevie, but worried about doing one of his songs since the last time she tried it crashed and burned. However, last time she picked a death march and tonight comes out with a more up-tempo easier to groove to song. When they come back from the video intro Ryan is saying ‘cue the host’ and then introduces Kat. This continues the trend of at least one weird Ryan moment a night. Kat finally wears something other than a pair of jeans and replaces them with an extra long dress. Her voice sounds great; she is spot on and hits every note. Vocally, this is the strongest performance of the night - she has her sparkle back. While repeating the numbers Ryan gives a shot out to Lance Bass who is apparently sitting in the audience, we assume he is there, since the camera never cuts to him. Wow, how far has his career fallen? A few years ago he was a member of the biggest group in the world, now his appearance in the idol theater doesn’t merit even a second on camera. If Kat goes home this week I won’t watch American Idol anymore.

Taylor – Living for the City

More so than anyone in this competition I am excited when Taylor takes the stage, what is he going to do next? He is awesome, by far the best in the competition. His voice is perfect for the song and he delivers it with the passion and dedication the other contestants strive for and usually miss. Taylor doesn’t act like this is a competition; he is just out there singing his heart, letting the music consume his body, kinda like how a Jedi uses that force thing. George Clooney’s illegitimate half brother rocked the house tonight and if he isn’t safe this week it means the terrorists have already won.

Paris – All I Do

This girl changes her hair more than John Kerry votes against things he used to support before he was against it and then changed his mind again and decided he was against supporting it because supporting it would be against his support. Her hairstyle has the Vanessa from the Cosby show look, which is fitting, since Stevie did a guest appearance on Cosby after his limo hit a car driven by Denise with Theo and Vanessa as her passengers. Paris sounds great tonight, when she moves around the stage its considerably more natural than her contemporary Lisa. It might be the second best female performance of the night. She hit all the notes and delivered them with a flare we haven’t seen from her since she took the midnight train from Georgia. The only negative part of her tonight was the singing her answers to Ryan’s questions. It was a little weird; Gedeon was sent home for less. Maybe it was a tribute to Stevie; every time he presents a Grammy or an American Music Award he always sings at the dais. Paris was really good tonight and should be just fine tomorrow night.

Chris – Higher Ground

Chris shows he has little musical knowledge when he repeats over and over again that he didn’t know Higher Ground was originally a Stevie song. Yes Chris, some songs are remade. Other things that shocked Chris: there was a TV show once called the Dukes of Hazard, King Kong is a remake, and Puff Daddy samples music. Chris is not doing the Stevie version of the song tonight; instead he is using a guitar dominated Peppers remake. His voice sounds good on the song, but this is a cop out for him, much like Vehicle was for Bo on the disco night. Chris has yet to show he can produce something other than the intense rock sound he does so well. Sure he sounded good, but this was not as funky as the original Stevie version, or as hard and fun as the Peppers version. It was halfway in between both, which for me didn’t work. Of course, the judges loved Chris and Simon called it the best of the night by a mile. Being British, Simon should stick to the metric system. Simon also commended him for taking a risk? What risk, he sang the song in his comfortable style and didn’t extend himself. Chris has a big following and I’m sure the people at home will eat up his version of the song, but if you have heard either the Stevie or Peppers version, I don’t know how you can embrace what Chris did tonight.

Final Thoughts –

Nobody tonight, other than Kevin, stuck out as “needing to go home right now please don’t let them ever sing on this show again,” which is pretty good. Most seasons there are several people in that category at this point in the season. I know who won’t be going home on Wednesday, who is going home is much tougher. Kevin will be safe, since there are enough people who are amused by his antics. That leaves Bucky and Melissa as the bottom two, with maybe Lisa rounding out the bottom three. For some reason, I think Lisa is going home.

Thursday Night Results Show

Ryan starts the show telling us as the drama unfolds ‘anything’ can happen. Uh oh, sounds like someone unexpected may be going home tonight. Ryan tells the contestants that 12 of the lucky ones will be moving over to the 12 empty seats on the side of the stage. The seats look about as comfortable as those chairs they used for the OJ jurors. Seriously, this show makes Fox hundreds of millions of dollars, couldn’t they get the kids some recliners? 46 million people voted this week, further proof that freedom is on the march. Bo ‘the skeleton” Bice returns to the show and looks way too skinny. He is obviously not back to full health after suffering from a bunch of medical problems. Whatever it is he dealt with maybe the doctors could induce the same thing in Ruben. Once the big teddy bear drops a few hundred pounds he’ll be able to stand on stage and finish an entire song. Bo sounds only ok on the song, he can’t quite hit the higher notes, but he delivers the performance with the rock flare you’d expect from Bo and the overall entertainment value is pretty high. I doubt Bo wrote the song, it feels like a Bon Jovi poppy kinda rock song. It comforting to know that even with war in the Sudan and politicians taking bribes, that Bo still holds the entire mic stand while he performs – some things never change.

Ryan starts the elimination with the girls – the lowest vote getter (even Kinnick knows its gonna be her) is going home. He beings at the far left of the back row. Lisa and Melissa are safe. Lisa barely showed any emotion, she knew she didn’t get the lowest vote totally, but Melissa is ‘wipe the sweat from your brow’ happy. Rounding out the top row are Ayla and Kinnick. Kellie, Kat, Mandisa, and Paris are in the front row, and even Vince Young knows they ain’t going home tonight. When Ryan tells Ayla that she is safe you can instantly see that Kinnick knows she is done; she barely shows any emotion when Ryan confirms what we already know. She makes a little statement thanking everyone and then the judges give her advice. Randy tells her that when she performs it “needs to be the bomb every time.” Wow Randy. So what you are saying is don’t suck. Brilliant advice. Kinnick performs her song again and sounds much better than the first time, continuing the trend of eliminated contestants giving their best performance of the season AFTER they are sent packing. When she finishes her song no other contestants come out on stage to hug her and the show heads to commercial.

Its time for a man to go home - or maybe Kevin. Ryan says to Gedeon that he is grinning extra wide tonight, and Gedeon it typical kinda creepy style replies “God bless everybody.” The two likely ones to go home tonight are Kevin and Bucky, and they are in the back row, which means they look doomed. Ryan tells Kevin he is safe, here we go, its maybe upset time. Gedeon is safe, and then Bucky is safe. Ok this could get bad. Elliot, who is a very talented vocalist might be going home tonight, is it possible, could America have taken him for granted. He is the next one in the row, in the same spot Ryan eliminated Kinnick. Elliot…you are safe. Whew that was scary. Will, who has Taylor, Ace, and Chris sitting on the opposite side of him is next, which means he is bye-bye, and he knows. I did not want Will to go home tonight, but quickly reconsider my judgment when I see the horrible outfit he is wearing. His shirt is an odd collection of floral arraignments – Kramer wouldn’t even touch this shirt. Paula offers this brilliant advice to Will, “I’m proud of you.” Will performs one last time for the Idol audience and Summer is in the crowd supporting her man while Ryan beats up Simon for picking on his friend. Couple of interesting things happened while Will was performing. First, the entire studio audience was standing and dancing except two people who were sitting down with a pensive look on their face. This is the second week in a row people in the crowd have looked angry, is this our new way to torture suspected members of Al Quieda? Second, Kellie and Kat, the roommates, had synchronized choreography for the song; unfortunately the camera does not stay on them for long and soon returns to Seth. When Will finishes the song surely he’ll be left on the stage to feel horrible about his failure as they cut to commercial (like Kinnick), but no, Ryan says “show him some love guys” and the guys crowd around Will and shower him with hugs. What’s up with that? Kinnick got no love!

After another commercial break, Ryan begins the second female elimination of the night. Paris, Kat, Kellie, and Mandisa are all safe. One by one they move across the stage to claim their seat in the final twelve. They all have a little trouble getting down the stage steps, with Kat exclaiming “Oh Gosh” at the difficult prospect. Mandisa seemed to be carrying a purse. Is there food in there? Does she carry around a Twinkie at all times? I really wonder what was in that purse. The final three females are Ayla, Melissa, and Lisa. Lisa is safe and Melissa and Ayla have to wait through another Prison Break commercial until they learn their fate. Ayla…is going home - sad and a little surprising, but not shocking. However, it was shocking for her, she immediately loses her composure and starts to cry. Ayla seems like a very proud girl who probably doesn’t cry in public a lot, so we all feel her pain. It’s too bad the producers of the show turned her into the girl that everyone used to hate at school. Ryan turns into Dr. Phil and tries to cheer Ayla up. He reminds her how tall she is and how small he is and that his is really bald, it’s just a wig. Ok he didn’t say that, but I bet she would have smiled. Paula’s advice, “You are a winner.” If by winner she means you come in 14th place and go home months before the competition ends, then yeah sure, she’s a winner. Ayla sings her song one last time, holding back the emotions and gives another good performance. When she finishes at least the girls will be able to crowd around her and comfort her like the guys did with Will. Oh wait, sorry nope. Ryan tells her to leave the stage and she disappears off camera. Where did they send her? Did she have to stand somewhere by herself? Were they doing a urine check like at the Olympics?

With no commercial break Ryan goes right into the male elimination. Taylor, Ace, and Chris are all safe. Each one gives Ryan a man hug, which consist of a handshake that evolves into a pat on the back, just enough contact to show you like the person and are happy, but not quite European. Taylor dances across the stage and all three ignore the daunting steps that troubled the women and just jump to the floor. Kevin….is safe! Holy cow upset city maybe! He is so happy he runs right by Ryan and grabs his seat. I think he was worried if he didn’t get their quickly enough Ryan would change his mind and send him home. Elliot is next, and the camera cuts to the crowd to show the Brittenum twins. Huh? Aren’t they in jail? They did not stand, so maybe shackles were on their legs. Unlike the twins, Elliot is safe. I’m curious to see how he reacts; he is the only man to cry so far this season. He makes his way over to Ryan and starts with the man hug…that quickly evolves into the “I’m hugging my wife after I return from a tour of duty in Iraq hug.” How sweet. Only Gedeon and Bucky remain. Simon guesses that Gedeon will make the top twelve. But no, Bucky is safe and “God bless you” is going home. Perhaps not since the 2004 Presidential election did America get something so easy so wrong. Speaking of that, how many people out there who voted for bush because they bought the 'elect Kerry and you and your children will die' spiel now feel a little silly. Probably what Katie Holmes feels like now she is carrying around Tom Cruise’s child.

Why did Gedeon, who was one of the most polished performers and vocalists, go home so early? Simon answered that question on Wed night when he told him “You are quite odd aren’t you.” He was just a bit too different, not cute and cuddly like Kevin and not a good old boy like Bucky.
I love the old school sound, but if you think about what’s on the radio right now, no new artists are making this kind of music. Of course there is NOTHING that sounds like Kevin on the radio, well maybe some Christian stations, but there are so few good Christian artists the stations will play almost anything if you mention Jesus at least 5 times a minute. Bucky is decent enough and I understand how and why he made the top 12, he is the closet thing to a male country artist on the show and country is a large block of the voting public, so Bucky surviving beyond Gedeon is acceptable…but Kevin?

Ryan reveals the theme for next Tuesday. Its Stevie Wonder night. Thank god, finally we’ll get to hear some Stevie Wonder songs on American Idol. I wonder if Stevie will be there to help judge the contestants, if he is I hope he tells someone they look great tonight. The theme seems to benefit some contestants more than others. Kat and Elliot should excel. Taylor, Ace, Mandisa, and Paris should all be good. Melissa, Lisa and Chris can all find decent Stevie songs. However I wonder: can Lisa sing anything other than a power balled? Will Chris’s ‘I’m going to kill you’ intensity work? Can Melissa’s voice hit all the Stevie notes? The three contestants in the most trouble should be Bucky, Kevin, and Kellie. Kellie seems very strong tonight, so she can survive a weak night. Bucky and Kevin will struggle emulating the Wonder style and one of them will go home this week. Since Kevin is so darn cute, Bucky should be going home on Wednesday night.

Top 8 Idol Nonwomen

Ryan tied his tie all the way tonight. Congrats Ryan you look your age!

Gedeon – When a Man Loves a Woman

Salvador starts off showing us he can paint. He painted a record spinning around the world that symbolizes the sound of music making the world go round. Ok then…he looks great tonight, as though this is his natural style, not some attempt to look cool. He sounds really good too; the performance isn’t a carbon copy of the original or the Michael Bolton version. He even took it up a notch at parts and hit some really impressive notes. I can’t find much wrong with him tonight. The judges are too harsh, if he did this same number after Kevin, Will, and Bucky, he would have received a standing ovation from Paula and Randy. Gedeon is not the easiest guy to like. He seems a little full of himself in the interviews. The judges do however love his old soul. Yet with the girls they feel like they are acting too old when they sing the older songs - a little sexism maybe? During the post song banter with Ryan we learn that Gedeon has lots of women in his life and he knows “how to love a woman.” Gedeon tries to return us to the family hour by saying he meant his mother and grandmother! Why is it this season every time Ryan talks to the contestants things gets a little creepy.

When they come back from commercial Ryan walks in front of the men and they are all placing bunny ears behind Ryan’s head. He spins around and exclaims, “I felt something strange going on behind me.” Creepy Ryan moment number two.

Chris – Broken

We learn that Chris didn’t shave his head to be cool, rather, it’s just baldness. I’ve always wondered if Michael Jordan was going bald and that’s why he shaved his head. Can we get the CIA on this? Chris sounds good again this week on his “ballad” but it’s his weakest effort this season. For the first time he had some pitch problems. His performance style – stand still and sing with so much intensity your neck looks like its gonna pop is getting old. Please please please have disco night this year, I wanna hear Chris attempt that, hopefully he won’t cop out like Bo. Paula, although not drunk tonight tells Chris he will be selling out stadiums - maybe he should sell out a bar first. She also says she can hear him on the radio already? Uh oh she is hearing and seeing things again. I bet a night in her life is similar to the M. Night Shyamalan commercial, no wonder she runs into people on the freeway. Even though Chris had a sub par performance tonight, he is guaranteed a spot in the top 12.

K-Dawg - Vincent

Kevin likes Kayne West. Once Kevin leaves Idol I hope he records a best of Kayne West album. I would buy that. How many Lost fans thought “where the heck is Walt anyway” when Ryan said Vincent. Kevin picked the wrong song tonight. He sounds his best when he uses his upper register, yet this song almost exclusively avoids that. The poor kid, for someone his age he is really good, but compared to the veterans on the show his lack of experience stands out. When he sings he blinks his eyes so much its like he is standing in hurricane force winds. Randy says he is eternally in the dawg pound, does that mean Kevin will be put to sleep if no one claims him in the next two weeks? I’m sure this song will bring down the house as the encore in Kevin’s national tour of America’s assisted living facilities, but it fell flat tonight. After almost going home last week Kevin needed a homerun tonight. Instead he hit a pop fly to the pitcher.

Ryan sits down with Taylor, he did that with Kat last night, maybe the producers are doing their best to make sure those two get into the top 12. Ryan gets cute with a Christopher Cross sailing joke, which I think went right over Taylor’s head. Taylor says he is trying to pack a weeks worth of energy into 5 minutes every week, which explains why he looks like a nuclear reaction most nights.


Bucky – Wave on Wave

He has a twin! I can honestly say at no point have I thought, gosh, I wish there was another Bucky out there. Kellie yes, Bucky no. Bucky is just not a great singer. His voice is average and he does not have the “Ace” factor. When Bucky uses his gravel voice it sounds too forced, like he is trying to over sing the song. Simon called his performance adequate, and the crowd voiced no displeasure. The voters at home will probably think the same thing and send Bucky back to his twin this week. Ryan brought Rocky (the twin) on stage, why couldn’t they do that with Becky’s sister? Would that have been too much to ask?

Will – How Sweet it is to be loved by you

Will panders to the 11-year-old Japanese vote, which was actually pretty funny. If this was the NBA all star game and you could vote online Japan would surely vote Will into the top 12. When Will performs I feel like I’m watching an Osmond family picnic. He really does have a pleasant sounding voice; I would have preferred he pick a song that shows off what he can do, something in between this and Lady. On his big notes he sounds good and gives a slightly better than average performance. Will has the most untapped potential of any of the remaining men. He is average largely because he doesn’t have his own style yet, which is not surprising since he is only 17 years old. Although the ratings belie my contention, the show was better before they let the old people try out. Do we really want to see a 30 year old competing with a 17 year old? Its like the old soviet hockey team against a bunch of college kids. Actually if Kevin wins Idol this year I’ll scream ‘I do believe in miracles’ at my television. Will needed an outstanding effort tonight to ensure he makes the top 12, he didn’t. However, he had more votes than Kevin last week and didn’t do anything this week that should lose him votes, and he is at least as good as last years Anthony Federov.

Taylor – Taking it to the streets

Taylor as a large bunny? For some reason, I’m not really surprised. With all his energy I could picture him as a mascot of some kind. Finally! Taylor is singing a song from a singer similar to him. No Elton or Commodores tonight! He has this hypnotic ‘wind the crank’ dance move. Gone are the excessive ‘whoos’ and ‘yeahs’ that marred his song last week, although he has an epileptic seizure near the end of the song. This is the best performance of the night. Its what live music is all about, give people something they can’t get from listening to you on a cd or the radio, help them feel the music. Paula said she will be using Taylor’s dance moves in her next job – which begs the question, what the heck is Paula’s next job? Did anyone notice when Ryan imitated Taylor’s dance moves and leaned back he grabbed his crotch? Creepy Ryan moment number 3 of the night.

Elliot – Heaven

Poor Elliot, he is deaf in one ear. The producers are playing up his sympathy card, I hope it’s not because he had a bad vote turnout last week and they want to make sure he makes the top 12. He really does have a nice voice and sings the song well. You could hear something similar to this on the radio right now. I’m glad he did a non Stevie type song this week, and I also appreciate the removal of his distracting facial hair. Elliot has a future on the adult contemporary charts once his Idol run is over. He is not the best singer on the show and he hasn’t had a ‘wow’ moment yet, but he always sounds great. He should be safe, but for some reason I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up in the bottom 3. There is a chance he could leave Idol this week.

Ace – Butterfly

Ace is a handy man. This is so fitting, all season long every time someone says Ace, I think about Ace “The Helpful Place” Hardware! Ty Pennington watch out, once you go Caruso and demand too much money ABC already has your replacement. Ace decides to do his impersonation of Sway tonight, except with long flowing hair wrapped in a beanie cap. Normally his attempts to seduce me through my television don’t bother me, but tonight it was too forced – he invoked the spirit of Constantine. Actually this felt like Ace’s audition for the Color Me Bad story coming soon to VH1. His vocals were not the best. His falsetto was pretty decent but his lower register didn’t do much. I’d really like to hear him belt out a ballad. Ace has performed three times and I still can’t peg what style of songs he should sing, apparently neither can he. The judges, for the most part liked Ace, but if Kevin went up there and sang the same vocals, I doubt they would have said such nice things. Paula says Ace was better than Michael Jackson - um no. Ace could have walked out on stage tonight and drop kicked a puppy onto the balcony and still sailed through to the top 12, he is safe.


Final Thoughts –

Overall a great show with lots of talent tonight, but just like Tuesday someone forgot to cut off Ryan’s mic and we heard him say something during the clip recap at the end of the show. Taylor was the best tonight, followed by some combination of Gedeon, Elliot, Ace and Chris. Taylor, Ace, and Chris are locks for the top 12. Based on talent, Gedeon and Elliot should join them. I think Will also joins them in the top 12. Bucky and Kevin had average nights, but I think they have a future as a buddy couple. Joey and Lance from Nysnc are coming out with a show on the WB soon, can we substitute Bucky and Kevin for them? Now that’s tivo worthy tv. Barring a Federline gets Brittany to marry him upset, Kevin and Bucky will be eliminated.