Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Pouty Poultry Preferring Poorly Performing Pickler Predictably Pickled

“Last night was all about romance, but who melted your heart and who left you cold,” Ryan asks from behind the audience as the results show begins. Again he is behind the crowd, I don’t get why they put him there, it’s so darn awkward when 500-seated people are straining to turn their head around Exorcist style. I wonder if they film the little opening before the show begins, because if they don’t Ryan has to run all the way back stage so he can make his grand entrance once the show officially begins. Once Ryan takes his rightful place at center stage he thanks the crowd for all their signs (I’m surprised more people don’t try to include FOX in the sign like you would with ESPN) and brags once again about the immense voting for the remaining contestants. American cast over 47.5 million votes last night, making it the highest non-final vote total. Of course, that does not mean 47.5 million people voted; once you break down the numbers it is clear the majority of calls (over 30 million) were placed by a group of 12 10-13 year old females in rural Ohio. He welcomes the “emotionally unstable” judging panel of Randy, Paula, and Simon. Sadly, this is not some shtick, it’s the truth; Simon and Paula are each pointing to each other as the unstable ones. Ryan calls Randy the only sane one of the bunch, which is really pathetic. Last night I thought the judges were certifiably stupid when they lambasted Kat’s perfectly good performance. Apparently a lot of people felt the same way I did, because Ryan says there were a lot of calls to Fox last night complaining about the judges. Ryan asks Simon if they were unfair last night and Simon says they were, but only to one contestant: Kat. He apologizes for the second time this season; the first time he apologized to Mandisa after calling her really fat. He said he was sorry because he didn’t give her proper respect; she prefers being called really really really really really really really fat. When Simon eats his Crow Kat’s mother stands up to applaud. Ryan commends Simon for his classiness. You wonder of course if Simon would have said anything but for the thousands of calls to Fox and the millions of web browsers reading critical comments about last night’s judging. Even Randy says he was a little harsh, but Paula claims she is never harsh. Normally this is true, but last night even she was tough on Kat. Paula says Kat knows how much she loves her, and Randy chimes in he actually loves her more, then all heck breaks loose as they debate the issue. Simon asks Ryan if he and Paula are talking again. Ryan claims they are and then immediately makes fun of Paula sarcastically saying ‘there were a few tears last night.” The video recap of the performances runs and I notice how cool it sounds when Andrea says the word ‘inspiration.’ He adds about 5 extra syllables; it’s kinda like when Arnold tries to say California. Ryan makes his best pun of the night when he says not even a song from the Bodyguard could protect Kat from the judges. Of course they filmed this before the judges all apologized. As usual, Chris gets the most love from the recap; Ryan says Chris turned the night “into one big love fest.” Next the recap shows all the judges positives comments for Chris. Ryan next appears behind the judges’ table and they all pretend to love each other, with Paula saying “after the break” for Ryan. The whole bit is forced; it reminds me of a divorced couple filled with hate pretending to love each other while they are around their kids, except in this case the kids are the American public.

The commercial break is almost over which means it is just about time for another wonderful fun filled Ford commercial. The song this week is “Call Me” and it begins with Kellie handing out posters for a missing dog, while Taylor drives around. Chris is driving the other car with Kat and Paris as passengers; or, with the look in his eyes maybe his prisoners. All the contestants go running after the dog, through a sidewalk café and into an alleyway. We see a few cut aways of people dancing. They finally catch up to the dog and it turns out the dog was running to a box filled with I guess the dog’s wife and a bunch of puppies. The running dog winks at the camera and all the contestants assume their best ‘how cute’ facial expression. What the heck is this? I’ll tell you, the WORST commercial of the season. The vocals on the song are lacking and the plot to the commercial is stupid even for Idol standards. After the commercial Ryan says we could be driving a new Ford Fusion. Is that really the best car they can give away? Couldn’t they do a packaged deal with an SUV or something? I know Ford is a little under the weather right now, but are they really that cheap?

Andrea and David walk out to thunderous applause and Andrea says it will be hard for him to sing after the contestants since they are such good singers; Andrea does not lie very well. David, the accent free Simon, says he treated the contestants like he would if they were working in a studio. Then Ryan gives Andrea a chance to plug his next appearance, which leads to the most awkward moment of the night. Andrea appears to forget where he is going next and then barely manages to say something about him coming back in June. Come on Ryan, you have a blind dude with a language barrier – do the plugging for Andrea. So sure Andrea can sing better than any contestants in the history of Idol, but why is he here tonight? Is Andrea a pop star? Um, no. Ironically, the only guest this season that is actually a current pop star was Shakira; the only one that didn’t work with any of the contestants! Once Andrea is finished showing off the contestants walk over and thank him; Kat is noticeably the most excited. Ryan says it was an effortless performance; way to go Andrea, you just made all the kids look incompetent! Hey Lisa Tucker is in the crowd tonight, welcome back Lisa. Poor Lisa Fox only brings her back so she can plug her appearance on the OC. She says she knows how intense these Wednesday nights are; she is an expert on Wednesday night peril. Ryan says he will divide the contestants into three groups. He places Kat on the far side of the stage, Elliot in the middle, and Kellie closest to the couch. Paris, adorned with some huge pearls joins Kellie (they give each other a little hug; Taylor joins Elliot (they manlove handshake; and Chris goes all the way across the stage to join Kat (they share a little emotionless handshake). Come on Chris, step up and give the hot girl a hug. Ryan says one group contains the top two, one the bottom two and one the middle two. Kat has a ‘I don’t know about this’ look on her face and Taylor is really pensive. Ryan says Elliot and Taylor are safe and tells them to have a seat; Taylor goes nuts. After his less than stellar effort last night I think for the first time in the show he was extremely afraid of going home. Taylor and Elliot hug both Paris and Kellie on their way back to the couch. They show a close up of Taylor’s family and friends, dang Taylor, you have some hot friends!

After another commercial break we return to find Elliot and Taylor blissfully sitting on the couch of safety. Ryan says one of the remaining groups is the top two, and one the bottom two. Hmm. I thought Taylor and Elliot were the top two, I guess not. They thought the same thing since they both look really confused. Kat and Chris are safe! They show a close up of Chris’s band. Since Taylor also has a band I assume they will get a chance to sit in the audience at some point. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the producers desire to constantly remind us Chris is a rocker with his OWN BAND! Like oh my god, he is so cool! Paula says Paris was really great, but Kellie also deserved to be in the top 6. Ryan asks Paris how many times she has been here before and Princess P gets off the best line of the night when she says its her first time in the bottom 2! You go girl, you just made Oprah proud. Kellie says she deserves to be in the bottom two after watching her performance last night. She is clairvoyant; after a long run Kellie is going home to Grandpa. She gives Paris and big hug and even Kat (Kellie’s a little too close friend) seems ok with Kellie’s elimination. They must have known it was going to happen tonight. Well this is interesting; they changed up the arrangement of the “Bad Day” song they always play at the end of the show. This one is an acoustic version without the same falsetto the original possess; it does not sound as good. Once we return from the flashback the microphone picks up someone saying, “Well Kellie Idol will never be the same.” I think it is Ryan talking, but it is hard to tell. Kellie says she really enjoyed being on Idol but knows her time is coming to and end since the commercial is imminent. She thanks all her fans and Elliot breaks into full on wedding day bride just found out the groom is gay worthy tears. In the middle of Kellie talking they run the credits and we can hear Kellie saying “Cut Cut.” She might not be the smartest girl in the world, heck she might be the dumbest, yet she is a pretty funny girl with a surprisingly quite wit. She is the first exiled contestant I will miss seeing each week. The show will not be as much fun without her presence.

Next week the contestants will perform two songs: one from their birth year and one currently on the charts. With such a wide selection to choose from, you get the feeling this could be one of those nights where no one picks the right song. There should also be at least one song that isn’t really from the year of their birth, but some random artist recorded a version that year that appears on some album, therefore giving them the right to sing that song. I am curious to see the order of the performances. Since the Internet world is ripe with conspiracies right now, I’m guessing Chris cannot go last in the pimp spot next Tuesday night. In fact, since there are two songs per contestant, they could even put Chris on first, show they don’t overly favor him, then give him an almost pimp moment with the penultimate spot. Taylor has yet to get the pimp spot once they hit the top 12, and boy are his fans not happy, so Taylor should close out the show. Whether he gets to sing a song he actually rehearsed, well that’s a different matter.


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