Tuesday, May 09, 2006

We'll always have Paris

Wednesday night is upon us once more and although five remain one will soon join Kellie on reject row. Ryan is behind the crowd in his normal spot, there is nothing new there, however, have you noticed that nobody holds up any signs when Ryan is behind the audience? In fact, there was a young girl right behind him holding a sign in her lap; I’m guessing the producers don’t want signs obscuring the stage in the background so they prohibit the displaying of any signs. The girl manages a slight ‘is this allowed’ wave to the camera, so maybe they tell the audience to remain motionless and stare adoringly at Ryan. Things would be a lot more fun if you could get the same idiots that stand behind Al Roker every morning to stand behind Ryan, now that’s some good television. This is Ryan’s most boring suit of the season, but hey Carmen Electra is sitting in the crowd. I guess she is totally mainstream family friendly now, despite her numerous nude appearances throughout the years. Now that Ryan is no longer behind them everyone is holding up signs, one reads: Ryan Please Come to My House for Thanksgiving Dinner.” Wow that’s pretty random isn’t it? Not only is it half a year away, why Thanksgiving? Why not New Years Eve? Or maybe the 4th of July? Is Ryan a huge turkey fan? I wonder about these things. Ryan asks if people are excited tonight. That’s like asking the people at a George W. Bush town hall take questions from the crowd if they are all republicans. 45.5 million people voted last night. That is actually really impressive when you consider there are only 5 contestants left. That means one person is probably generating 10 million votes. After Ryan introduces the judges, Randy boos Simon in tonight’s stupidest moment of the night. Ryan greets the remaining contestants with, “Hey boys and girls” and then turns into Mike Wallace so he can asks some tough questions. He asks Chris how he is holding up, he says good. Taylor is asked how the competition has changed and he says everyone is talented, but you want to be the last one standing. Ryan asks him if he wants to be the last one, and Taylor sly says, “We all want to be the last one.” Mike asks Kat what was the most challenging thing about last night, and smartly she says it was her first song choice. “It’s a different ballgame,” she says; with only 5 people left she is really feeling the pressure now. Paris says she is always hyper and is happy to perform on the same stage as her fellow contestants. Ryan asks Elliot if he can see himself sweating it out in the finals, and Elliot creates the first really awkward moment of the night when he says he sees himself on the stage at the Kodak Theater in a pool of his own sweat. Just let that scene set into your mind for a moment, pretty sick huh? But now it’s time for them to sing a group number! As the contestants pile off the couch Elliot pretends to jump into Ryan and Ryan and him act as they though are about to fight, and Kat goes off the left side of the screen, but then comes running back to the right. Maybe next time Kat will pay attention during rehearsals! They are singing “Together We Are One.” Chris starts off the song with a little solo and sounds really good; this is his best falsetto moment of the season. Taylor comes out next in a horrible wrinkled shirt. Do they not let these kids use an iron? Kat is next out…wait a minute, is this some subliminal preview of the final three? Finally, Elliot and Paris come out on stage. The three other finalist got solos, so I’m betting at some point E and P get a feature. With all five on stage, the camera spends the most time on Kat. Can you really blame the Idol people? The camera loves Kat; it doesn’t exactly love Elliot, it’s more like an in law situation. Elliot gets his solos and throws in a ton of vibrato. This might be a record for most vibrato in the shortest amount of time. Paris gets her solo next; maybe the solos follow the order of last night’s voting results. She seems to struggle on her big notes, but it’s almost hard to hear her over the 30 or so backup singers flanking the contestants on the stage. All the backups are in black long sleeve shirts, except for one dude. There is a tank top clad ripped with muscles singer swaying back and forth near the back of the stage. He looks like Tony Soprano’s bodyguard. Who is this guy? Why didn’t he get to have sleeves? He really looks out of place; I wish Ryan would interview him about his lack of clothing. Maybe he has a workout planned directly after the show. The group number tonight is pretty good, but it’s not quite cheesy enough for my tastes. They didn’t even have the hold the pose moment. You know the one Bucky continually screwed up. I see how it is, he leaves the show and then you take out the element he couldn’t’ nail. It’s like figure skating outlawing jumps once Sasha Cohen retires. I always thought the rule was you need to hold your pose until Idol goes to commercial, but not tonight. Instead they all start hugging as soon as they are done singing. Hey Melissa Gilbert is in the audience tonight. Shouldn’t she be somewhere filming a movie of the week?

During the commercial break they play a Ford commercial featuring Kelly Clarkson’s vocals. That’s coming full circle right? You go through season one of idol making crappy Ford commercials, win Idol, and that earns you the right to make classier Ford commercials. Remember when it was ‘uncool’ to do commercials as a musical artist? Now everyone from U2 to Jessica Simpson does commercials. I think Kenny G. should start doing commercials for sleeping pills. Justin Guirani is selling things too; he mans cash register number 5 in the Boise Idaho Superwalmart: employee of the month 4 times last year. Speaking of Ford commercials, it’s time for this week’s commercial. Set to “Hollywood Swinging,” Chris drives his fellow contestants down Weird Street. A dog goes flying by on a skateboard. The fact the dog pedals himself along with one foot is pretty darn cool. Also on the street is a team of acrobats doing some freaky things. Poor Elliot, he is in the middle of the backseat. That position is always reserved for either the not so cool guy, or the smallest guy; in this case, he is the littlest one left. A few biker guys pedal by on tricycles. Once the car, a Ford, stops, magic flashes engulf the car. Our normal looking contestants emerge from the car completely changed. Chris has a top hat on with chains, a sleeveless vest, and a walking cane. Elliot is punk personified with red hair, a sports uniform of some kind, more bling than Mr. T, and he is bouncing a soccer ball. Kat looks like a hooker with no fashion sense in a tight fitting dress with glammed out hair. Taylor might be a Raiders fan on his way to the black hole, but he looks more like a gay football player with his blonde highlighted hair, football pads, and more Tammy Faye styled makeup. Paris is a cross between a lion and Tina Turner in a tight fighting brownish colored outfit. As soon as we return to the couch all the contestants break into laughter; they obviously had a ton of fun playing dress up. Ryan kids Taylor that he can never wear shoulder pads again.
Ryan says the buzz from last night suggested Paula was the best judge. Where did Ryan get this buzz from, Paula’s manager? After a pointless argument on what score Simon’s judging merited, Simon uses the polls to suggest the audience agrees with him most of all. Here is something we can all agree on: when the judges carry on with this mindless bickering it kills the show’s momentum. Ryan got off some good puns during the video recap, including: Princess P took on her royal counterpart Prince; and Kat floored the judges with her song. After the show, a jet will whisk the final four to Graceland to work with Tommy Motollo – that’s right, it’s gonna be Elvis week baby! And there is no truth to the rumors someone will have to perform on a toilet as a tribute to the King. Ok time to find out who goes home; all the contestants look really nervous. Ryan starts with a really pensive looking Taylor. He doesn’t smile until he hears he is safe, and then it’s a rather muted reaction. Chris is also smile less, but he is also safe. When he hears that he let out a Taylorlike “Whew!” Paris, normally smiling from ear to ear is serious when Ryan tells her she is in the bottom two, only then does she break into a nervous smile. Ryan follows her to center stage and asks her to sing. She is more than willing, but she has this gum in her mouth, if only there is…ok she just puts it in Ryan’s hand. That’s why they pay him the big bucks. Ryan jokingly faux threw the gum into the crowd. Thankfully he didn’t actually throwing the gum. You know some idiot would have claimed the gum permanently injured him necessitating a jury award of 400 million dollars in punitive damages. Paris sings “Kiss” again and does about the same, except this time her microphone pack falls off on her way back onto the stage, Ryan ever the helpful hand grabs it and holds it behind her until the song is finished. As they go to commercial Ryan asks aloud who will join Pairs in the bottom two, and the camera flashes to the couch where Elliot is standing and Kat is sitting down. She looks from left to right and then giggles and stands up. This is Kat’s second “I don’t know what I’m doing right now” moment of the night. After the commercial we return to learn whether Kat or Elliot face elimination. Elliot and Kat lock arms like a team in the midst of March Madness. Kat is safe; she looks shocked it’s not her in the bottom two. Elliot sings “Broadway” again, only this time he has a lot more passion and really gives a great performance. There are even more hot people behind the judges tonight. This may break the hot people behind Simon record set in Episode 24 of Season 3. The camera goes back to Kat on the couch during his song, and she looks totally lost. I don’t know if she is just out of sync without Kellie by her side this week, or if the nerves are eating her up, but she is like fried bacon tonight. As soon as Elliot finishes singing Paris gives him a huge hug and tells him how great he is, and Ryan joins them on stage. Ryan says “We love both of you,” and then sends Paris home to her 12 year old mother. Randy and Paula give the Princess a standing ovation, but Simon, being a Brit and all can’t clap for other royalty I guess. Paris is a rare Idol contestant. We all remember her first audition, and were blown away by her abilities and her potential. This happens every season where you see someone you think will be great in the auditions and then never hear from them again, but not Paris, she was a favorite from day one, and the youngin made it all the way to the top 5. Without the relaxed age restrictions she might well have won this season. Sadly her mastery of the English language is on par with Bucky, as her video shows her saying, “If this is a dream I don’t want to be woke up.” At least Idol went back to the non-acoustic version of “Bad Day.” That experiment lasted one week. Paris sings the show out as the final four dance onto the stage and surround their fallen comrade. Of course the show is running 2 minutes over already, so we only get about 30 seconds of her second song before the show ends. Next week is Elvis week, which means one thing: the judges are gonna hate it!


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