Lovers Love Loving Love Songs

Here we go again, yet another bound to disappoint theme night for American Idol. Sure love songs are great, but when you put six of them back to back to back, well, it can get a little boring. It’s the musical equivalent of eating a lot of turkey on Thanksgiving and then fighting slumber while you sit on a couch remembering why you normally avoid the people around you 363 days of the year. Assisting the contestants this week is opera/pop singer Andrea Bocelli and producer David Foster. As Ryan says, “It’s another Tuesday and another challenge for our contestants." Hey look it's ousted idol contestant Stevie in the audience. I wonder what she is doing with the 30 seconds left of her 5 minutes of fame. I figure you only get the additional 10 minutes if you make the top 12. Ryan reminds us half of the top 12 have exited and the bad news for the ladies, and Kevin Covais, is last weeks departure of Ace Young. He says there are still however a couple heartthrobs on the show. A couple? That means there are two, so whom is he leaving out? Could it be Elliot? Oh wait, ok he says Randy and Simon are the two heartthrobs; so instead of insulting just Elliot he also included Taylor and Chris. Ryan introduces the judges and Paula has the crazy look back in her eyes. Near impossible to capture with words, Paula’s crazy look is a cross between that dazed and confused stare W gets when he tries to use the English language to explain what he believes and the intense stare Hillary always seems to have when she looks at Bill, you know the ‘I have to keep this façade up until 2008’ look. Tonights show ushers in the use of two phone numbers for each contestant, which means no excuses for not voting this week! Wouldn’t it be great if instead of an automated recording an actual person answered your phone call and wrote down your vote, kinda like when PBS does its funding raising on air specials? Then Ryan could say ‘we have operators standing by' and all those semi famous people in the audience could man a phone and chat with the voters! If I had the chance to talk with the girl that played Donna on Beverly Hills 90210 you better believe I’d be calling in votes nonstop. Ryan says its time for mood lighting and scented candles as he sends us to the video package. Andrea and David worked together on Andrea’s last album and staged a pretty spiffy looking show in Las Vegas. When the contestants have their meeting with Andrea they walk into a room where he is singing and David is playing piano. Huh? Normally the contestants sing a song from the guest artist as the guest artist walks in and gets all embarrassed when the contestants genuflect at his feet. But not tonight, could it be because with the exception of Kat none of the remaining contestants could sing any of Andrea’s nonpop songs? Andrea is singing something pretty when they walk in and upon his finishing the song Taylor, who seems to have this problem, puts his hands together to clap a few seconds too early and holds his hands there just waiting for the right time to begin his clap fest! Clap fest…that sounds like something Paris Hilton has dealt with many times. Andrea shows them a warm up exercise he always does before he sings; Chris shows him his own warm up exercise. Chris cuts himself with a small knife and then writes out LIVE on his chest with his own blood; at least we finally understand why he always looks so intense while he sings. When the contestants try to sing Andrea’s warm up it sounds really bad, make sure we don’t use this as part of an upcoming group performance. David mocks them all by asking if these are really the finalists. Hey he is the American version of Simon Cowell sans tight tee shirts. He says if you can’t cut it in his studio you are gone; he only plays hardball. As opposed to Ryan, who only plays with hard balls.

Kat - I Have Nothing

Kat is singing a song written by David Foster, which makes this a brave choice this week. In addition, Whitney Houston made this song famous, so Kat has some cracked filled shoes to fill. David helps her with the song in rehearsal and tells her to change up the climax of the song by taking the notes a little higher; Kat tries it in the studio and nails it on the first try. David says she has a great future and Andrea says she has a powerful clean voice, and somehow figures out she is beautiful. Foster asks Andrea if he thinks Kat could sing opera and after a moment of hesitation says she probably could. Right on cue, Kat starts singing one of Andrea’s operatic numbers and he joins in for an impromptu duet; they sound really good together. I’d like to see anyone else on the show this season try a duet with Andrea; the duet would crash and burn quicker than the shows that follow Idol on Wednesday night. Holy cleavage Batman! Most weeks Kat looks like she is doing anything and everything she can to cover up her body. Some weeks it was so bad even the Amish were writing into idol complaining that she didn’t show enough skin. Tonight she is wearing a form fitting yellow dress that confirms Kat is in fact a woman. I wonder if Kellie told her its important to remind the viewing audience that you do have breasts. She turns on the smoldering charm and prances around the stage a bit on the song. I think she is having more fun singing this song than any of the songs so far this season. Can we get the extreme close up lens they used to much last week and have it zoom in on her chest? Is that an FCC violation waiting to happen? Quick text message Justin Timberlake and get that boy on stage! She sounds really good on the song, as far as I can tell her pitch is really good. There are a few parts that sound different from the original that at first I think are maybe pitch deviations, however it is just Kat putting her own spin on the song. She changes up the phrasing of the song; this is not a Whitney reproduction, it’s a Kat original. She sounds really good tonight, this might be her best performance of the season to date; the vocals this week are better than her acclaimed performance last Tuesday night. Hey look Sasha Cohen is in the audience. As usual the first night of an event she is stunning, but how much do you wanna bet tomorrow night she manages to trip while walking to her seat. Randy thinks it s a good song choice, but if he keeps it real, it was way to big for Kat. He slips back into his ‘best singer in the known world’ line I thought we had finally escaped. Again it bears mentioning – who in the unknown world is Randy afraid of offending? He said he didn’t like her signing a song from Whitney in her prime, as opposed to know when she is high 24/7. Kat seems a bit stunned by Randy’s comments and manages a nervous laugh. Paula says, “it’s really tough in this competition now, it’s serious and tough, and I’m going to try to be a little bit on that side.” What the $*%& is she talking about; she really is on something tonight. She says Kat had pitch problems tonight and recommends she stay in her comfort zone since her money is in her back pocket, what your money is, or something. I have no idea what she is talking about right now, and I’m fairly certain neither does Paula. Seriously Paula, are you kidding me? Week after week when people give horrible performances she claps for them and ignore their horrible pitch problems, but tonight, when Kat gives a pretty darn good performance she lays into her with harsh comments. Simon says singing a song by Whitney is like asserting you are as good as she is, and Kat showed she is not nearly as good. Little double standard here? I’ve mentioned before that you should never sing a song form Celine or Whitney on this show, however, Kat did the song justice and had a good reason to sing it; she was able to work with David Foster, the guy who actually wrote the song. Using the judges logic, was Chris asserting himself as a better singer than Louie Armstrong last week when he sang? Of course remember, earlier this year Paula said Chris was a better singer than Freddie Mercury. A lot of people like to suggest there are these massive conspiracy theories on American Idol; the show finesses the performance order and the judges’ comments to ensure their favorite son wins the competition. I don’t subscribe to such notions, however when you see something like what is happening with Kat tonight it does make you wonder a little. Why the unwarranted overly harsh comments? In addition to the lambasting Kat gets from the judges she also has the unenviable tasks of opening the show. Ryan walks out and says things are off to an uncomfortable start and then compounds the awkwardness by saying the people at home who don’t have their volume on are going to give her a lot of votes. Obviously he was saying she looked really good, but without realizing it his statement could easily mean ‘you sounded really horrible tonight but boy those breasts are popping out of the dress so perverts at home will vote for you in copious amounts!’ Nice touch Ryan. Kat is forced to stand there with a perplexed fake smile on her face. Who can blame her, the guy who wrote the song loved her take on it, but the judges hated it – go figure.

Elliot – A Song for You

Elliot is up next and he gets a presong interview, something Kat did not get, in fact, Kat didn’t even get a post song interview with Ryan. Elliot is pumped to sing tonight; he’ll be singing a Donnie Hathaway song, the same one he sang to sail through the auditions. It turns out one of the backup singers is the daughter of this Donnie guy. I should care because…? When he declares his love for Donnie the crowd goes nuts. Ok reality check, I’m willing to bet no one in the audience under the age of 30 has ever heard one of his songs. Andrea says Elliot knows the song very well, but David is worried he picked such a stylized song. David tells Elliot he has to do more with the song and make it his own, and interestingly, David replaces the normal idol piano guy so he can play while Elliot sings. One of Elliot’s problems thus far is his ability to mimic. Instead of sounding like Elliot he sounds like Elliot singing like Stevie Wonder, or whatever artist he is replicating. David says Elliot sings really really well. Back to live action as Elliot takes the stage with a massive knot on his tie. I’ve never understood why anyone wears their tie like that; it’s almost as bad as the ties that don’t come down to the waistline. He looks more comfortable on stage than he did last week and he isn’t trying to make us love him as hard. He sounds good, but I am not feeling this song at all, its really rather boring. Elliot does the same little vocal runs every time he sings a song; he is starting to sound a little repetitive. Although his countenance is smoother than last week, the vocals are not as good, and the arrangement is lethargic. Furthermore, parts of the song are just too low for him and the music swallows his voice. I like Elliot a lot, but this is one of his weaker performances in the last few weeks. The last quarter of the song is really not that good for this stage in the competition. Hey look former SNL cast member Kevin Nealon is in the crowd going nuts for Elliot. I wonder what soon to be cancelled show Kevin has on Fox. Although Randy didn’t like the arrangement of the song he thinks Elliot is the bomb tonight. Paula is official whacked out of her mind tonight. She is crying as she says Elliot moved her and then says something about watching back tapes of the show and how Elliot is what this competition is all about. She continues with how handsome he is and how he has evolved as a performer. Unfortunately, she never actually made any comments about how he sang tonight. Are tears universal for job well done? Simon is cracking up as Paula breaks down. Can you really blame him? This girl is grade A lock her up and sedate her nuts. Simon says parts of Elliot’s song tonight were a vocal master class. Was Elliot really that much better than Kat tonight? Does there effusive praise of elliot tonight mean they think Donnie Hathaway sucks? Since by singing the song of someone it means you think you can sing it better than the original and should therefore be compared to the original version of the song, I guess Elliot is significantly better than Donnie. Take that back up singer girl! The judges just dissed your father. Sorry, I’m still upset about the way they dressed down Kat.

Kellie – Unchained Melody

Kellie gets a presong interview just like Elliot. She reminds us she has no boyfriend and is lonely. She says she is doing a song from Ghost, but since she is single she doesn’t have anyone to act out the poetry scene with, which leads Ryan to predict before the end of the season she will have her own pottery playmate. Andrea says she picked a beautiful song that is sweet, like her voice. Meanwhile American Simon says she is too robotic. He tries to help her jazz up the performance by including the big show stopping falsetto at the end of the song. David warns that this song can be very boring if sung without passion. Andrea correctly identifies Kellie as a blonde, which can only mean one thing: even blind people can spot the inherent stupidity of blondes. The song starts too low for Kellie and she is doing the very stupid sit down on the stage for no reason only to stand up at some point during the song routine. Wow she is really off pitch tonight, every time the song calls for a jump of more than one or two notes she can’t find the right pitch. The crowd barely even shows any excitement when she hits the big falsetto note, probably because the ‘big’ note isn’t really all that big. Hey Sela Ward is in the audience tonight! She is a serious actress, I would have thought this type of appearance is beneath her standards. Randy says Kellie has the same ‘I butchered it look” on her face this week. He says she had some pitch problems and never quite figured out how to sing the song. Paula is critical, telling Kellie she is not raising the bar every week. Paula knows about bars too, she spends hours in them everyday, especially Tuesday afternoons! Simon says the song felt never ending devoid of warmth and…then the music starts to play. Did he just win an Oscar or something? Ryan says they need to speed up the show or they are going to go off the air. Since tonight House follows Idol and not some crappy show like The Loop, the Fox executives really really want to finish things on time.

Paris – The Way We Were

Suddenly Paris is concerned about picking the right song for her age. This is the same girl who sang Fever and gyrated around the stage numerous times acting like a 25 year old woman. Andrea says she has big volume just like him, but David wants her to suck the audience into the song by dialing back on the big voice during the first part of the song. Andrea says she has an incredible instrument of a voice. She takes the stage with her new hair and outfit; gone is Miss young executive/temp worker from last week. Is there a limit to how many different hairstyles you can utilize in one season of Idol? She shows good personality with the song and her voice sounds good, but the performance never really takes off all the way. I don’t like the arrangement of the song; the percussion and the bass are a little overwhelming. Contrary to David’s opinion, I think the song starts out too soft and subtle to grab anyone’s attention. The last quarter of the song is pretty good and her last note if fantastic. Despite a big finish, this was a pretty weak performance from Paris. Randy says he is not over the top about her tonight, but she can sing anything. Paula says she is born to sing and despite over singing parts of the song this was the best female vocal of the night. Simon says she sounded like she was trying to impersonate an older artist. Ok another reality check time. If we employ the Kat logic on Paris, it means she just declared herself a better singer than Babs. Since the judges did not say she paled in comparison, we can safely assume that Paris is a better singer than Babs. Congrats Paris, now you can go out on tour and charge a thousand dollars a seat to hear you sing; that is about what Babs charges, and you are now better than her, so get your concert tour up and running!

Taylor – Just Once

Andrea says Taylor is a good singer with a beautiful instrument, and very interesting. Andrea thinks this song is perfect for Taylor’s voice and David declares him the most charismatic of all the contestants. Taylor is wearing his now standard suit with no tie, except he added a red handkerchief to his left jacket pocket. The song starts off kinda slow and for the first time all season Taylor sounds a little out of tune on some of the lower notes. He is not bringing it tonight like he normally does; even though he can sing the slower songs I think he does much better when he can move around and ‘feel’ the song. This song is similar to last week; it starts slow and then gets bigger. However, unlike last week where he finished with a big bang, this week his bang is medium sized at best. Of all the love songs available for Taylor this week was this really the best song he could sing? No way! Taylor seems to have as much if not more on stage experience than any contestant, yet his musical selections are often nonsensical. Some people go so far as to suggest he is trying to throw the competition. I will not go that far, but he really needs to spend more time selecting the right songs. Hey look Tori Spelling is in the crowd! Randy says it is the wrong song for Taylor and he doesn’t know what’s going on here. Paula says Taylor has a sensitive and playful side, and calls him handsome as heck. Simon feels Taylor is up tight tonight and gave a performance worthy of a hotel lounge and…dang girl sit down. In the middle of Simon talking Paula interrupts him by standing up and yelling, “We love you” as she points to Taylor. She is flying high tonight baby! Ryan runs out on stage continuing his talk as fast as possible so we don’t run into House thing and joins Taylor in a “Soul Patrol” chant.

Chris – Have you Ever Really Loved a Woman

Chris believes this is an amazing song; of course this is also the guy who picked a Creed song earlier in the season. When he shows up to work with Andrea the random black dude from last week is back. Was he there with the other contestants? Or does just Chris get the benefits of the Idol vocal coach? David tries to help Chris sing from his chest by making him sing while lying down. Wow, he actually sounds better lying down than when he is standing up, however, he can’t do the stare of death while lying down. David says if Chris gives the performance of his life he’ll do amazing, BUT…they stopped the video! We didn’t get to hear David say the word ‘but’ yet we saw his lips move. What was he going to say about Chris? Is it really fair to cut him off mid comment like that? What was he going to say? The whole ‘Idol will do anything to help Chris win thing’ is getting a little more plausible. He is after all in the ‘pimp’ spot again tonight. What the monkey? He is flanked on stage by two guitar players. Why didn’t anyone else get guitar players on stage with them tonight? Vocally he sounds pretty good, but not as good as when he was lying down. About halfway through the song he violently rips the microphone off the stand so he can effectively rock out. This is too much intensity for a love song; he is singing “have to treat her right” with the death stare burning into the camera. IF YOU DON’T TREAT HER RIGHT CHRIS WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY AND THEN CHARGE YOUR OTHER RELATIVES TOO MUCH ON CAR PARTS! At least he is wearing a long enough jacket to hide his stupid chain, but he still has his head cocked to the side. He ends the song with a little country styled voice modulation, which is at least a little change from what he normally sings. They are so short on time Randy says something and then Paula stands up screaming we all love you, and Simon says Chris picked a good song and sang it well.

FINAL THOUGHTS –

I normally agree with at least one judge’s comments on each person, but tonight I couldn’t’ disagree more with their evaluation of Kat. She was possibly the best of the night and did not deserve the beating she took. Kellie was by far the worst tonight, followed by, am I really saying this, Taylor. Paris, Chris, and Elliot all gave average to a little better than average performances. The bottom three will not contain Taylor or Chris. Taylor has no signs of being in the bottom three anytime soon even though he didn’t bring it tonight. Chris surprised everyone with his bottom three effort last week, so his fans will come out full force and propel him back into safety. Kellie, who has been very strong with her fan base heretofore, should finally slip into the bottom three. Can her fans really spend hours calling for her after the way she sounded tonight? I would hope not, if they are, dude get a life! The other two spots will go to some combination of Kat, Elliot, and Paris. Despite the judges treating her like a terrorist, I think Kat will avoid the bottom three. Her fans, and I suspect a lot of other people will get on the phones and call for her because she didn’t deserve the harsh critique. With Paris, Elliot, and Kellie in the bottom three, someone with a pretty good future will be going home. Elliot got a lot of airtime last night and seems to have a big following, and Kellie has legions of fans, so unfortunately, I think Paris will be on a midnight train to Georgia tomorrow night.

Forever Young No More

Unfortunately, the results show is only 30 minutes tonight. Sure its annoying when they bloat the show all the way up to a full hour, but really isn’t it better than anything else on TV at the same time (there is no LOST tonight). The results are in, and Ryan shaved for the results show again. For some reason his new patter is facial hair on Tuesday, clean-shaven on Wednesday. Maybe it’s a scientology thing. Why do they insist on putting Ryan at the back of the audience when he starts the show? The resulting people half turning in their chairs and looking over their shoulder is more awkward every time. Inevitably there is one person who refuses to look back at Ryan so instead you get the back of some guy’s head; please stop starting the show this way. I will no longer comment on Ryan looking like an adult, since that appears to be his new uniform. I bet Dick Clark is so proud of Ryan. Rod’s family is identified in the audience. What’s up with him trying to sell his family life, is he running for political office or something? First he brings his family to the rehearsal, now he brings them to the show and has the camera do a close-up. Who does this guy think he is, Tom Cruise? Speaking of that can we get predictions on how long it takes for Cruise’s kid to get their first arrest for drug possession? Did Barry Manilow bring his ‘life partner’ to the filming of the show? Come on, you know he is gay; the initial title to the classic song “Mandy” was after all “Randy.” Ryan tells us the entire country is buzzing about the show last night. He then introduces the judges telling us again last night was one of their strongest shows ever. Ok Ryan, we get the point, last night was good. When you repeat that fact every 10 seconds you sound like a little kid who just went potty for the first time and can’t stop telling every one the good news. During the video recap of Tuesdays, Rod calls the kids marvelous, Ryan tries his best to make puns on the song titles (much harder than during Queen week), and I realize that not even the Hubbell telescope could have zoomed in closer to Kat’s face. Ryan finally gets his first pun when he asks, “on the night of standards, who set the standards?” He says he’ll have the results and Rod will perform live after the break. Live? Really, you mean its not taped? Why does he always make such a big deal about the word live? They must have done focus groups on the word and found out people at home get pumped up when they hear the word. But really, its silly, if he doesn’t say Rod will be live would we assume they are going to play a clip of Rod singing a song from mid 1975 on the Dick Cavit show? Actually, I might prefer seeing that clip than hearing him live. The first commercials arrive, which means its time for another FORD commercial baby!

The commercial starts with Taylor on a poster saying “Taylor in Concert.” There is a car, I’m guessing a Ford of some kind driving down the street past various advertisements. The next one says “Elliot Live.” On all the posters once the car gets near the people in the posters start to dance! Wow Elliot might be half black after all, he busts a move on his poster. Kellie has a “Summer Tour” poster followed by Ace’s “Greatest Hits” poster. That’s it, our commercial hint of the night for who is going home. Work with me here. Often you release a greatest hits album, or go on tour with you greatest hits, when you are done with your original material; when you are on the down side of your career. Obviously Ace doesn’t have a greatest hits collection, that would require at least one hit, but it’s the best hint we get that he is done with new idol material by the end of the night. Kat has a poster saying “Katharines Classics” which is especially appropriate since she is such a classic singer and beauty. A “Chris in Concert” poster morphs into Chris slamming his guitar into the ground Peter Townsend style, followed by a “Songs from Paris” poster. You know, it just occurred to me, people haven’t been making Paris Hilton jokes about Paris. You would think that is mandatory when you have a young girl named Paris. Can you imagine the material available if Kellie, the good-looking young blonde, was named Paris instead of a young demur African American girl? The commercial ends with the car pulling up outside what appears to be a premier of some kind and all the contestants pile out of the car clown style. I bet this commercial was not nearly as much fun to film as some of the ones where they call get to dance around together, and the reaction of the Idol when we return live confirms my suspicions. Sure they were laughing at the commercial, but not nearly as much as some of the past weeks when you figure they had a ton of fun filming the commercial. Ryan AGAIN brags about the show last night and says the critics are hailing the show as the best American Idol ever. Notice Ryan only brings up the critics of the show when they think it was good. Why didn’t we hear any critic comments post country night? By invoking their approval some nights and ignoring them other nights he comes across a little silly. Hey I just realized he never said the vote total for tonight. Were the votes way down? Is it possible the best night in the history of television (hey he said it so many times now I believe him) had a surprisingly low vote turnout?

It’s time for some Rod; he walks out to greet Ryan as the band plays “Do You Think I’m Sexy.” Rod might be the most unattractive sex symbol of all time. With Don Knotts dead I think he officially holds the title. Rod sits down on the couch with Ryan and they talk about his 14 Grammy nominations and why he decided to make all these albums of American standards. Rod’s next project might be a redo of some of the great songs of 70s rock, so does that mean he is done writing his own new material? Of course he is in a no win situation: if he writes new material we’ll all say its not as good as his older stuff; if he sings standards and other songs we’ll say he is a sell out; and if he does nothing with his remaining talent and opens up a ranch where he can sexually molest little kids we’ll say he is Michael Jackson. When Ryan hears the 70s rock theme he suggest to the producer Nigel that it would be a great theme for next season. What? The show is back next season? Well that ruins the rest of this year for me; now that I know Ryan and the judges won’t be killed off in the last episode of the year it ruins the tension. Rod is wearing a very bright jacket that Ryan says matches Rod’s highlights. If anyone knows about highlights, it is Ryan. Rod saunters to center stage and begins “The Way You Look Tonight.” His voice isn’t as strong as it once was, but he still delivers a great performance. This is, with the exception of Shakira’s half naked shake fest, the best performance by a guest this season. If only Ace and Elliot can learn from Rod’s style. He owns the stage, interacts with the band, throws in some wacky dance moves, and looks so at ease we take his hand and journey into the past. In other words Ace and Elliot, stop trying so hard to sell the performance! If nothing else, Rod covered more ground on the stage than Kenny, Barry, and Stevie combined. Come on Stevie, I know you are blind, but would running around the stage a little kill you? Ok actually it might, forget that suggestion. Once Rod finishes, the contestants swarm him and he tells Kellie that she was great. That was pretty swell of him to make her feel better about the meat cutting performance last night.

Next Tuesday is Love Song night featuring Andrea Bocelli. Wow, his performance will surely bring the house down and show just how little some of the remaining contestants can sing. He will also be the second blind guest of the season. I know this is wrong to suggest, but how much would you pay to see Stevie Wonder play Andrea in a game of ping-pong? First person to score wins, it would be can’t miss television. There are seven people left tonight, which means Ryan should break the contestants into two groups and then ask the final person remaining on the couch, who is safe, to pick which group contains the bottom three. Ryan sends Elliot to the far side of the stage and Chris to the near side. Next is Princess P. (I used this as my stage name for a short time when I made 70’s porn films) and Pickler. Paris joins Chris and Kellie goes to Elliot. Since I’m confident Kellie will avoid the bottom three, which means Chris has fallen into the bottom three tonight. I bet he thinks the world ain’t so wonderful now! When Ryan sends Ace to join Chris and Paris you can almost see Chris think ‘oh crap’ I’m in the same group as Ace. Kat takes the remaining spot with Elliot and Kellie. Taylor, the only person left on the couch is not necessarily the highest vote getter (yes he is), but he is safe tonight! Taylor slumps on the couch a little when Ryan tells him he has to join the group he thinks is safe. Ryan gives Taylor and America the commercial break to think about which group is safe and when they return it’s time for Taylor’s choice. He should have walked down and sat next to the judges, since they are the perpetually safe three, but instead he walks over toe Chris and shakes his hand. Just as Ryan is saying, “I’m sorry” Taylor turns and walks away from Chris to stand next to Kat. Ryan pauses for a second, he is not sure what is going on, and then he realizes Taylor just punked him. Once Taylor stands still Ryan says Taylor picked the right group and Kat goes nuts hugging Taylor, as though it was because of him she is safe this week. I think Taylor is embarrassed about his little joke so he says he is sorry to Chris, Paris, and Ace as he walks back to the couch of safety. The crowd boos the bottom three, but Ryan makes it easy for one of the contestants really quickly; he sends Paris back to the couch. She doesn’t acknowledge her fellow mates as she walks back to safety.

Chris and Ace are apparently the Ben and Matt of American Idol, does that mean they both love the Red Soxs? Simon, who took credit for Chris singing a slow song last night (he didn’t really have a choice on standards night did he), refuses to take credit for Chris’s first trip to the bottom three. After all, Chris sang last night, not Simon. Ace and Chris picked their outfits from the same closet tonight. They are both wearing jeans and button down shirts, except Chris has his trusty chain of intensity by his side. Ryan says the person leaving IIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS Ace. They show us a close up of Ace’s brother, he is not too sad; he had to know this was coming. Chris’s family looks really sad for Ace, or really freaked out their boy fell into the bottom two. Poor Ace he has such a big smile on his face and the smile remains every when Ryan tells him his Idol run is over. All three judges give Ace a standing ovation and Ace says he can’t wait until the top 10 go on tour so he can meet his fans. Ace’s clip package starts with Ace saying, “I’m ready to entertain you.” He goes on to say last year you could have been working at a zoo and now you are on American idol. Huh? Did Ace used to work in a zoo? Why did he pick zookeeper as an example? Lets recap, when you need to make an example in England its gravediggers, but in America its people that work in zoos. The sayings of Ace continue when he say he just wants to be our escape; remove us from our 9-5. Shucks Ace, thanks a lot for helping me escape! Ace starts to sing the final time on Idol in his trademark baggy jeans; it only takes about 10 seconds until he wanders off pitch. I wonder what will happen when the contestants join Ace when he finishes…oh umm never mind about that, the show cut out about 24 seconds into Ace’s song. At least Ace can go back to his old job of ‘looking darn sexy’ now that he is leaving American Idol. Next week should be interesting. Paris, Kat, Taylor, and Elliot should be able to hit the love song theme out the park. Kellie has had a lot of pitch problems on the slower songs with long notes, which is normally what a love song is, so she could be in some trouble. Chris is much better on the rock styled songs, so unless he can find a love song that lets him scream and scare into the camera with his eyes of death, he might be back in the bottom three next week.

Do you think I'm old?

For those people wondering what today is, Ryan quickly tells them, “It is Tuesday night and the contestants are ready to perform, the music is from the past, but you decide their future” he says to open up the show. He then tells us this is American Idol. I really appreciate him reminding me because the commercial they ran seconds before the show exclaiming it was time for American Idol left me confused. For a second there I thought maybe I was on that celebrity cook off show. Ryan is growing out the facial hair again and wearing another nice suit. It is now official – he has grown up and is now an adult. Why does he need two microphones on his jacket? Are the producers terrified of dead air if his mic cuts off and they have to *gasp* run out a new mic to Ryan during the show. Maybe they just don’t have the time; these hour-long shows are a tight fit. Ryan says after tonight the “family unit shrinks again.” This is our first creepy moment of the night. Randy is wearing a pretty normal white shirt, Paula an odd greenish thing, and Simon his normal tee shirt of the month entry. Even with a tee shirt wearing Simon, tonight is a sophisticated show says Ryan – start the videos! Rod explains the history of music, how it’s all connected, and how he sold out, I mean, umm, incorporated other styles of music into his repertoire. Strangely, when Rod shows up to meet the contestants he is carrying his newborn child and accompanying them is his finance. The fiancé is about 10 years older than the newborn child; way to go Rod. The contestants sing the Rod song “You’re In My Heart” as he shows off his little boy. Did anyone notice the girls were more excited to see the little kid than Rod. There is some random black guy (looks like he might be gay) next to Rod when he enters. Does Rod own a slave? Is that legal? Do they do that kind of thing in Britain? Rod apologizes to the contestants for being late; he was busy making wedding plans. So lets recap. He shows up late, brings his wife, and brings his kid. Compare that to Barry Manilow who would take a bullet to work with the contestants again. Rod starts in with the compliments, saying he couldn’t perform these songs when he was their age. They show a few more clips of Rod and the kids and he is dancing with the random black guy and hugging Ace really tight…ok then. Rod says doing Idol will be a great way to put a lid on his American songbook experience. Ryan says Rod will be here tomorrow to sing live. Really, holy cow, he is singing a song from the band LIVE? Oh wait, Ryan meant live, like not recorded, my bad.

Chris – Wonderful World

Wow Chris is the first one up tonight, can they really put the golden boy so early in the show and not affect his vote total? Taylor was the lead off hitter last week and avoided the bottom three, we will see if Chris can do the same. In his video clip he says the song represents so many values that he holds dear. He also admits this song is going to be harder from him to sing than the belt-it-out-as-loud-as-he can method he normally employs. During their work session Rod says that Chris was brought up on heavy metal and he can’t imagine Ozzy singing this type of song. I also couldn’t imagine Chris biting the head off a bat on stage, so that makes two things Ozzy and Chris don’t share in common. Without any presong interview with Ryan, Chris’s song begins. He is wearing some type of vest thing with short sleeves and his lucky hold my wallet in place chain. Really dude you are singing about this wonderful world, couldn’t you leave the chain at home just once? Pickpockets must have really messed up his childhood. Apparently the world is not quite wonderful enough that Chris can be chainless. On a positive note, within the first couple seconds of the song Chris blinks – he is human! Sadly Chris is not the best at showing emotion while he sings. Well sure he can display the ‘I’m going to kill all of you now’ emotion just fine, but he has trouble being sensitive when he sings. If only Clay could teach him a few things about feeling other people’s pain! I really don’t understand why Chris is so intense when he performs, he seems like a really loving guy in all his interviews, and even back to the early days of idol he was always nice to the other contestants. Chris sounds pretty good on this out of character song choice. He has some issues on a few of the notes and his voice is not really strong enough to convey the power of the song. His world is not nearly as wonderful as someone like Louie Armstrong’s. I find it hard to judge Chris from scratch. If I had never seen or heard him before I think I would find this a rather pedantic performance devoid of any ‘wow’ factor. The only thing that makes it a little ‘wow’ is Chris finally singing a slow song with no alterations. Sure he did a slower song on country week, but that was country week, we all hated that crap and did out best not really listen. Overall Chris has more good than bad parts on a song that must have been really hard for him to sing; I give him credit for tackling such a well-known song. I wonder how the other people will sound tonight, is it possible the producers think Chris will struggle tonight so they put him first so we would forget about him by the end of the night? Randy says it’s the bomb, Paula is ecstatic he broke out of his rock mold, and Simon takes credit for the Chris transformation, calling it a great performance. Ryan talks to Chris after the song and Chris reveals he shaved off most of his beard and ditched the eyeliner. Chris performed one of those all time everyone recognizes this song, however, I really don’t think I’ll be walking around humming this song tomorrow, which means his performance did not have the ‘wow’ factor all contestants need at this stage in the competition. Its possible he could end up in the bottom three, we won’t know that until we see the other performers.

Paris – Foolish Things

Unlike Chris, she gets the presong interview. We learn amazing things like her mommy gave her an Easter basket and Paris roller-skated and danced over the weekend. Dancing and roller-skates; is Paris back in the 70s or something? Ryan tries really hard to be funny and said Simon dressed up like a bunny and layed eggs over at his house on Sunday. The audience laughs just a little out of pity, and then Ryan quickly moves the show along. Paris is reinvented yet again tonight. However, I think she missed the mark; her red/orange dress looks more like she is on her way to her first temp job rather than an elegant lady about to sing something from America’s songbook. Since its family week or something, Paris brings her mommy to the session with Rod. I guess if he can bring along his wife and his child Paris can bring her mom. Sadly, Paris’s 22-year-old mother is actually 7 years older than Rod’s wife. Rod says Paris has a touch of Billy Holliday inside her and is outstanding for a 17 year old. He then says he was digging graves when he was 17. Huh? Really? Or is that like an English expression. You know how in America the grandfather used to walk to school in the snow, up hill, both ways. Do they instead make grave digging references in England? Paris deglamified her performance tonight. She isn’t trying to over sing the song or stop the show like she was the last couple weeks. She is just standing still and really singing the song well. She sounds really good tonight, her tone is wonderful and she is pitch perfect. She looks so comfortable with the music in this genre. There are no major vocal problems and she gives her best performance in several weeks. Randy says this was her greatest night ever, the bomb, that ever note was in tune. Paula says Paris reminded her of the initial audition when they judges fell in love with her style. Simon found her stylish and terrific; he cannot comprehend how she talks like Minnie Mouse yet sings like a grown up woman. Since Simon makes a Disney reference once a week he really needs to start getting royalties from the Mouse. Ryan visits Simon at the judge’s table and tries to pick up his cup. Simon, apparently still mentally scared from when an auditioner threw a cup of coke on his, recoiled away in horror with his Coke cup. Ryan placates Simon, ensuring him he doesn’t intend to throw the drink on his pretty tee shirt. Rather, Ryan wanted to see if there was “happy fuel” in Simon’s cup. He thinks only a “happy fuel” appearance would explain why Simon is being nice tonight. Randy suggests that Simon might be drunk tonight. Lets recap the drinking allegations. Simon says Taylor might be drunk and randy says Simon might be drunk. When will someone have the guts to suggest that Paula is drunk! Paris was really great tonight, but she has been in the bottom three before, so perhaps she will be back.

Taylor – You Send Me

Right before the show goes to commercial we see Taylor do a little ‘wooo’ as he turns his body to the side. In his presong interview Taylor and Ryan discuss the skit on the show on Saturday night that is not taped. Taylor says he loved the parody and fell out on the floor, but they didn’t include his clap, he has a clap! Did he just reveal to the world he has the clap? Taylor loves Rod and does a great job plugging Rod’s album while talking with Ryan. The random black dude is back when Taylor works with Rod. I’m not confident that he is the vocal coach for the guys; at least I think I’m right. Rod tells Taylor to throw himself around and sell the song as much as he can, don’t worry what Simon thinks. Rod then says you have to grab the audience by the balls! Oh my Rod watch the language this is a family show! That being said Rod can grab my…umm never mind. Taylor left the leather at home again and is wearing a nice suit with a black tieless shirt. The song starts off a little repetitive as Taylor repeats the same verse a few times. So far the song is staying in the same few note range; this song can either stay basically ok or really pick up and get going. Here we go! Taylor gets a little smirk on his face like he knows he is about to take control of the stage and he goes all out. The last 30 seconds of the song are fantastic, as good as anything we’ve seen on Idol this season. One of the best things about Taylor’s singing is his unity with the band. They only rehearsed this song what, like 5 times, yet it feels like he has been touring with this band, doing this song, all year. Hey did I just see Latoya London in the audience? The crowd is going crazy for Taylor and won’t stop cheering; you can tell he is their favorite. Randy says it’s a crazy night and he is blown away by Taylor. Paula, whose breasts are seemingly growing larger the longer the show stays on the air, loves Taylor. Hey they just went back into the audience and this time they add a helpful subtitle, it is Latoya! Simon was worried about the song at first, but by the end it was magic. Not a king of magic, because that would give us a Queen pun a week too late. Taylor is S-A-F-E tonight. As we go to commercial Ryan says Elliot and Kellie look like a prom date, and by golly, he is right!

Elliot – It Had to be You

When they come back from commercial someone is holding up a sign that says “Ryan will you be our brother.” I don’t understand that sign at all, please explain that to me. Rod and random black guy meet with Elliot and Rod tells Elliot he loves it when someone puts their own stamp on a song. We find out Elliot’s mom was once a professional singer; did we already know that fact? Rod commends Elliot for his great pipes and tells Elliot he feels old around all these kids. Elliot takes the stage in a purple dominated outfit smiling and snapping his fingers. He sounds like a less sexy Harry Connick Jr., but unlike Harry, I don’t think Elliot is feeling the music so much as giving us what he thinks we want to see him do on this song. Does that make sense? It feels a little forced, almost Lisalike. Vocally Elliot is pretty good tonight, not his best performance, but really good. I think he misses some of the low notes and isn’t quite perfect, but for top 7, this is really good stuff. Randy says it was an excellent song choice; Paula commends him for contemporizing older songs. Halfway through her comments she says she knows she needs to hurry up; is there someone signaling her to move it along like this is her Oscar acceptance speech? Elliot looks scared when it’s Simon’s turn to comment. Simon says the vocals were good, but he feels Elliot lacked personality while he sang and is therefore slightly concerned for Elliot. The crowd boos and the judges react similarly, called Simon “Mr. Personality.” Elliot also disagrees raising his eyebrows and saying, “I disagree.” Ryan, who is the most impartial person ever steps in and defends Elliot too. However, I understand what Simon meant, Elliot was more forced than comfortable while he performed.


Kellie - Bewitched, Bothered, and Butchered

Kellie hugs everyone, so of course she hugs Rod. He calls her a little firecracked and makes a joke about getting the words and the lyrics. Kellie doesn’t realize that words and lyrics are the same thing, but Rod explains it to her and then she laughs. Poor thing, its like she is caught on the onramp of the mental highway. Random black guy is gone, instead it’s a black woman. I think we have seen her before as one of the vocal coaches. Rod tries to help Kellie create a different feel to the song, which sounds pretty good, and she tells him “you took a load off my chest.” Rod laughs and says ‘well’; I gotta give him credit, he is a pretty funny guy. Kellie looks great tonight and starts off the song sounding really good. She has a little country twang in her voice and is handling the standard with…uh oh, we have a bad note. The first time she has an extended note she loses the pitched and her tone wavers. About halfway through the song Kellie looks uncomfortable and starts missing more notes than she hits. The camera goes behind the judge’s table and we can see Simon putting his head down on the table. Is Kellie so bad that he can’t even bear to look at her? Wow the last third of the song was really bad, not Kevin bad, but pretty close. Kellie looks sad and when Randy starts to talk she says she butchered the song. Randy says it was pitchy at spots; Paula, who doesn’t know how to handle negative comments, reverts back into fashion judge and says she loves Kellie’s shoes. Kellie, who is pretty darn funny herself says, “When all else fails you better have great shoes.” Simon says it felt like Kellie didn’t even pick her own song and says she didn’t need to bother with the bewitched or bothered part of the song, only the bewildered. Simon is probably right on the song choice. I doubt going into this show she was a big American standards fan, so one of the producers or her grandfather told her which song to sing. Kellie puts on her pouting face (can anyone say no to that thing) and says she is sorry for her performance. Ryan says she nailed it in rehearsal and says it is too bad she didn’t have a second chance to sing. Kellie says she didn’t want to put the audience through the torture of singing it again. Awww, she just picked up a million votes with that comment and should be safe.

Ace – That’s All

Oh my god! Ace has no hair left, what happened to it? Will he lose his magical powers without his hair? Teenage girls across America are going to become strippers at lacrosse parties in their depression induced angst over Ace’s hairless head…oh wait, whew, ok the hair is just pulled up, he still has his beautiful mane. During his rehearsal with Rod the black dude is back and Ace wants Rod’s approval. Rod says Ace was great and did a better version than he did. Gee, do you think this clip had anything to do with last week when the clip made Ace look like an idiot for changing up the Queen music. I guess one clip making you look bad deserves another clip making you look great. Ace, with his pulled back hair and a nice suit take the stage singing better than he has in awhile. I really do not miss his baggy jeans and chest displaying shirts he normally wears. Once the song gets going he loses a bit of his sound and gets nasal. He doesn’t ‘fly’ tonight, but he does rub his tummy per his standard choreography. His falsetto regular voice transition is much better tonight. While it is not saying much, this is the best Ace has been in weeks. Randy says he likes the suit and hair, but Ace had a little trouble with the song’s bridge. Paula says Ace’s falsetto is his back pocket token to wherever he wants to go – huh? Simon says, whoah look in the audience its Michael Rapaport in the audience, he is on one of the crappy Fox shows Idol makes enough money to sustain. He didn’t get a shout out from Ryan though; even the cast of “The Loop” got a shout out, that can’t speak well of his show’s future on Fox. Anyway, Simon says it wasn’t bad, at which point Ace goes nuts Taylor style. Simons says it was charming and seems pretty pleased about Ace tonight. Ace can’t get over Simon somewhat liking him, so he asks Ryan if he heard what Simon said. Ryan asks if the hairstyle hurts and Ace says no, and then says he will be thinking about Simon’s comment all night long. Lets see, Ace has struggled lately, then he gives his best performance of the season, that means he is gone this week!

Kat – Someone to Watch Over Me

Kat meets with Rod and says she is not sure what she is singing yet; while she is trying out a few songs Rod dances with the random black dude. Kat shows some personality by pretending to be a wedding singer while they dance. Rod removes one song from Kat’s choices – the song he is performing tomorrow night! He takes the music and rips it in half; funny guy this Rod. Funny boy says Kat is fantastic and he imagines big things for her future. Holy good fashion sense batman! Kat actually looks great tonight. She is wearing an elegant all black ensemble and for the first time in a long time she doesn’t look weird. She starts off the song sitting on the stage while the camera moves in extremely close on her face. Wow the camera is as zoomed in as possible, but Kat still looks great. Throw in Richard Dreyfus and a teacher almost sleeps with student dynamic and we have Mr. Holland’s Opus part two. The camera loves Kat and the director gets lots of different angles of Kat’s beautiful face; if this whole Idol thing doesn’t work out she could do commercials or acting no problem. Kat sounds fantastic and even throws some runs into the song. She looks so at ease, like she is barely even trying. She is elegant, and the best singer tonight. Randy says this is her element (the crowd is so loud she can’t even hear Randy) and loved her. Paula fell in love with Kat all over again and then compares the performance to Mr. Holland’s Opus. Son of a…Paula just had the same train of thought I did. I feel so…stupid, used, and useless in life. If Paula and me keep agreeing on stuff I’m going to start really doubting my intelligence. Kat’s dad is crying in the audience and Simon says Kat made the other contestants look like amateurs tonight. Ryan calls it a homerun performance when he joins Kat on stage. Unless her phone lines don’t work, Kat should be safe tonight.

Final Thoughts –
As soon as the show is over Kellie runs over and hugs Kat and Elliot hugs Taylor. How cute, they all love each other. Now if only we can get a video produced of Kat loving Kellie. Watching the recaps at the end of the show, I think Chris had the third weakest performance of the night; he was better than only Ace and Kellie. Oddly, Chris actually benefited from singing first. However, this was not Chris’s type of music, he sang first, and then a whole lot of great singers sang. So, I think it’s possible he winds up in the bottom three tonight for the first time. On Kellie’s clip they have a hard time finding 20 consecutive seconds where she is actually on the right pitch. Even though she gave the worst performance of the night, I think she has a strong and loyal fan base; it is possible her fans will prevent a visit to the bottom three. I think they will pick Pickler and keep her safe. Kat and Taylor should be fine. Kat really can sound like Christina sometimes, I can’t wait to hear what she can do in the studio. That leaves Elliot, Paris, and Ace. Ace is going home, we already know that much, we just need to find two people to keep him company until he leaves. I think Chris’s fans will be loyal enough to vote for their wonderful world guy and therefore Paris and Elliot will be in the bottom three, with Ace returning to his homebuilding ways.

Bucky gets Bucked

Finally we have another bloated filled with more filler than a Twinkie hour-long results episode of American Idol. Really you have to wonder why they don’t stretch this out for an hour every week. If they did we would watch; wanna bet it gets higher ratings than an episode of “The Loop.” Ryan is wearing yet another dark suit; I think he gave up all his metrosexual clothing from the first couple seasons. Ryan introduces the three in house drama queens; this show has more puns than any show on television. Randy seems to have raided Ryan’s closest again tonight. He is wearing a pinkish shirt contraption; last week he wore the valentine red vest. Even though Simon wears the same style shirt ever week, he is surprisingly the best-dressed judge. Paula in typical maybe drunk maybe not mode starts giggling when Simon tickles her under the table. I wish Simon sat next to Randy, then we could have the awkward moment when Simon tickles Randy under the table. Paula in her imminent wisdom says she didn’t know how hard Queen songs are to sing. Helen Keller knows how talented Freddie Mercury was and how difficult his songs are to replicate, and she is deaf, blind, and dead. Ryan asks Randy what the females need to do to keep themselves safe from elimination. Before Randy answers Simon says sarcastically, “sing really well every time.” Since this is what Randy gives as advice whenever asked for guidance, it’s safe to say Simon is making fun of Randy. However, Randy ain’t too bright, so he says Simon just made a joke, but he’s right, you need to sing really really well every time. I don’t know what is more humorous, Simon’s joke or Randy’s ignorance of the joke. Ryan quickly shifts his discourse to Simon and calls him the most miserable millionaire he’s ever met. I guess Ryan has never met Jennifer Anniston, since we are supposed to believe all she does is cry herself to sleep every night since Brad left her. Actually, I’m not gay, but I’d probably cry if Brad Pitt left me too, he is just so dreamy. Simon says he is so difficult on the contestants because America likes honesty (except from their Presidents) and he refuses to be insincere like Ryan. I notice two things during the recap of last night: the crowd is emotionless during Chris’s supposedly rocking performance; and Paris sounded much worse than I thought. Ryan is in rare pun form when he says, “with all 8 under pressure, did you find someone to love America?”

Sweetness, its time for another group number; this is our first preview of the set list for the upcoming tour. So what does Idol do for this long awaited group number? They split the screen into two boxes, one really big and one really small. In one of the boxes they show the contestants singing and dance. In the other it’s highlights from this season. You would think that the performance would be in the larger box right? Wrong! I could understand putting them in such a small box if all the contestants were ugly, but we have Ace to look at, so make the picture bigger. The first song the group sings is “It’s a Kind of Magic” then they transition into “Killer Queen” where Ace gets a little solo. Next it’s “Under Pressure” featuring Chris. I thought Chris might do this song last night, and boy do I wish he did, I think it would have gone over better with the judges. But this song is famous for the David Bowie/Freddie Mercury pairing, so which contestant will join Chris on the song; its Bucky! Comparing Bucky/Chris to Bowie/Mercury is like…well comparing Queen with Freddie Mercury to Queen with their new guy. Kat and Kellie (our favorite best friends) are featured on “Don’t Stop Me Now.” The contestants disperse into the audience singing “Another One Bites the Dust” or as I like to call it, the Bucky anthem. They assemble back on stage so Elliot can sing, “You’re My Best Friend.” Just like Chris, Elliot sounds better on this song than he did the night before. Couldn’t the people who set up the group number help the contestants find better songs to sing? Do they purposes let them pick really bad song choices because they know that makes for better television? Then the contestants answer the age old question ‘who is the champion’ when they sing “We Are the Champions.” Since Taylor almost sung this last night it is his baby. He steps in front of his peers and belts out the song, then fades back into the group only to emerge once again to finish the number strong. Taylor’s voice is so distinctive you can hear him above the other contestants. Hey look its Will from the top 24. Do you think he had to stand outside and wait for tickets, or did the producers hook him up for being so darn cute? At the end of the group medley everyone is supposed to hold the pose until the show cuts to commercial. This is standard idol fare; you don’t break the pose until you get the all clear. In fact, only one person has trouble with this rule. Yup you guessed it – Bucky! As soon as he finishes the last note he takes his hand down from the pose, realizes he messed up, puts the hand back up in the air, then for some reason takes his hand down again and starts to clap. He does all this while EVERY OTHER person has their arms fully extended over their heads with their finger pointed towards the sky.

It is time to watch another Ford commercial; this week’s music is “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” We see Taylor, Kat, Kellie, and Elliot dressed in the brightest golf attire this side of a drag queen review. Ironically, this is the best Kat has looked the entire season. Bucky, Chris, Paris, and Ace are equally bright and walk towards the other group. This looks like some kinda West Side Story dance fight about to happen. Except instead of knives they settle their dispute on a miniature golf course. Wouldn’t that be a great way to prevent wars? Have the leaders from the two countries play a round of winner takes all miniature golf. I mean come on; does anyone think Saddam could have beat W. on the Windmill hole? W. might not be too good with the whole speaking English thing or asking questions from his subordinates, but the dude knows his miniature golf. The contestants appear to be playing for a Ford Escape. I wonder how many of them have actually golfed before. For sure Paris has not; she is holding the club like it’s a dead fish. Chris works in an auto repair shop, which is not normally a profession associated with golfing. Kellie seems like more of an indoor girl. Ace is too busy climbing mountains, Elliot spends all his time listening to Stevie Wonder CDs in his bedroom, and Bucky is, well, he is Bucky. That leaves Kat and Taylor. Kat is all sophisticated so she has probably played a round or two, and Taylor is in the weather friendly south with a dentist as a dad; he has golfed before. Wait, the two groups aren’t squaring off against each other, instead, the first group is actually the caddies for the second group. Ace, Paris, Chris, and Bucky all take a shot at the green. All four balls end up within inches of the hole. Until that is, Kat blows Bucky’s ball into the hole (I really never thought I’d have a sentence in my idol recap about Kat blowing any of Bucky’s balls). Bucky immediately gives Kat a high five and then runs over to the Escape he just won. Is this more foreshadowing? A couple weeks ago Lisa went off screen on an ice cream cart only to be voted off that week, and Mandisa, last week’s reject, got 2 seconds of screen time in the commercial. Angered at his Bonds style cheating, Ace, Paris, and Chris do their best to hit Bucky with their golf balls, but Bucky uses his nimble southern dance moves to avoid the incoming missiles. Judging by the reaction of the contestants when we return to the live show, they had a lot of fun making this commercial. Ace confesses to Ryan he has never worn pink before, and Ryan says he has done it a bunch of times. I wonder if the new ‘I’m a serious host Ryan’ will ever wear pink again.

Ryan asks Taylor if he is homesick, which is not the same thing as sick of home, and Taylor says he misses southern cooking, specifically turnip greens. Kellie says she misses Oprah. Why does she miss Oprah? Does she not have a television at the Idol mansion? Oh wait a minute, she said okra! Okra and turnip greens, two things I wouldn’t even eat on Fear Factor. Paris says she misses fried chicken, no stereotype there right? I’m guessing Fuzzy Zeller is watching this somewhere screaming, “ See I told you that’s all they eat!” Elliot says he misses his friends and family and playing basketball. Strangely, the crowd collectively ‘awwws’ at the mention of basketball but showed no emotion when he said friends and family; does anyone else find that odd. Is this audience comprised of high school basketball coaches or something? Ace misses his brushes and hair care products and playing ‘who is hotter’ with his brothers. Bucky, WHO HAS A WIFE, says the thing he misses most is his dog. I am hoping this is because Bucky’s wife is out in lala land with him and not because they have some odd dog centered relationship. Kat misses her dog Lilly. Shouldn’t she be missing the person she was thinking about when she sang the song from the Manilow week, you know the one she said was her inspiration to sing all sexy. Chris, perhaps a bit smarter than Bucky correctly answers “my wife and kids.” After playing ‘what do you miss the most’ with the contestants Ryan starts playing clips from back home.

First up is Kat. Her mom and dad say they both have McPhever, which is McCreepy. Ace’s mom is wearing a shirt with Ace’s picture ironed on the front; it looks like something she had made at the local mall. In the picture Ace is wearing a beanie, remember he loves those, but hasn’t worn one in weeks. Was his beautiful hair too important to keep locked under a beanie? Elliot’s mom is next; she is both the sweetest and most boring of the parents. Taylor’s mom says the entire state of Alabama is rooting for him, and all 3000 residents that own phones in that state are calling for Taylor. Paris’s mom is Fantasia, what the heck? No wait, that’s not Fantasia, just a really young kid that must have had Paris when she was about 12. Bucky’s mom tells Bucky to “go get em.” Chris’s parents say the same thing, except in reverse order. His dad says, “ we love you and are voting for you” then his mom says “we are voting for you, and we love you.” Kellie’s grandfather is sitting on a swing with her little brother, and her little brother declares his love for Kellie. What no video footage from the prison cell of her dad? I’d love hearing his large black cellmate say how much he loves watching Kellie every Tuesday night.

Elliot is an emotional wreck after seeing all the videos. He wasn’t crying because he saw his mom in his video package, no, he was crying because he wishes he was one of Ace’s brothers. This whole thing feels like the annual Survivor episode where they show the castaways clips from back home and turn them into emotional basket cases. Ryan teases the music for next week; it’s going to be the music of Kenny G! Ok, it’s really going to be America standards from the recent Rod Stewart collection. As Ryan goes through the contestants picking out the bottom three we get more videos from back home! Taylor is first to hear the news, but first there is a video with two of his band mates. They say that Taylor is the driving force for their band and they love him like family. We meet Taylor’s fish, Lamont and Ray and also learn that they think Taylor is super smart. Is Taylor really that smart, or are they just that dumb? Judging from the video I’m guessing it’s a little of both. Taylor says he had fun missing the mic stand, and he’ll have fun missing back home for another week since he is safe! Next up is a video of Kat’s parents and her crying father; he cries whenever he hears her sing. Maybe he is tearing up because his daughter is over 20 years old and still can’t dress herself, speaking of that, they show a clip of Kat when she was a little kid; sadly, she was more fashionable in her prepubescent days. Seeing your father cry will make anyone tear up, especially Kat. Ryan gives her a handkerchief and she regains her composure. She is safe too! Kellie is so happy to hear the news she pushes Chris out of the way so she can hug her girl Kat. Chris’s brother starts off his video and says that they always knew Chris wouldn’t work in the town lumber mill per the family norm; no Chris had bigger things planned. By bigger things Chris’s brother meant working as a service manager at a car place I guess, since this Idol thing only came about in the last few months. His dad says he always wanted to do the music thing and his mom says he is a good role model for young people. I guess this means she wants young men to wear eyeliner and stare unblinkingly into the camera with enough ferocity to frighten a wolverine. Chris is a man so he stops himself from crying and listens to Ryan read back the judges comments from the night before. When Ryan reads back the Paula comment declaring Chris better than Queen you can see Chris raise his eyebrows in the universal ‘what are you talking about’ expression. Ryan doesn’t even try to create suspense and tells Chris he is safe. Kellie doesn’t hug him though; only her roommate gets that kinda persona attention. Gee do you get the feeling the entire back row might be safe this week?

Kellie, now holding the community snot rag, is next. We check in with her grandfather and her little brother back in whatever southern town she lives. Apparently they both walk around town wearing Kellie Pickler shirts. I’d love to see them spend day walking around Harlem with those shirts just to see what happens. Kellie is wearing her waterproof mascara again so her tears of joy don’t ruin her makeup. She is wearing less makeup than last night, when Simon said she looked like something form “The Night of the Living Dead.” She actually growls when Ryan reads the quote to her, but she has nothing else to growl about tonight because Ryan tells her she is safe. There is a collective ‘uh oh’ from the bottom row since all but one of them are going to be in trouble! Kellie doesn’t need Ryan’s handkerchief (snot rag) anymore so she walks over to Ryan’s podium and leaves it on the results card. Ryan steps back and exclaims, “America we have a problem.” He is not sure how to get past the snot rag and read the results. He quickly throws it onto Elliot’s lap and says, “Here you go Elliot.” Ryan’s improvisational skills are what set him apart from all the other reality show hosts. Like him or hate him, he really is good at what he does.

Elliot, the only guy who cries more than the girls is next. His mom tells us all the difficulties Elliot went through as a child; he is allergic to everything. Everything except a great singing voice baby! She says they discovered his diabetes when he decided he wanted to chill out at home instead of hanging out with his friends. His mom was shocked he didn’t want to “listen to fireworks.” Huh? Is he blind? Did Elliot and his friends really go out and listen to fireworks, or did his mom accidentally say listen instead of watch. Other things Elliot likes to listen to: dancing, paintings, and mimes. The puns continue as his mom says “he was a sick little puppy” right when they show a picture of Elliot playing with a dog. Sadly, Elliot is now an endangered little puppy once Ryan tells him he is in the bottom three. Randy says Elliot should not be in the bottom three, only a confused America could produce such a result because “this boy can sing dude.” That’s odd, normally they don’t talk to the judges until all three bottom dwellers are named, that means Ryan has something tricky planned. Suddenly, he turns to Elliot and asks him if he is ready to sing. Elliot says, “really?” Ryan says, “that’s what we do on American Idol, uncomfortable moments, we make them sing.” Elliot has no idea what’s going on; this must be what W. feels like during a cabinet meeting. Paula fills the role of Dick Cheney and barks out orders screaming “sing, sing, sing, sing” from the judge’s table. Ryan tells Elliot to follow the band as he hands him a mic, and Elliot quizzically looks around in pure befuddlement. He is not the only one not sure what to do, as the mic is barely turned on when he starts to sing. After about 5 seconds, someone in the control booth realizes this and cranks up the volume. If they had this technology why didn’t they use it on Kevin when he was still on the show. If we weren’t able to hear him he might have stayed around a few more weeks. To Elliot’s credit, after a shaky start he gets into the song and sounds as good as he did the night before. Even though he is no Freddie, he does sound good on this simplified version of a classic song. Did anyone notice when he waves his hand over his head near the end of the song the ONLY person in the audience who does it with him is Paula? When Elliot is done singing Ryan asks the audience if Elliot deserves to leave the competition; the answer is a resounding “NO!” Notice this is the first time Ryan asked the audience this question. If he did it week one with say Melissa I’m guessing her family and friends would have screamed no with about 500 other people not so sure what to say.

Ace is the next candidate for the bottom three. Ryan asks him if he is comfortable and Ace in a humble moment says he has too much experience on Wednesdays to be comfortable. For his video we go back to the Rockies and learn Ace’s passions are backpacking and skiing. Interesting, two of Ace’s brothers are not nearly as hot as Ace and his other brother, the one who sits in the audience every week. One of Ace’s brothers looks like he is a little insane. Maybe he has the McPhever. Seeing his family back home turns Ace, the man with arms of justice, into an Elliot cloned cryer. When Ryan reads back the harsh criticisms from the judges Ace says “thanks guys.” He is really acting like he thinks he will be leaving this week. He has good instincts; he is in the bottom three. Paula says watching his performance back on television was a different experience, devoid of the warmth and applause in the live studio audience. She continues, “everyone had faults in their performances, but I don’t think you are in big trouble.” Umm did anyone tell Paula this is Ace’s third trip into the bottom three? He is in a whole lotta trouble! Simon says he still didn’t like the performance and Randy says he shouldn’t leave just yet – translation: he isn’t as bad as Bucky so he won’t go until next week. It’s Ace’s turn to sing now, which is difficult for him because he was caught off guard by the video. Dude you had 5 people see videos before they got to yours, you knew it was coming, suck it up and sing pretty boy. His urbanized version of “We Will Rock You” is still a little lame, but he does get a standing ovation from Paula. Only two people left on the couch now; Bucky and Paris. Bucky has an entire town supporting him and they are all very proud of him, none of them can tell what he is saying or singing, but they are proud of him nonetheless. Paris used to wanna be an OBGYN, I did too until I figured out even girls that are unattractive need medical attention. Would it be wrong as an OBGYN to charge less for hot girls? Does that violate medical ethics? If Paris didn’t make it to Hollywood after her Idol audition she was going to give up music, so I’m glad they gave her the yellow piece of paper. Paris is crying her eyes out when the videos are over and Bucky is saying something to comfort her, if you look closely I think he says, “Don’t worry I really have no talent to speak of and I am still on the show not as a reward for my excellence, but for a misguided love of country music by large parts of the American public.” Bucky is a smart man, since he is also in the bottom three. Bucky’s wife looks really sad in the audience, I don’t know if its because her husband is about to return to the auto detail shop back home, or because he misses their dog more than he misses her; both of them would be enough to depress most wives.

Bucky sings again; he is such a nice guy, just not in the same talent zip code as the remaining contestants, although Ace is in the adjoining town. Bucky is so hard to understand sometimes we could have used him and Rocky to send messages during World War II. American military commanders were terrified of the Japanese breaking our code like we broke theirs, so they used Native Americans to communicate the most sensitive messages. Native American dialect lacks rhyme or reason, which makes it almost impossible for an outsider, even a code breaking expert, to understand its meaning. If we had the Covington twins at our disposal back then we could have put Rocky on one end and Bucky on the other and had them talk to each other about upcoming missions. The Japanese never would have been able to figure out what the heck they were saying.
Elliot, Ace, and Bucky all hug each other once they stand side by side at the center of the stage. Ryan asks Simon who he thinks will be safe, and Simon says based on last night’s song performance, Ace is gone. The tension simmers until Ryan finally reveals what most of us expected, Bucky is going home! The three men all hug each other again; they look like they really are pretty good friends. Ryan says we all hate this moment and then shows Bucky his “Bad Day” soundtracked video. We get another split screen, this time of Bucky’s highlights and a close up of Bucky’s face. Remember his inability to hold the pose form earlier tonight, well he has another problem, looking into the camera. He shifts his head to the side and we lose his face, and instead get nothing but his hair filling the smaller of the split screens. The director of the show sees this, and immediately closes out the little Bucky box in the left corner. Ryan must tell Bucky to stop moving around, because after a few seconds the Bucky box is back and he looks into the camera while we watch his Idol journey. I don’t think Bucky is that good, and I should be happy to see him leave the show like I was with Kevin, but he is so gosh darn likeable I really feel bad…ok I’m over it now. I’m not sure what to think about next week’s show yet; I’ll probably figure that out Tuesday night around 7:59 ET.

Long Live Ryan, I mean Queen!

Is it Tuesday night again already? Wasn’t it just yesterday we were rewatching Bucky’s performance with subtitles so we could figure out the lyrics? Last week was country night, or as I like to call it, the worst show of the year for the visually impaired. The two previous themes went over about as well as a Duke lacrosse player visiting North Carolina Central University. Country music is dead; long live the Queen. When I first heard about the Queen theme I was shocked; I didn’t know Richard Simmons wrote music. It is funny how the musical guest spot on Idol morphed into a coveted spot. In the second season the people invited hadn’t had any success since the 1960s. Season number three welcomed Elton John and despite an occasional appearance by Barry Manilow since, the guest have all been relevant. In fact, this year Prince is vying to make an appearance. The normally standoffish Prince begging for a performance on Idol shows just how far the show has evolved. Justin Guarini where have you gone? Although no longer making music anyone cares about, the remaining members of Queen are still responsible for crafting some of America’s pop/rock standards. Queen was one of the most versatile bands of all time, able to switch back and forth from almost any musical genre. I know there is still a band called Queen, so technically I shouldn’t refer to it in the past tense. However, the band I grew up loving died the day Freddie’s amazing talents succumbed to the Aids virus.

“Can anyone match up to Freddie Mercury” are the first words out of Ryan’s mouth on Queen night. Answer – NO! Ryan is wearing another real outfit, complete with a sweater vest under his jacket. Fantasia is sitting in the first row of the crowd but apparently winning American Idol is not enough to get a shout out from Ryan. The judges are dressed pretty normal tonight; I kinda miss Randy’s love vest. We almost get an extra commercial tonight during the Queen introduction. On the way to their rehearsal, the contestants reenact the classic head-banging scene from Wayne’s World; for some odd reason Paris has her phone open while head banging. Who is she calling? Mandisa? Maybe to get an update on how many gays Mandisa converted since she got eliminated. Hopefuly she is just taking a picture. Ryan says, “With all star tributes, a hit musical, and memorable idol performances their music has lived on, now the show must go on.” Did he actually put all three of those in the same sentence with equal weight? Yes Ryan, the Freddie tribute concert featuring Elton John, David Bowie, George Michael, Seal, Axl Rose, and countless other fantastic talents is right on par with Constantine’s one minute and thirty second butchering of Bohemiam Rhapsody last season. Queen gave the contestants an exclusive concert hours before a real concert. Sadly, the crowd only doubled in size later that night when the real concert took place. Kellie walks into the camera’s view mouthing “oh my god.” Seeing Queen without Freddie is kinda like when you turn on TBS and discover a James Bond movie. You don’t know the title, but you know you have seen it before, the only question being who stars in this one, Connery or Moore? Nothing againt Moore, he is a fine actor, he just isn’t James Bond, there is only one James Bond – Timothy Dalton. Ok just kidding there, but you get the meaning. You can never replace Sean Connery just like you can never replace Freddie Mercury. Ryan says “following a valuable lesson in the ultimate school of rock the idols were ready to do justice to some killer queen.” We have our first pun of the night. First up tonight is Bucky with his rock workshop.

Bucky – Fat Bottomed Girls

Brian and Roger from Queen think Bucky rocks and has a good attitude. Bucky makes some jokes about getting the other contestants some backstage passes while he is rehearsing. Bucky isn’t Seinfeld, so everyone kinda fakes a smile, except for …Mandisa! Remember they filmed this a couple weeks ago before America sent her packing. I wondered what Mandisa would feel like around Queen. Sure Freddie is no longer alive, but can probably still feel the gayness. Do you think she would have tried to save him right there on the spot? Anyway, when the camera pans to Mandisa she literally looks possessed by demons. She shows no smile and appears to roll her eyes back inside her head. I wish I had a plasma tv just so I could freeze frame that expression. Roger and Brian say that Bucky likes to perform. When the biggest compliment they give you is that you like to perform, umm uh oh. Bucky is sans cowboy hat, but the gravel voice returns. This is a pretty good song choice for him, it’s a relatively simple song to sing with few big notes, and even fewer difficult vocal jumps. He has some pitch problems, especially on the chorus, but he doesn’t swallow half the song like last week. He maintains the same basic sound the entire song and varies little if any from the written notes. Freddie added vocal stylings to his songs that gave them more flair and substance; Bucky adds nothing, so the song is static, almost boring. Randy says it’s a cool way to start the show and feels like he is at a Bucky concert. Paula feels Bucky made it a country song, and Simon says it was a good song choice, but the song was bigger than Bucky. He goes on to say it was quite mediocre. In response to Simon’s comment, Bucky says, “Freddie Mercury ain’t nobody you wanna jump up behind (I think this might be how Freddie actually contracted HIV).” This is out first unintentional homoerotic moment of the night. Bucky is better tonight than I thought he might be, he picked a good song for his limited vocal abilities. As much as I would like to see Bucky rejoin Rocky back home, I give him credit for knowing his limitations and never wandering away from his comfort zone. Based on the performance tonight Bucky should be in the bottom three. If Bucky again avoids the bottom three, lord helps us all.

Ace – We Will Rock You

This song could also be called Ace will not rock you. Ace is wearing leather pants and tells us he is going outside his comfort zone tonight. Ace rehearses with Queen and wants to put his own spin on the song. Brian May, who wrote this song, is not very happy about funking up his song. He tells Ace he cannot do that to his own song. Hey Ace if Brian May thinks you are doing something stupid, maybe you should listen. Ace waits exactly 17 seconds until he breaks into his usual ‘I’m flying’ stance; a move actually gayer than anything Freddie Mercury ever did on stage. I correctly predicted Ace would sing this song tonight after seeing the clips of the rehearsals. I knew it was Rock you since Ace was waving his hand over his head. He likes literal choreography. If the song says scar, he points to scar. IF the song says hair he touches his hair. So when a song says waving your banner all over the place, Ace waves his imaginary banner all over the place. Ironically, Ace messes up the lyrics tonight and forgets to sing the waving line. Instead he repeats the last line of the last stanza. Not only does Ace like to rearrange the music, he likes to make up his own words. The last part of the song is different from the original, but its not a change that makes it better, or worse really, just different. So why make the change? Ace throws in some falsetto for his vagina bearing fans at the end of the song. I never really feel Ace tonight. Rock you is a song Queen wrote with the specifc intent of getting an entire stadium involved. Get them on their feet stomping and clapping and the fans will really get into the concert. Ace never really reaches that plateau tonight. Randy says it was a 5 or 6 for him, supposedly on a 10 point scale. Paula uses the word bastardize and calls Ace a little pitchy. Simon thinks Randy was generous, calling it a complete and utter mess. Randy agrees with him, and Simon points out that Ace forgot some of his words. In response Ace said “you know, I think I rocked.” The camera cuts to a sign reading “Ace is a Full House.” Can we have a rule that says no more card puns allowed with Ace; its time to fold them up the river. Ryan asks Ace if there was a bit of an uncomfortable moment there at the end, he noticed it when he watched the tape. Obviously, he was referring to the meeting with Queen when Ace announced his belief that he writes better songs than Queen. Ace thinks Ryan is talking about tonight’s performance and says something about feeling cool and wanting to feel the crowd on the right first and then the rest of the audience. Huh? Ace lacks any believability in the Queen theme. There are dozens of songs Ace could have performed that would have better showcased his meager talents. Tomorrow night the voters might rock Ace. Even if he doesn’t go home, he should be in the bottom three.

Kellie – Bohemian Rhapsody

Kellie tells us her dad used to listen to Queen. I’m sure knowing that prison inmates everywhere love them is great news for Queen. Kellie is wearing all black with a pair of boots. She looks like the evil female terminator from Terminator 4. Ryan says we love her too and calls Bohemian Rhapsody the most popular song of all time. Kellie is a little off pitch at the start of the song. She looks a lot like Lita Ford about 20 years ago. Rhapsody is the textbook example of why you do not pick a 5 min song for Idol. Brilliant songs like Rhapsody take the listener on a musical journey. When you chop the song down to fit in the 1 min 30 second time frame you kill the song, and any emotion it might evoke. When Kellie reaches the fast part of the song she calmly walks off the stage and vamps for Simon. She then falls to her knees and thrust her pelvis at the camera while she is behind the judge’s panel. Well that is gonna get her a couple million additional votes. She returns to the stage for the finale, but wait there is no gong? How can you do this song and not end it with a gong? Shame on you American Idol. Kellie doesn’t ‘feel’ this song. She should have been running around during the rocking conclusion. Instead she pranced around like she was in a beauty pageant. Her vocals are not good tonight; its way below her capabilities. Randy says he thinks she worked it out and Paula says it was truly ambitious. Simon calls her very brave and says it looked like the night of the living dead. He says ‘on paper’ it should have been completely hideous, to which Kellie responds “on paper?” Geez, is she really that stupid? Wow. She says she has a hard time understanding Simon’s accent. No Kellie you just struggle with sentences containing more than 4 syllables. I like Kellie, I really do, but tonight is just awful. She should have selected an easier song. However, America is dumb. Don’t believe me? Check out the last presidential election. Therefore, Kellie will avoid the bottom three and be safe yet again.

Chris - Innuendo

He didn’t know they had never performed the song live. Brian says Chris is great and that his daughter loves him. Chris picked a song from 1991. Chris assumes his starting position: tilt head to the right and stare into the camera with as much intensity as possible. I think I got sick of this performance style back in the Hollywood auditions. I’m not sure what look he is going for with the growing beard and wallet chain. There is actually a really pretty middle section to the original version of this song; Chris of course excised that part. The crazy lighting effects do their best to cover up the boring nature of this performance. It feels like Chris is repeating the same thing over and over again. He always sounds good when he sings, but he picked the wrong song. And dude, blink! Seriously, I didn’t see him blink one time during the entire song. If I ever need someone to stare at two light bulbs and tell me which one lasts longer, Chris is my guy. Hey in the audience, look it’s the ‘big girl’ from the practice. She must have a new show about to bomb on Fox. Randy acts like he is going to blast Chris, but then goes into praise mode. Paula says: “Chris the reason you…the bands probably never performed it live is because they probably don’t want to and only you probably could and there have been more times that you have superceded even when the band performs that’s why you should look back at the package and watch how they are in admiration at your performance.” For fun just say that quote out loud over and over again and you too can pretend to be Paula. Um no Paula, Queen released the song in 1991 and Freddie died in 1991, that’s why the song was never performed in Concert. Simon points out that the song is not a very good song, but he is disappointed. Simon wishes Chris picked one of the great Queen songs so he could have created a ‘moment.’ Chris does what he does well, but I’m sick of hearing him sing one long never-ending song. He is probably safe again since America loves bald slightly bearded chain wearing rockers with a heart of gold.

Kat - Who wants to live forever

Originally she was going to sing a fast paced song, but once Mandisa left and who wants to live forever became available she switched her song. Ryan is in the audience holding Kat’s mom’s hand. Her mom is a vocal coach; maybe she can spend some time with Bucky. Wow the lighting people are finally making someone besides Chris look cool. Kat is totally backlit with copious amounts of smoke billowing past the floodlights. She has some pitch problems on the higher notes; the entire song I feel like at any moment she could completely lose it and turn into Bucky. However, she works it out. Crap, I’m starting to sound like Randy. This is not her best vocal, but for such a big song she sang it pretty well. Other than Paris I don’t think any of the remaining contestants could have performed this song. Randy says it was a little big for her in spots, but a good job all in all. Paula loves when an artist changes her mind and thinks Kat handled it well. Simon says it was almost the ‘moment’ he keeps trying to find. He also says it was one of the best of the night, and he is correct. Considering the inept performances in preceding her, this might be the best performance of the night so far. Based solely on tonight’s show, she should be safe. As a former member of the bottom two its quite possible she returns, however, I am pretty confident she will stay on the show for at least another week.

Elliot – Somebody to Love

We learn Elliot used to work as a radio DJ before he became an Idol contestant. He manned the overnights on a local radio station (his name was E Double), yet he had never heard "Somebody To Love?" How can you be over the age of 20 and never hear this song. Roger says this is one of the hardest songs in the Queen catalogue to sing. Elliot starts the song and returns to the semi bouncing form of a couple weeks ago. The arrangers did a pretty good job of cutting the song down without making it sound horrible. However, throughout the entire song I feel like its just a little too big for Elliot’s voice. I really like Elliot’s voice, but this song is big and has a lot of huge notes that Elliot just skips; including any and all parts featuring the falsetto. I’ve heard this song performed by two people, both great vocalists: Freddie Mercury and George Michael. Of course it’s not fair to compare Elliot to them, but since when is life fair? This is one of my all time favorite songs so I’m holding Elliot to a high threshold. If I had never heard this song I would have given him very high marks, but knowing what I know about the song, I can’t get behind Elliot as forcefully as in past weeks. Particularly troubling for me is Elliot’s over enunciation of some of the words. Randy says there were some pitch problems but he loves Elliot. Paula thinks it’s the best vocals of the night and Simon says Elliot picked the tough one, but overall he thinks he probably pulled it off. I am not sure how the people at home will receive Eliot this week. Its quite possible he returns to the bottom three this week since there are only two really bad performers left. If he does end up next to Ryan center stage, he should be the first one back to the couch.

Taylor – Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Taylor asks the producers if he can sing yet another John Denver song since things went so well last week. Actually he picked we are the champions when he rehearsed with Queen prompted Brian and Roger to say he has a nice instrument of a voice. However, Taylor knows what the people at home want – crazy Taylor. He decides to change his song to a fast paced number so he can run around the stage like an idiot. Couldn’t you see Taylor in one of those used cars commercial airing in the middle of the night with him running around the lot showing off the cars screaming about his desire to ‘SAVE YOU MONEY.” If this whole idol thing doesn’t work out I think I just discovered his next career move. He walks into the rehearsal room and tells the piano guy that he is changing his song, to which the guy says ‘you are kidding.’ Does the guy playing his music really not know until Taylor walks in? I am thinking that scene is a bit scripted. Unless the guy knows all the Queen songs by heart he needs to get the music prior to the rehearsal. Taylor starts off and immediacy changes around the feel of the song; he is not doing a copy of the original album version. He takes of the microphone and then Carrie style tries to kick over the mic stand. He misses the stand – Strike one; Taylor is obviously not on steroids. He goes up and down the stairs and runs around behind the judges. Surprisingly throughout the song his vocals never suffer from the movement. He sounds great the entire time; I hear no pitch issues. Best performance of the night, and the only one that I am not thinking “I would much rather be watching a Queen concert DVD right now instead.” Randy says he missed Taylor the last two weeks, but he’s back tonight. Paula says they have heard the song so many times, but she is not sure if Taylor needs a record deal or a straight jacket. Simon asks Taylor if he is drunk. You can’t really blame him since he works next to an alcoholic; he probably assumes everyone in America is drunk. Maybe we can get Chris drunk next week. If he can keep up them crazy eyes he has even while drunk I’m going to suggest they lock him up before he kills again. If Taylor goes home this week I’m moving to Guam.

Paris – Show must go on

Roger and Brian think Paris was really good, and liked everything about her, she was fantastic. Wow she changes her look again this week. Now its some kinda Tina Turner looking black leather combination. This is another song too old for her. I really don’t think she has any idea what this song is about or what type of passion she should bring to the vocals. She is laughing saying ‘come on’ in the middle of the song; it just doesn’t fit. Her vocals are pretty good, but this song is too big for her peppy personality. It’s the second week in a row she selected a big soaring song instead of one of the fun numbers she does so well. She does a good job tonight, probably one of the better performances, but it didn’t quite work for my tastes; it certainly pales in comparison to the original and the Elton version recorded at the Freddie tribute concert. Randy thought she was a little rough in the middle, but worked it out. Paula says the whole country is finding out she is the powerhouse she is; Paula is a little less than coherent tonight. Simon says the whole thing was a little weird. Next week paris really needs to find a happy song intended for a 20 something year old female and get away from the belt it out songs. She is a bottom three veteran, so a return there is always possible, but I don’t think she will be eliminated.

Final thoughts –
Figuring out the bottom three and the eventual departing guest is getting harder every week. Thankfully we still have Bucky and Ace singing; that duo should provide the bottom two tomorrow night. The next question is who joins them? Taylor, Chris, and Kellie have some obsessed fans, so they should all be safe, leaving Kat, Paris, and Elliot. Elliot almost went home last week, so his fans should burn up the phone lines this week and save their favorite former DJ. Random side note: when they play back clips from the contestants at the end of the show Chris always sounds better than he did while singing the entire song. I suppose this makes sense. Chris has a nice voice with a good tone, but he sounds the same the entire time and never really changes it up, making a two minute song a boring repetition of the same long note. In short doses its great, but not over an entire song, let alone an entire album. Choosing between Paris and Kat is difficult; Paris was also in the bottom three last week and Kat was the last girl standing a few weeks ago. It’s a total guess but I’ll say Paris ends up back in the bottom three. The big question is which one of his crazy methods will Ryan use to eliminate the contestants this week. No matter who goes home, I think I speak for everyone when I say its about time we had another goofy group number!