Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Idol Contestants gather just to hear Chris ROCK OUT

The stage doors open to reveal Ryan continuing his Dick Clark impersonation this season, looking dapper in another grown up suit. Do you think Kevin is watching Idol on TV tonight in his bedroom continually glancing at the posters of Ace he now has all over his walls. With such a wide range of songs to select tonight the contestants will either hang themselves with their poor song choice, or hit a steroid free home run.

Lisa – Because of You

We all know that the first spot on American idol is a death wish, if you put the Beatles first on Idol there is a good chance they would end up in the bottom three. Remember most of the people voting are teenagers who have the attention span of about 10 mins, so its hard for them to go all the way back in time to 8 PM when the show began. Since Lisa has been in the bottom three the last two weeks, you would think the producers might give her a prime spot near the end of the show…nope, they put her on first, which means they just can wait for her to be King. Notice the relevance of the last person to perform each week. Week 1 was Chris, who Simon has publicly declared his favorite to win. Week 2 was heartthrob Ace who surprisingly ended up in the bottom 3 the first week. Back to Lisa; she picked an interesting song – hey Kelly Clarkson is about the biggest female pop star right now and everyone in the world has heard this song on their radio, so I’m gonna copy it! Taking a current hit song that is STILL on the radio and trying to make it your own is really dangerous. It’s like doing a remake of Lord of the Rings a year after it won the best picture Oscar, except instead of Viggo Mortensen its starring David Hasselhoff. For the first time this season Lisa is singing a really sad song, so she cannot use her standard fake smile. Instead, she tries to emote pain through her face, but it does not work, instead of looking soulful and filled with pain, she looks like she needs a heavy dose of diuretics. The arrangement of the song is horrible, it’s a slow building song that takes time to develop, a format an hour long episode of Idol prevents. SO instead of having a song that slowly builds to its climax, it has one verse and then BAM Lisa is singing really big, which makes no sense. The song is too big for her and the end of the song is really bad; the last two verses of lyrics were really off pitch. Let me get this right. The producers of Idol got in a big fight with Clarkson so they could use her songs on the song, she finally let them, and this is the best we can do with those rights? Randy says it was alright for him, only an ok version, Paula coherently says that if you take such a popular song you need to change it around so there are no comparisons whatsoever, and Simon says it was actually painful. Ryan returns to the stage and harps on the painful statement saying it wasn’t really painful. Maybe it wasn’t, but watching poor Lisa stand there with her surgically installed fake smile while Ryan and Simon argue over the level of pain induced by her song sure came close. Ryan tells Lisa ‘no guts no glory.” There is another statement Lisa needs to learn after tonight, it is “no talent no votes.” She should be in the boardroom again tomorrow night and could easily be fired by Mr. Trump.

I wonder how many Christians turned their TV in horror during the commercial when FOX ran a commercial for the Da Vinci Code.

Kellie – Suds in the Bucket

Kellie had all the promise in the world a few weeks ago, but since the stylists got their effeminate hands on her she is like a leaking tire slowing losing air, but at least she can do country again! She is singing what might be the stupidest song of the last 6 years, and I’m including the Pea’s Lump song in that calculus. She sings the song well, hits most of the notes, but halfway through the song I’m bored and remember why I normally do not listen to country music. I’m not saying that listening to country music is a reflection of your intelligence, but if I ever need Nero surgery I don’t wanna her my doctor humming “Suds in the Bucket” before he cuts me open. Her lack of vocal training is evident near the end of the song when she holds out the note she quickly loses her pitch. Her biggest assets is her big voice, which makes this totally the wrong song for her, it is way too small for her pipes. She does do a random leg lift at one point when she is singing along with winking to the camera when she says the word “eye.” Randy starts his comments by groaning; anytime he starts with noises instead of words it means he didn’t like the song. Paula says Kellie is better than her song, and Simon calls her out for picking such an awful song. Kellie says, “I’m sorry” over and over again for her bad selection, contrast that to some contestants who proclaim their greatness when even their own mother would tell them they sucked. Ryan apparently knowing that Kellie put half of America to sleep reminds us that she has a “huge fan base.” Why doesn’t he say something like that to Lisa, oh yeah, because she doesn’t have one! Kellie was only ok this week, and since someone has to be in the bottom three with Bucky and Lisa, Kellie should be a little worried.

Ace – Drops of Jupiter

Whenever I hear a Train song I can’t stop thinking how Dylan Mcdermont needs to play the lead singer if Vh1 ever makes a movie about the band. Ace says he is giving us more of a rock edge this week – Ace, this is not rock. Ace’s voice is little and even though this song should fit him well, he sounds very blah. Its not that he hits bad notes or is off pitch, there is just something missing from the vocals. He is missing the voice vibrancy of the original version. At least he had top-notch choreography. When the lyric said “hair” Ace touched his hair. When he said “scar” he displayed the scar on his chest. Thankfully Train didn’t use the word penis in their song or we would have had another Janet Jackson moment. Other than his brief point to parts of his body Ace does his normal stand still with both legs touching while he rubs his stomach. His jeans have a pocket on the front leg. Is it essential to have extra pockets while performing for America? Were the normal 4 pockets that most jeans have simply not enough for Ace? I guess you need an extra pocket when you are always carrying around a beanie. Randy thought it was another bad song choice, and Paula says it was refreshing after the last two performances. Huh? Paula just accidentally gave Lisa and Kellie a negative comment, nice job Paula. She wants to know how Ace got his scar. He tells her it was from a knife fight with the Britnum twins. I was kinda hoping somehow he got it in a bar fight with Eric Estrada, wouldn’t that make a great story? Simon tells him it was too karaoke; did Simon spend copious amounts of time in karaoke bars as a child? Ace tells Ryan he was scarred while playing basketball. Someone from the crowd threw beer onto his teammate and he ran into the Palace seating throwing haymakers when Ben Wallace’s brother beat him down. Ok, that didn’t happen, but if Ace was on the Pacers last year it could have! When Ace tells Ryan he hurt himself playing basketball he then had to explain to Ryan what this basketball thing was, since Ryan has never actually seen or played a sport before, unless highlighting your hair is considered a sport. Ace had all the potential in the word at the start of the idol season but slowly, as a friend of mine said, he is morphing into Constantine. Ace could be in the bottom three again this week.

Cingular has ring tones form idol contestants available now, so that means I can have Kevin sing every time my phone rings. What a great idea, if that guy is singing and I can stop the noise by answering my phone I’ll never miss a call again.

Taylor – Trouble

Ryan shows off a 10 year old in the audience who has dyed his hair gray as a tribute to Taylor, which is cute and all, but if they start showing little kids that are “fans” of Chris next week that’s just wrong. Taylor explains Soul Patrol; he is the soul patrol man! Hey George Huff is in the audience tonight! I love that guy. Taylor is singing a song I’ve never heard before from an artist I didn’t know existed. My first thought, is this the best song you could pick? Who cares if this is an unknown song, he is fantastic. He consistently has the best voice on the show and is embedding a song in my head deeper than any since that pimp song at the Oscars; I know I’m going to be humming Trouble all day tomorrow. He even puts his hand up to his ear at one point like he is in the We Are the World video. Hey if Dan Akroyd can be in there, why not Taylor. The song gives Taylor a chance to show off his voice far more than the Buddy Holly number last week. Even though the show is only half over I’m confident there won’t be anyone better than Taylor tonight. Randy wanted him to show off his voice more. Dude, does he have to sing the theme to Titanic or something? Paula likes that he didn’t dance around and just sang the song. Simon said the vocals were excellent but the style of clothing reminded him of Clay. Did he just call Taylor gay? He then clarifies himself, saying that Taylor looks like he went to pop school. I understand what Simon is trying to say. Clay was a dorky kid with glasses and a horrible hair cut when he first sang for the idol judges. When the show finished he lost his individuality and could have blended into a boy band. Simon wants Taylor to stay unique and not become ‘just like everyone else.’ I am glad Simon made the Clay remark; Ryan parlayed in into his best Simon insult of the season, and even worked Kelly Clarkson into the crack. Taylor will not be in the bottom three.

Mandisa – Wanna Praise You

Mandisa loves Jesus. In case you forgot that, she reminds us again this week. She says this song is a testimony that nothing is too big for God, except maybe an effective weight lose program. She normally has trouble singing softly in a low voice and tonight is no exception. The song is a muddled mess with her alternating between thin low notes and shrill screamed big notes. The song talks about shackles removed from her legs; now with those shackles off she can finally hit the treadmill. Praise songs are ok if you have a gospel choir and you are there to worship Jesus. The songs are not that good, but its ok since you love Jesus. But why do you select this song? Out of all the songs in the last 6 years this is the best? Suds in the bucket is better than this song. I am not sure if she hits a single pretty note in the song. I’m not sure how I feel about her doing a praise song on the show; this could be pandering to the religious right. They elected W., now maybe they will forget the whole making an 11-year-old impregnated by her abusive father go to term and speed dial votes for Mandisa! Randy is still confused by the songs tonight and Paula says 40 million people just joined the church of Mandisa. I wonder if pedophile priests abuse little kids in that church. Simon thought the song was indulgent and didn’t get it. Of course not, he is British, they aren’t religious! Mandisa could be in the bottom three just like everyone else.

There is a new Hanes commercial with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan. Raise your hand if when you saw Footloose and Jordan as a rookie (both in ’84) you thought hey these two guys are going to be in underwear commercials 22 years from now.

Chris – Anything that sounds like a Rock Song

Ryan tries his best to save Chris’s image by saying that he covered LIVE’s version of Walk the Line last week and that its his favorite band. Chris is doing a song from Creed tonight, a band that was pretty good when they were called Pearl Jam. The song is called “What if,” a song wondering what would happen if Chris sang a non-rock song. Chris is losing credibility every week; if you like Creed, I’m sorry you aren’t a rocker, dude its Creed. Maybe if Chris is lucky he can end up in a Kid Rock sex video too. When Chris starts the song the director of the show has a heart attack. This must be why the camera angles are suddenly changing every two seconds. It’s like a Tony Scott movie all of a sudden. No idol, by doing some cool camera stuff it does not make this performance any cooler. The band is rocking hardcore and Chris assumes his normal serial killer stare into the camera scream as loud as I can performance. Props to the band, they really are getting better every season. Unlike other weeks, this is really not that good. The last half of the song falls apart. I cannot tell if he is off pitch since the song doesn’t really have many notes. A lot of idol fans like Chris because he is a change of pace, but you are on American Idol! You already sold your hard rock soul once you stood in line for 20 hours to get on a TV show that once featured John Stevens. Randy says Chris was sharp most of the song, and Paula who up till now was pretty normal says “I’m not trying to stutter, but what if what if what if what if I said I was one of your biggest fans.” What the…? I’m going to try this as a pick up line in a bar sometime, I’m sure its gonna work every time. Simon says Chris crossed the line tonight with this ‘rock’ thing, especially since Creed would be caught dead on this show. Actually, since their career ran into a wall, they would probably kill to do what Manilow did last week. Chris had a rough week with the LIVE scandal, and came out and rocked harder than before. If ever there was a week he needed to show his versatility it was tonight, therefore, it wouldn’t shock me if Chris found his way into the bottom three.

Kat – Voice Within

Kat if you had to do a Christina song would it have been too much to ask for you to do Dirty instead? I’m just saying you could have got a lot more votes that way. What the heck is she wearing? Oh ok, her dark jeans were lost on the dim stage and it looked like wasn’t wearing any pants. She is wearing some rather large earrings, I don’t want to call them too big, but Mr. T. thinks they are too gaudy. Kat starts off a little thin and maybe off pitch. She builds her way through the song and hits some great notes, but it feels like Stevie Scott’s whiny voice is back; we sent her home THE first chance we got for a reason. This is the first time all season I’m not thrilled with Kat. Hey look its Terry Schivao’s family in the audience; they are really pushing their new book aren’t they? Although, the last of the song she sounds pretty darn good. Maybe she was still freaked out from seeing Ace’s scar. Randy wanted her to bring something new to the song. She did kinda, it wasn’t as good, that counts right? Paula wouldn’t change a thing and loved her tonight. Simon calls it the best of the night (next to Taylor, he might be right) and almost as good as Christina’s version. Kat was good enough to be safe, but anything can happen this week.

Buckman 2000 – Some Country song

Thank goodness, more country music! This song is not too bad, the original is done by Tim McGraw, one of the few country acts I like, but Buck doesn’t have Tim’s voice, or his wife (they just showed Bucky’s in the audience). Bucky is having the same trouble he has every time a song calls for him to sing a little low, his voice disappear into a diction less mess. Randy says he is glad Bucky is singing country again and Paula sounds smart when she uses the word diction. Simon agrees with Paula and says he would leave the concert if he could right now. Bucky was not any better or worse tonight than he has been all year, but it might not be enough to save him this week, and he should be in the bottom three.

Paris – Work it out

Paris is doing her best Beyonce impersonation tonight. I am consistently impressed by Paris’s ability to change every week – she is like a chameleon. . She seems to be able to sing everything and anything and sell it when she does, but I’m not sure if I buy her on this song. She also managed to find earrings almost as big as Kat’s. Her vocals are fantastic tonight and unlike Lisa, she has some great facial expressions. Much like Fever last week, Paris sings a song way too old for her, but sounds great in the process. How cool would it have been if Chris sang this song instead? Randy says it’s the bomb, which the NSA heard and now is wiretapping all of Randy’s calls. Paula tells Paris she could join the Pussy Cat Dolls. Umm Paula, the entire idea of the dolls it that they can’t sing all that well but are willing to dance around like hookers to sell records. Nice suggestion Paula. Simon thought it was a bit precocious, and he was right. Paris was really good tonight and she did justice to a song that was pretty popular a couple years ago. She should be nice and safe this week.

Elliot – I Don’t wanna be

He is taking a chance here singing a recently popular song that was also sung last year by Bo. Did anyone notice one of the violin players behind Elliot was really hot? Am I the only one that doesn’t expect hot violin players? Right away you can hear the song is different than the cover Bo did last year or the original. Elliot’s version is more syncopated with a little funk and side order of soul. He is wearing a hoodie and bouncing around the stage like Eminem. Even though it feels a little forced, its nice to see Elliot moving around and showing some energy. Vocally he is great, with the possible exception of not nailing the falsetto note near the end, he has no real mistakes. Elliot was really good tonight, showing a different side of his abilities – pay attention Chris. Randy wasn’t there to see Elliot sing, he was under arrest for saying ‘bomb’, but Paula thought Elliot was one funky white boy. Simon thought the vocals were great, hated the arrangement and the dancing. He was at least right about the dancing. Elliot should be safe from the bottom three with that performance, but anything can happen this week, so I’m a little worried.

Final Thoughts –

What could have, nay, should have been the best show in idol history was very mild with only a few bright spots. The contestants out thought themselves and picked some bad songs, but Taylor, Paris, and Elliot did really well. Lisa and Bucky should resume their rightful place in the bottom three tonight. The third member is the real question. Except for Taylor and Chris does anyone have the fan base to prevent an accidental slippage? Mandisa, Paris, and Kellie seem to have a huge fan base, so I’ll assume they are safe. That leaves Elliot and Kat as surprising possible members of the bottom three. I think it will be one of the two, but they will quickly be sent back to the couch and Lisa will be heading home.


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