Friday, March 03, 2006

Thursday Night Results Show

Its Thursday night, which means another awe-inspiring group number! Simon compares the contestants to acts at a theme park at least once a week. However, the time this show most resembles Disney World is when they do these very average group numbers. The kids are slammed packed during the week and have little time to rehearse a big production number. The lack of rehearsal time is obvious, the harmonies are kept at a minimum; don't expect any 4 parters anytime soon. Basically the guys sing one line, the girls sing the other and the featured soloist/duet carries the melody. Tonight's song is "Love the One You're With." Do the producers go out of their way to find songs that are below average? Who is this girl at the center of the stage wearing camo pants, wait a minute, its Melissa - she pulled her hair up! The group numbers from season one were beyond horrible, culminating in the cacophonous Paula Abdul tribute. Every year the group numbers get a little better, and this year is no exception, these kids can sing, but asking them to perform a group number with 20 other people so early into the competition might be asking a bit too much.

The group number quickly reminds us that Brenna cannot sing well and that if Clay was dancing next to Bucky and Kevin he'd look like he had rhythm. To Kevin’s credit when Kellie did her solo he broke from the choreography and started free styling behind her - yes America, you just got served! Chris, who has probably never had to sing crap like this before looked like he was on the verge of 'rocking out' any second. Near the end of the song, Mandisa makes her way to center stage. She is a large girl, what you might call a run stopper. She has gone sleeveless tonight and dawned a pair of jeans instead of her normally cover yourself with a silk tarp approach. Perhaps a stylistic mistake, but certainly brave. There is no truth to the rumor that Mayor Nagin upon seeing her legs screamed 'if we had those we could've plugged the levees.

Hey the original farm girl is back tonight. YeeeeeHawwwwww. Not only has she sold two million records, she learned how to show some cleavage! Has anyone ever sold more records by just standing still and singing with little to no facial emotions? She sings her hit song Jesus Take the Wheel, also known as the Billy Joel motto. Considering this song was written for her and she has been performing it for months now its no surprise she gives the seasons best performance. The camera pans up to the girls and we can see Kellie and Melissa singing along to every word. Heather, the self-proclaimed idol stalker is stoic, with barely a sway to the beat, she KNOWS she is going home tonight! I hope the Red States realize this song is a metaphor about the walk with Jesus and not a driving instructional song, if they don't the freeway deaths in Kansas are going to be enormous. When Carrie wraps up her song Ryan joins her on stage, excited to stand next to a girl he is taller than. But now, its time to send some sub par female singers home.

Tonight is the night of random cut-aways. Right after they tell Kellie she is safe, they cut to David upstairs who is so tense he looks like he is about to snap. Bernie Goetz had a happier look on his face when he got off the subway. Brenna is the first to leave tonight. Its fantastic, Kinnick turns and walks off stage without so much a 'sorry' and Heather barely touches her arm in a display of fake sympathy. After Brenna butchers a song for the last time, Heather and Kinnick return to the stage. Ryan asks the judges why these two are standing before them, and Paula replies with "one ate pizza and one ate salad." Huh, what? Someone slipped her something tonight per my request. Its not quite acid yet, maybe just some X. She is rude and laughing, the den mother to the contestants has lost it, which makes for great TV. Heather is going home to be an accountant. Kinnick gives her a huge hug and we have our second random cut away of the night to Gedeon in the red room, looking confused that he is suddenly on camera.

Ryan starts to eliminate the guys, but he asks them if they think they are safe. What the heck? That's mean even for Ryan who suddenly thinks he is Jeff Probst. Why didn't they do this to the girls? When Ryan asks Taylor he shows us why he will be perfect for the lead role in the musical adaptation of Rainman. David, who could really use some Zoloft tonight, is the first guy send packing. Kevin shows he is in fact a gansta, as he walks off stage with no acknowledgment of David. When David is done every contestant joins him on stage. Why didn't they do that for Brenna and Heather, well ok, I know why they didn't do it for Brenna, that would require that the other contestants like her, but Heather seemed likeable enough. Ryan, who apparently learned nothing from earlier in the night asks the judges to provide the Sway Kevin with advice. Paula, who FINALLY dropped acid during the commercial break, says something about a fortune cookie. Her display of brilliance is sure to elicit a call from homeland security - they are always looking for a few great minds. Sway is the next to go, but wait, his dad is back tonight. Idol miracles do happen! But, is his dad back because he loves his son, or because he is wearing a jacket with the DUCATI (a really fancy Italian made motorcycle) logo prominently displayed hoping they send him a free bike. Can guest do that, just wear whatever they want? If my relative ever gets on the show I’m going Nascar driver and wearing more ads on my chest than Little E. As Sway finishes up his song, everyone joins him on stage and Elliot gives us the first man tears of the season.

I have to give America a little credit tonight. They actually did a pretty good job of weeding out the also rans. The cuteness factor did not save David. With him out of the competition Will should consolidate the cuteness vote and make the top 12 along with Ace, Elliot, Taylor, Gedeon and Chris. For the ladies, 4 of the top 6 look like a lock – Mandisa, Paris, Kellie, Katharine. Lisa and Ayla are probably going to round out the list. Only a great performance (lets see if Melissa whores it up next week) by Melissa and a slip up from Ayla or Lisa will get her in the top 12. Kinnick you are the weakest link, goodbye.


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