Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Sky is falling...but in a good way!

Its Wednesday night, which means a new episode of BONES! But seriously, its time for the results show. Since Fox feels the need to put it flush up against Lost there is no doubt a lot of TIVOing and taping are going on in America, and oddly enough Pakistan. Ryan enters the stage wearing a Regis inspired dark on dark suit tie combination. I wonder if its his choice to try and look like an adult this season or if the network executives are trying to make the show look more refined. This is the second results show since we had our top 12 finalists and STILL no group numbers. It defies belief, but I miss the overly simplistic high school talent show themed production numbers. Maybe when they get down to the top 10 they will resume the goofy things. Ryan tells us there were over 35 million votes this week and nary a hanging chad. Paula and Randy both wear read, obviously coordinating before the show; Simon changed things up and wore a suit and tie with a fedora, ok actually it was a white short sleeve shirt again. The “legendary” Barry Manilow is performing tonight, which makes me wonder if he really a legend? A little hyperbole anyone? During the recap of the previous show the producers, as they often do, changed up the apparent order of the contestants. Ryan says that Kevin and Lisa were not the greatest, especially Lisa, but things got back on track when Kat, Paris, and Mandisa hit the stage. Except all of them went prior to Lisa singing! The final clip showed Ace hitting his falsetto big finish igniting a “love fest.” Out of context, the 5 seconds of Ace in falsetto sound horrible; putting dogs into heat is the only love fest Ace ignited with that note.

I have a suggestion for President Bush in his days of turmoil and incompetence; the latter an apt description for his entire life. Next time he holds a press conference and takes question from the Washington press corp, which should be sometime in late 2008, he should say I have an exit strategy for Iraq that will actually work. The press corp will be enraptured with excitement at this revelation, until W. says “and I’ll tell you it…after the break.” Then he walks away from the podium and waits a couple mins before he comes back to the microphone and shares the plan. I’m telling you, the country would eat this up, they can even run commercials for Fox News during the break to help defray the war costs.

Tonight’s corny as can be commercial for Ford products features all the contestants at the beach. I cover my eyes worried Mandisa might be in a string bikini or that Ace is in a speedo. Everyone is fully clothed and Mandisa spreads a large blanket out on the sand. I think it’s a blanket, its quite possible it’s just one of her shirts. This is one of the best commercials of all time with some fancy stop frame editing. Lisa showed more personality in her 4 seconds of screen time than she has in all her performance combined this season. Kevin is wearing a shirt with “Love Machine” prominently displayed; we have our first creepy moment of the night. When the commercial is over Ryan says what we all know, that American idol has “transformed that boy’s life.”

Barry Manilow appears on stage and we learn that he flew out on his own dime to work with the kids on Monday morning. You have to give Barry a lot of credit. This also shows why we will never have a Mariah Carey night, since she not only wouldn’t give the kids extra time she would probably forget about her commitment all together and never help the contestants. I would like a Whitney and Bobby night. My guess is that Bobby would go a little nuts at one point and beat down on one of the contestants. Please Fox, set this up, it will garner super bowl ratings. The camera pans around the mildy amused audience as Barry sings and we see oustered contestant Bobby having an out of body experience swaying back and forth consumed by Manlylow. Kevin, not nearly as enthralled is talking to Kat who gives him a ‘dude shut up the guy is singing right now look’ before the camera cuts away. I wasn’t quite as moved as Bobby, in fact the entire time I was trying to remember which floor I had pressed. Paula was also feeling the vibes and dancing in her chair. Simon appeared to lean over and remind her this is Barry Manilow – stop dancing. When Barry is finished, Bobby has made his way ont the stage and runs over to hug his idol. Barry, who is an avid Idol watcher says “Hi Bobby.” Barry knowing Bobby’s name is actually kinda cool for some reason. Bobby invites himself to one of Barry’s Vegas shows and the contestants spend more time welcoming back Bobby than thanking Barry. I feel bad for Bobby that he didn’t survive long enough to work with Barry. My only hope is Chris survives long enough for “LIVE” night.

After another break its time to destroy someone. I scan the top row and none of my expected bottom three reside there, which means either the entire row is safe, or another upset is on the way. Ace and Mandisa are safe, which leads to Elliot. Ryan pauses just enough before telling Elliot he is safe that we are all a little paniced. Ryan rhetoricaly asks America if we “picked Pickler” and Kellie asks “what’s a ballsy.” She is safe again and the camera pans to her family and friends. I know her dad is in a Florida prison for refusing to reveal his sources in the CIA leak investigation, but can’t they get him out to Hollywood just once. Wouldn’t that be great if there was a shackled guy covered in tattoos wearing an orange jumpsuit sitting in the front row trying to clap for his daughter? Chris upon learning he is safe gives a Taylor copied “woooo,” can he do anything original? Paris is the last person in the top row and she is also safe. Uh oh, on the bottom row Kat and Taylor bracket the three losers, could one of them slip into the bottom three? Whew, Kat and Taylor are both safe, but for the first time yet Taylor looked scared. He knows he could have picked a better song the night before and fears the soul patrol didn’t show up on the phone lines. Kevin, Lisa and Bucky join Ryan center stage. The expressions of the contestants explain why Lisa joins the others in the bottom three. Although vocally she is pretty good, her vapid fake expressions seem to alienate voters, and tonight is no exception. Kevin and Bucky have a “I really hate my life back home please don’t send me back yet, please” expression, but Lisa flashes the biggest fake smile since Al Gore gave his acquiescence speech. Ryan tells Lisa she is again in the bottom three, and she thinks she is going home, but then he tells her she is safe. In a rare I do have emotions moment she gives us a real smile and heads back to the couch where Kat wraps her in a hug. Paula tells the Bucky and Kevin even if you don’t’ win you can still have a great career, that American idol changes the blue print of your life! For Kevin that means he will be a roadie on Chris’s tour trying to trade sexual favors with the fans for a chance to meet Chris. I can’t wait for his Behind the Music special on Vh1 where we’ll learn about his upcoming cocaine addiction. Bucky is safe and the little chicken is going back to high school. Gracious and semi incoherent in his defeat, Kevin told America “be smart pick one of these amazing people” as your next American Idol. Thanks Kevin, I was going to pick a write in candidate until you told me otherwise.
The only person I feel worse for than Kevin tonight is Ryan, who has to plug yet another really crappy show after Idol. He even begs us to watch the first 10 mins when something amazing will happen. Sorry Ryan I have to watch some paint dry in my dryer while I wash my hair. The only question left tonight – will Kevin put his hand in his pocket again tonight while he sings – he does! Just like Melissa, we don’t get to see all of Kevin’s song; thank you for sparing my birds idol producers. Next week is supposedly a pretty open selection of current songs. Ok then, no excuses for singing out of your genre. In a “where did that come from moment” Chris is going to sing “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” If he does, I’ll vote for him a thousand times.


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