Thursday, March 16, 2006

After tonight only 11 shall stand!

At 8 PM American tunes into Fox ready for a bloated hour long American idol results show…but wait…Bones? What the heck? (This has to be the explanation for Bones having its best ratings night ever). As for the hour-long show, not so fast my friend, tonight we have a stream lined carb-free 30 min version. Ryan appears on stage wearing a pink shirt, no tie, and a 5 o’clock shadow (or in this case a 6 o’clock) – the metro sexual is back! Ryan tells us that 32.5 million votes were cast this week; 12-13 year old girls cast all but 478 votes. Since last week there were 15 million more votes cast and Idol can’t have people thinking they lost momentum, Ryan quickly reminds us that these votes flowed from one show, not two like the first 4 weeks of the season. He tells us about the vote total to brag about the show, but in reality doesn’t knowing that 30 plus million votes are cast make you less likely to vote? You certainly aren’t saying “Hey my one text message for Ace is gonna save him.” As the camera pans across the judges we see that Paula has her clap back. No, not THAT clap, she hasn’t had that since the Corey Clark incident. This clap is the one where she assumes the prayer position, then lets her eyes glaze over George W. Bush style, and then claps her hands like those little battery operated cymbal-clapping monkeys. Welcome back Paula! During the video recap of last night (maybe they include these for Alzheimer patients) Ryan calls Kevin and Ace the two sex symbols of the season, which gives us the creepy moment of the night.

During the commercial break Fox keeps hyping this vault themed show where they lock up a bunch of people and make them debate who gets the money; if we could somehow get T.O. and Donovan McNabb in there I’d watch that show. Ford Commercial time! These are easily the stupidest thing on television and yet I look forward to them every week. This time the contestants are sitting around a camp fire in the woods when suddenly Dick “the Vice” Cheney jumps out of the bushes and shoots Kevin in the face with bird shot…well ok that didn’t happen, but I bet more people would buy Fords if they had intense action like that in their commercials.

Stevie Wonder is going to perform tonight when they return from the break. You know what you are thinking. Please let him sing something we all know, maybe something from Songs in the Key of Life, or one of his other great 70s albums. As long as its not a track off his new album. Since Stevie is here to sell albums he plays a track from his latest endeavor. He sounds good tonight, but there is no originality, it sounds just like Stevie Wonder, a carbon copy of him…oh wait, THIS IS Stevie! Good job Mr. Wonder. Right after he is done we see the cast of the new Fox show “The Loop” rocking in the first row. Who wants to bet this thing lasts as long as that “Stacked” show with Pamela Anderson. You would think they could find a show to put after Idol that didn’t suck. Ryan starts with the eliminations. Ace is first, and we all know he is safe tonight. However, after Ryan tells him what the judges thought of him he didn’t say he was safe, instead he moved onto Kevin, uh oh something is fishy. One of them is in the bottom 3 and one of them is safe. This is such an insane paring Ace has to be in the bottom 3, and sure enough Kevin is safe. Ace is emotionless and Kevin looks dumbfounded. America hasn’t seen a face this emotionless during an emotional moment since the close up of Larry Bird after Reggie Miller made the push off M.J. three pointer. Paula says she “doesn’t get it.” She was talking about the use of the English language, not Ace falling into the bottom three. Randy exclaimed, “a lot of other people were worse than him” so what Randy is saying is not that Ace was great, just other people stunk more. Great praise dawg. Ryan feels the need to calm the crowd before the riot begins pointing out over and over again “it’s all based on your votes.”

Since Ace was a “favorite” all the contestants are shell shocked now, Kat has the same look on her face the studio execs had on theirs when they saw the 200 million dollar project Waterworld the first time. Paris is safe, as is Kellie. Of course since English is her second language (they speak something else in the south) she gets confused when Ryan tells her she is “also”…safe. Kellie forgot that Ryan just told Paris she was safe, so the “also” refers to the previous contestant, not all the way back to Ace. Taylor and Chris are both safe, which leads us to Melissa, who is not a happy camper. She is the first contestant tonight to not look up as Ryan reads back the judges comments, and she is biting her lip. Ryan moves from her onto Elliot who looks right into Ryan’s beautiful eyes. One of them is in the bottom three, and its…what’s her name, I thought I knew her name, but I forgot it, oh yeah, Melissa. Only after finding out she is in the bottom three does Melissa look up and face the world. She joins Ace at the center of the stage, but unlike past contestants, they share no hugs and barely acknowledge the others existence. Mandisa is safe, except for her cholesterol level, which is now 340 mg/dL. Kat is safe which leaves Lisa and the Buckman. Lisa employs the stare-at-the-floor posture we just saw with Melissa; she has a bad feeling. Bucky is happy to have his manly hair back and makes eye contact with Ryan. Making eye contact is good, since Lisa is sent into the bottom three.

After another commercial break Ace is send back to safety, but instead of running back to the couch like the saved normally do, he bows to the crowd. Ryan finally has to tell him “dude get off the stage,” which despite his continued state of shock he accomplishes. Melissa and Lisa are the last two standing, and Lisa…is safe. When she learned that Melissa was going home she broke down in tears and hugged Melissa wishing her well on her music career – that’s what should have happened, instead Lisa turned away from Melissa and retook her seat. Poor Melissa, she is left with only Ryan to provide comfort, but that’s why girls like to have gay men as friends, they are good at that stuff. At this exact moment Ayla is watching at home thinking “I wouldn’t have forgotten the lyrics” and Gedeon is laying on a bench in a bus stop somewhere under a pile of newspapers stammering “God Bless everyone” incessantly. At least Melissa gets to sing her song one last time for America. Nope, they cut her off after about 30 seconds. Really, is anyone out there going to be mad if they miss the first 30 seconds of “The Loop” so we can see if she can get through the song without FEMAing the lyrics.

Some disturbing things happened tonight. No one is safe this season, anything can happen. Even though we know that, its scary to be reminded. Kevin is a force to be reckoned with, he has a strong fan base that appears to grow every week; at worst he was 4th from the bottom tonight. Ace should be fine next week; his fan base will turn out the vote, which means Lisa has to be very concerned. She is unfortunately going after the same fans as Paris, but Paris is better. The theme next week is 50s music. There are about thirty thousand songs to pick, so each person should be able to find something good for them, from country to rock. I would love to hear Taylor do Jonny B. Goode, please Taylor, make it happen.


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